Plans, Ambitions and the Insufficiency of Time

So I've basically had a tonne-load of things to write about and little or no time to talk about it. It is however a good thing that I haven't gotten the opportunity because the last few days have put many things into perspective. However since "Time" is in the title I'll write these things in chronological order, based on when I started to think about these things.

First matter of business: The Death of a Don(?) Even though this has been a HORRIBLE year to be a club president I haven't given up. In fact this year I have had some of my best production ideas since forever and I am dedicated to ensuring they are presented at the highest quality. The Death of a Don however is my pinnacle of ideas this year. A mystery/drama in Jamaican context, good characters and a ridiculous back story... I would share more but that wouldn't be good for business... I can however share this:

As excited as I am about this however, part of me can't help but worry about the time I'm gonna end up spending on this, and by part of me I mean a few concerned friends. I mean this is my last year and I need good grades and what not, can I really afford to invest time in writing,planning, rehearsing and producing 3-4 plays in succession? Of course I can just start using time more wisely but even there I struggle horrendously. But it doesn't end there.

Second: The Teenage Blogger(?) Well I have two blogs, so what could this be about? Well, I've realised that the Internet is one raging cesspool of opportunity and exposure. Out of all my skills I have come to believe that my writing has the most potential. I have also had a recent interest in blogs. I don't see myself as entertaining or visible or relevant enough to do a video blog, though vloggers are among my favourite people on the great and ever-present Internet. However the thought came to me that blogging in itself also has potential for tapping into the Internet's resources in opportunity. So at the beginning of this year (as in January 1st, 2014) I started to seriously consider starting and maintaining a BLOG blog (not like these two little things... I mean blog with an AUDIENCE outside of my closest circle of friends...)

Anyways, the Blog; I was thinking of making it surrounding writing as a whole. My original content, my thoughts and recommendations concerning books that I've read, the original content of other young writers and other fun writing related stuff. As you would expect, like TDoaD,this is  major project, and even worse as this is LONG TERM and TDoaD is gonna be over in a few months, to reap any rewards from this blog idea may take a much more significant amount of time. Do I Have the Time?

Finally: The Actor(?) This week I have been given the opportunity to act in a play. "But you're like drama club president of course you've been in plays..." No. We are talking about a PLAY play here. As in I walked into rehearsal on Friday, got a copy of the script and this was on the cover:

At that point my mind was like"RAAASSCLAAAA-" So as you must realize by now this isn't any domestic, school-esque play. This is a play. A legitimate opportunity for me to act on a stage in front of an audience at least  quasi-professionally. This is one of those particular opportunities that I generally NEVER get. Yet here I am, going to choreography practises like I'm not the living reincarnation of cardboard. Still the hanging question is: Do I Have the Time to Dedicate to This?

Unfortunately, I have no definite answer. The insufficiency of time has always been a recurring theme in my life, and everybody's (or I would like to believe it has been a part of everybody's) yet I still have not learnt how to properly deal with it. However, like everything else in life, the stakes get higher every time you play the game. Now, hanging in the balance by Time's Insufficiency is my perceived "future", and I still, somewhere, believe I can still do everything and lose nothing. Perhaps that's my personal brand of pride, or stupidity.

So, as much as I hope you are all better at managing your time than me, acknowledge your personal insufficiency of time and find a way to act accordingly.

As I (finally) start my Caribbean Studies IA,
-Me

Ianuariis

Firstly I love Latin... until i start anatomy and get sick of it.. but yeah, everything for me has been Latin these days. Like my last poem: Aevum: Time, Eternity, Age, Generation, Lifetime.... Anyways I also find it funny that the latin for New Year is apparently Ianuariis.. as in January. That's it, not the word for new and the word for year. It's the word for the first month. So I start this post by wishing you all a Happy January.

Now I make it no secret that my grasp of the whole concept of Time is elementary at best. The passage of time for me is something I apparently have simply lost appreciation for, which is horrible for my time management skills among other things. But it affects me immensely in my appreciation of time based celebrations. Birthdays, New Years, and (God forbid in the future) Anniversaries don't particularly click with me. I've been 18 for a little over 2 months now (whoo?) and like every other birthday I felt no inherently different on October 25 than i did on October 23, so the significance of the age doesn't get to me. 

I'm legally an adult. Am I an adult??? haha... Fuck no... I'm just a petit-alcoholic, with a poor excuse for a beard (level 2 chin hair as I call it), childish indecisiveness, (what I believe are) large thoughts, potential and fear. SO. MUCH. FEAR. And my hatred of being controlled by emotions definitely doesn't excuse fear. But as this point I can't really escape it as much as I have to face it. Head On. With nothing but Dreams and a Toothbrush. And I think my realization of that fact may make me more of an adult than I think I am... well... if I act on that realization.

But my problem with time is it's perception. There are too many variables to account for. How does ANYONE have a good sense of time??? I mean simply, by aging our perception of time speeds up. To a 2 year old child One Year is one HELL of a long time, HALF OF HIS/HER LIFE... but to an 80 year old, what is a year? Our perception of time depends partially on the amount of time we have perceived. 

And So another 1/18 of my life has passed... 

And 2013 was probably the epitome of bittersweet. Lower 6th Form was one of the better/alright years of my high school life. Summer 2013 was the BEST summer of my life. Period. and the 1st term of Upper 6th Form was Horrendously Awful.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities(1859)

(Wonderful quote that, hmm 1859...)

So many themes have come into play this year I don't remember them all; so many mistakes that I'll probably end up repeating some of them; so many good times, bad times, times in between I only know other years will just be a year of neutrality... 

So On to 2014

I guess we all need to change some things. You know, never came outta 2013 no fool... But people have to stop this whole "New Year's Resolution" thing... because in my opinion it just leads to disappointment. Set attainable, specific goals and plan to achieve them. Don't make a long list of achievements you want to accomplish, make a few, decide how to accomplish them and stick to the plan. What's even better? You can do that all year round, or you should.... haha, I should. So my goals this year are as follows in no particular order (and if you know me and see me and read this antagonize me about these bitches so I step my game up):

• Spirituality: Stop trying to understand God and start getting to know Him, do all that stuff I know I should do but keep overlooking or ignoring....  

• Work on Time Management: dedicate more time to my educational requirements; manage leisure better; DEVELOP BETTER SLEEPING HABITS(I say as I write this at 1:54 am)...

• Work on Leadership Skills: Delegation, Delegation and bumbaat Delegation; at least try to be a better role model as Deputy Head Boy, Find a way to deal with Drama Club; Delegation.

• Take Care of Myself: DEVELOP BETTER SLEEPING HABITS; Eat more regularly and healthier; Find some form of exercise... 

• UNIVERSITY:  sigh... never wanted to mention this directly but it must happen at all costs (and financially the least).

• Relationships: Preserve and strengthen the ones I have; be wise in the ones I enter; spend more time with people in general (I know I want to...); Learn the Art of Conversation, at least somewhat.

Don't know if I followed my own guidelines but these are things I must achieve.. not just this year but as Time continues. I hope we all continue on this whole Journey of Self Improvement as we go into this year. 
Wishing you all the best for 2014 and beyond; Me. 

Reading.

My posts and writing have been horrendously infrequent. Not that I haven't tried. Drafts and I don't really work if I can't do it the first time then it won't get done: and I've started about 3 or 4 posts since the last one... no dice. And poetry? Last poem I wrote was called "Dear Reader" or something to that effect. Written in Carib class, rife with profanity and stolen by a certain kohai (underclassman if you're not japanese honorific- savvy) if i get it back I'll post it.

I would love to write a post about this year improving... About how things started getting better, a story about how I truly realized and started bonding with a newer group of "true friends" and stopped being so fucking down an lonely and meh all the time. Or about getting some much needed ambition and getting my act together in this final push through secondary education and unto the tertio. Something.. Unfortunately I have no such stories and I'm pretty much how I've been since September; except I've rediscovered reading.  

Like all small children I read a lot, and since my interests as a child spread in a tonne of directions I owe even some of my current knowledge to my reading of old. But like most teenage boys somewhere I kinda just stopped. Can't say why, but it happened. But there was always a thing with me and reading and that was that I devoured literature. DEVOURED IT. I started and I finished with little between them. Devoured and moved on. When I started to read manga I adopted the same attitude (though I've lost a bit of my manga fanaticism... which worries me because these stories haven't finished yet....) But some time this month I decided to read a novel. And for that I blame Youtube and specifically, vlogbrothers. 

John Green. 

It started one Sunday with Looking For Alaska and by the next Sunday I had already finished The Fault in Our Stars, Will Grayson, Will Grayson and Paper Towns.... One Week. Four Novels Devoured. I probably stopped because of exams... and after watching another vlogbrothers video, with John Green giving book recommendations, on Friday I started The Magicians by Lev Grossman.... and today, Sunday, I finished the second book of that series, and I'll probably be nagged, by my own brain, into procuring and devouring the third and final of installment of the series, before doing the same for An Abundance of Katherines the John Green novel I haven't read yet. And surely it won't stop there....

Books are alluring, like small, temporary and portable soul capturing devices. They don't let you go. It's like An Imperial Affliction a fictional book in The Fault in Our Stars. It basically never ended and it captured souls right, left and centre... never giving them back. I fear, respect and appreciate books. Holding their author's essence, yet in a way being completely independent of them. Instigating thought, taking hold of emotions, and basically doing whatever the fuck they want. And I kind of hate them for that and love them for that. 

Funnily enough, and maybe for that very reason, I somehow became a writer (not sure how good I am though). I would love to inscribe on some good old ink and paper (or atleast some good old word files or an epub) something as powerful as the books I've read... and that is a daunting task. I actually (embarrassingly enough) started a novel, based on a short story I'd written... and it's been untouched since early this year (after my late computer died). I hope to complete it one day, and God I hope it doesn't suck. 

Books, narratives, reading, even literacy itself are simply amazing things... and I one day want to create something amazing. I want to write something that will instill in, someone sometime in time to come, some awe. Or at least make an enjoyable day's reading for some kid who goes through books like I go through a bag of crackers... who Devours them.

Sincerely

-Me

In Sickness and...

I swear I haven't written anything in FOREVER. Anyways since my last blog post I've been given the illustrious position of 2nd Deputy Headboy (I came 3rd out of 3 candidates...) I've realised that I'm not as liked as I thought I was, I've been spending most of my time in the Drama Room, and I've been sick. Twice, and still on the second run. I've done some art. 

I've been sick and I've been gaming and I've realized I'm no good at either. I'm discovering reddit and as usual NOT STUDYING, even though I've missed a few days of school and all my midterms are next week. I've been at home for an entire week and even though I'm not happy about it it isn't as bad as it usually is, and i'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

So OBVIOUSLY something is wrong with my life. I mean being sick was an important part of my childhood. I was ALWAYS sick, and funnily enough I had a pediatrician who didn't like giving children medicine... But yeah, every fever was 104+ and closed throat tonsillitis. Wasn't fun at all. Between infections, flus, allergies and slight lactose intolerance one could say I had a pretty sad life cut out for me BUT it all changed when i had a Tonsillectomy. Removing the tonsils basically solved almost all my immune problems and I lived a pretty healthy life since then, getting sick maybe once a year. Maybe Once A Year. For more than a decade I've been sick maybe once a year, twice on a bad year. So obviously something is wrong with my life.

I've been sick TWICE THIS MONTH.

So I'm really concerned now. What could have caused such a dip in immunity? I don't know. People are telling me I need rest, and I know I live that low sleep intensity life, but it's not new. I've been doing it for years without health problems ensuing, except probably the sleep disorder I may or may not have. So I don't think rest is the only issue here.

Part of the problem I think is school. I don't enjoy it anymore. I mean I never enjoyed schoolwork but school was always a getaway of sorts for me, with people and jokes and likkle vybe and a bit of my-style-positivity. I haven't gotten any of that since the school year started and so I guess my sleep deprivation is now allowed to cause immune collapse. School is just stress now and home is still ugh... I have no balance. The fact that I actually consider staying home as okay because I'm sick is a huge indicator of how bad things are.

The worst part of this sickness though?  The random bouts of profuse sweating, as in waking-up-with-wet-sheets-and-hair sweating. (It would have been the cough but when I cough my upper abs hurt, which insinuates that I actually have upper abs, which makes me kinda happy.)

However, I'm worried how much worse this school year can get.

Very Worried.

-Me

Change.

It's been a while since I've posted, not that I'm getting angry messages demanding new posts or anything, but people seem to appreciate my thoughts... I don't know why though. Anyways, it's been almost a week as an Upper Sixer and I can say for sure that I pretty much hate it. Well, I'll always love the people I'm surrounded by, but something about how this school year has started really hasn't made a good impression on me. Anyways, I'll get into that. Unto the topic at hand; Change.

I've prided myself with being an adaptable person. my surroundings don't usually affect me; I tend to be able to function under almost all situations I come across. I rarely ever become overwhelmed by change. However too much has changed since I've started school for me to be comfortable. Now I've been at the same school for 7 years. Seven Years. For some things I guess I just wasn't prepared for a change, which made my transition into this year somewhat troubling, since they've changed EVERYTHING.

The Timetable system, the Club system, the Food... I mean even one of my best friends is gone (because of administrative fuckery, the one thing which remains constant). I mean the Timetable system, I can deal with. Not that I appreciate having 4 hours of classes before I can medz some food. The Food? Well after four hours I would appreciate some food on the campus, though finding food has proven pretty difficult since they "rebidded" the stalls... But the Club System; that has me at Steam point.

I love my Club. Drama Club has played a tremendous role in my development as a person. I really can't say it much more. I Love Drama Club. Being it's president has probably been one of those sentimentally driven things in my life, I just can't sit and watch it die. Drama Club was the sanctuary. A sanctuary for all the members really. A place you could come on the Friday afternoon and just not care about the world. You could make a fool of yourself, laugh, relax and just clear the week out of your psyche. All clubs on Wednesday morning from 8:00 -9:00... It would have been better if they had personally sodomised me instead of doing it to my club and all it's members. A sanctuary on Wednesday morning? I don't even know how to approach that.

Now I was talking to my mother (yeah, that must be an achievement of some kind), and she said something tot he tune of "Change is something that's always hard to accept, if you can't do anything to stop it you have to learn to look at the change positively." Now it isn't bad advice. However, it's still not universal advice. Positivity is pretty powerful in many cases but in this case, especially with the club issue, I'm not seeing any rainbows. And I doubt that will change any time soon.

I won't even begin to talk about my friend's situation. I mean I've been pissed about that for the past 2 weeks (well it cooled down a bit but was rekindled tonight). I really won't get into it. All I can say is: I curse a bit much when I'm pissed.

In a Contemplative Manner
-Me

Life and Death.

Yesterday was a day of Life and Death.

I've been in a pretty sombre mood since yesterday.  But I must say that the day was important; probably important in more ways than I now realise.  I'm completely positive that It will at least always be in my memory. August 17, 2013 was a day of Life and Death... Not that I'm going to remember the date....

It was a Day of Death.. It was my cousin's funeral.   

I can say pretty confidently, now, that his death was a mystery. I had heard some mention of smoking and the sort but I found out there was none. 25 year olds don't suddenly develop severe heart conditions. Now even though I had spent a fair amount of time with him as a child I barely have any memories of him so hearing his past schoolmates, university batch mates and even co-workers talk about him made me realise that in all honesty we were a lot alike. At least many things said about him are things I would want to have said about me. He was a joker, a man who loved to make people laugh, a confidant, a friend, an achiever (probably over achiever), a hard worker, a man who cared abut his friends, family, loved ones; he was father (even if only for 8 months) and he loved his son and his son's mother dearly, he touched the lives of all he was around, he was dedicated, he was willing to sacrifice his time and his resources for the good of others... and it went on. Of course people only highlight the good at funerals, but it was obvious from these and other accounts (from family members closer to him than I) that they were at least telling the truth about the good. If any of these things could be said at my funeral, or just said about me, then I'd feel accomplished as a human being.

I can also say that never before in my 17-going-on-18 years of life has my entire family (mother's side) been represented in one place (only one of my uncles was absent, and he sent his wife in his place). In a way it was a good thing... but in many more ways it was bad. Very Bad. Like all families mine has it's share of familial bullshit, but it's nor a fair share... It's WAY too much to be fair. There are families in need of bullshit and we could very well be suppliers. I won't talk about it in detail here, that's not my personal business and thus I'm not at liberty to disclose it; not to mention the amount of people involved (my grandparents had 10 children... 9 of which have their own families). However I can tell you this much. The death of one of our younger members did almost nothing to harbour any sense of unity among us. If anything it made some gaps wider. Even in death the bullshit still smelled as strong as ever, if not stronger.

The pastor at the funeral preached a "timely word". "Timely" is an oft used word concerning preaching but this message was DEFINATELY given at a suitable time. He preached from Psalms 103.

Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him. For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.

Psalms 103:13-14

We Are Dust. Humans are Frail. Life is Uncertain. Live Healthily. Live Humbly. Don't Live a Wasted Life. Don't Take Others for Granted. Yeah. Quite Timely.





The burial was pretty miserable. My aunt aid something in the bus. "The only t'ing we Crawfords do quiet  is bawl"... and she's right. Well, at least about the quiet crying. There was a lot of crying. His girlfriend took it really hard, and for good reason. She is left now with a son that's the splitting image of his father but will never really know him. I don't know what plans they had but I know that Ramon loved both of them dearly, and it was reciprocated. She bawled, honest, pure-hearted bawling. Some of us as family cried, but in our way of doing so, we cried silently. I had decided that I had no right to cry, and I didn't, but I was definitely as silent as a crying Crawford as I stood there. Stood there while  they lowered his casket into the grave. Stood there as they placed the concrete slabs over it. Stood there as the cemented the slabs together. Stood there as the covered the grave in dirt. I sang not one word, and I could see the general consensus by us as the family (though my father, not being a Crawford was somewhat exempt).

Saturday (not yesterday anymore) was a day of Death.

it left many questions. "Why?" is generally the first one and for good reason. We often hear the cliché statement "Everything happens for a reason". When it comes to death it's a difficult pill to swallow. Always. However, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. And while it is not in my capacity to know the reasons for everything I can say I witnessed one of the reasons for the necessity of my cousin's funeral.

We went to the funeral in a bus (not all of us but a good amount of us) and whilst coming back to Mandeville we meet upon the scene of an accident. A MASSIVE accident too. Both cars were totalled, and all the passengers were elderly people. It was bad. As we passed however re realised there was no urgent effort to help these people out and soon 3 of my aunts, father, 3 of my cousins, a family friend and myself had become the leaders of this rescue operation.

From the layout of the scene my father pieced together a theory as to what happened. he believed that a car going down the hill caught a spin (rain had just fallen) the car coming up the hill the rammed into the side, catching a spin itself, and then stopping with the rear end to the rear end of the first car.
I won't detail the entire ordeal, however I'll talk about two things.

1. The injuries involved.  The lady at the point of impact had her foot pinned under the door. Her foot was broken in several places and her hip was broken. There was a man who had a cut on his foot straight through to bone. There was a woman who was cut by the seatbelt right under the throat. Another was thrown from the back of the second car tot he front, being saved only by the airbags. Another woman apparently suffered internal damage from the seatbelt and the airbags.

All of these people and like 3 more were gotten to the hospital, mainly due to our effort as a family.

2. The people around us. Only a few of the were of any help,  even though the crowd only got larger. We had to be traffic controllers, lucky thing one of my nurses is a poem, one of my aunts carried the woman who had the pinned by the door, to the hospital. But the people were so... absent. They watched, we needed help carrying anyone... none, too many I recount for me. People were cursing us for blocking the road. My cousin had to intervene and cut two "claat" to get them compliant. It was Awful.

My family is capable of many things. And people are selfish fucks.

But through us. Saturday was a Day of Life. Lives we saved.
even though two of those ladies died Sunday morning.

It was a Long, Full Day. But it ended just as all of us one day will. We are literally like a day. Here today, gone tomorrow.

-Me

The Mountaintop and The Cliff :Another Long Post

Before I start I just want to say, You Have Been Warned.

So as a Christian I have what are called "Mountain Top Experiences" which are like peaks of spiritual enlightenment or closeness with God etc. They are really good and camp has always been one of them. The whole environment of camp is so spiritual sometimes you really don't want to leave, you'd want to live in the place forever... where being a Christian is easy, and there are pretty girls, and no homesickness (in my case homesickness means more like being sick of home than a longing to return there.) But unfortunately one can't. with every mountain top there is a valley that needs to be returned to.

While I'm on the topic though I'll talk about camp...

My denomination (ugh.. hate the term) owns a campsite and holds 5 camps there every year. This year, for the fourth consecutive year, I've gone to Camp 4, which caters to the 15-17 year group (I'm 17-going-on-18). But basically I was among the oldest persons on camp, and one of the more "experienced" Christians as well. As a "senior camper" I was treated more like a counsellor than a camper too, though more on the responsibility side, not much privilege, but this was pretty convenient since the counsellor for my dorm didn't come back to camp.

Now the 1st question I asked my dorm mates on the Saturday night was "Why did you come to camp?" and when it reached my turn to answer I answered, "Well, firstly it's a spiritual experience and I seek after spiritual experiences, Secondly I love to be surrounded by people (I probably thought "mostly female people" as I said this), and finally I hate my yard. " or something to that respect. So I'll address those three aspects because they are the most important to me.

Spiritual Experience: the camps are set up quite spiritually. You're generally secluded from the outside world and it's distractions, daily chapel, dorm devotions, other sessions etc. obviously show that the aim of the camp is in fact the spiritual growth of the campers. While these helped though, my two greatest spiritual experiences were not contained in any of these.

The first one happened on  the Tuesday. After 3 days of miserably unbearable heat rain fell (that's enough of a blessing to be a spiritual experience though). But some special things happened. The first reaction of us male campers was to "run up an dung like eedyat" in the rain. We played with a Frisbee, we just shouted and really enjoyed ourselves. Now normally the counsellors wouldn't have allowed this to happen because of health concerns, but next thing you know they were encouraging us and soon enough, and I kid you not, about 80% of the make dorm was outside bathing. Now why was this a spiritual experience? Because, my dear reader, from that moment on there was a unity and oneness amongst us male campers that was nothing short of miraculous. There was no Dorm 1, Dorm 2,Dorm 3, Dorm 4 or Dorm 5, just the male dorm.

"Truly, O God of Israel, our Savior, you work in mysterious ways."

Isaiah 45:15 (New Living Translation)

 

The second one however wasn't as heart-warming. It happened on the Thursday after the banquet (we, unfortunately were assigned dates, I was lucky though, I drew "Rita"... she is probably one of the most awesome people I know. I couldn't quarrel... anyways). I had been a bit disappointed that I didn't get some recognition for my awesomeness at camp (found out later that they decided to give someone else a chance to be Camp King... long story... bleh) so I was walking in the moonlight a bit and ended up going into the dorms last.  I entered the dorms in confusion. For some reason my dorm mate, a really chill guy, someone I'd run jokes with and one of the few males I talked to on camp, was completely furious being held back by about 5 other guys. Apparently, and this sounds completely ludicrous, someone had burst his balloon. Upon hearing this I knew something else was up. This wasn't the type of guy to be so easily ticked off, and really and truly this was the result of some spiritual warfare. The counsellors eventually quieted down the dorm. and a few people spoke, including me. Now Why was this a spiritual experience? Because, my dear reader, it showed me that anything God institutes is being attacked by the Adversary. Something wanted the unity we had established only two days before to be destroyed.

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour."

1 Peter 5:8 (King James Version)

 

We also had a really good speaker during the Chapel sessions (I never slept once), so those were my biggest spiritual occurrences for the week.

 

Social Interaction: camp gathers people from all around Jamaica, different backgrounds, different personalities, different ways of pronouncing "d'even". Of course there is the male:female ratio to be established, and since it was about 26:42 (not quite 1:2) I was pretty much comfortable. I spent most of my time with two friends I made from my first year at Camp 4, one of which was my reason for coming to Camp 4 and not graduating to Camp 5 and the other I've talked about previously, and another friend I'd met last year, whose voice is near as close to my heart as crackers. They are nothing but good times and I almost made the mistake of ignoring the other awesome femmes on camp. Luckily some awesomeness cannot be hidden, and soon enough I was all over the place. I met some wonderful people, and got probably hundreds of chances to make girls laugh/smile (which I discovered is the reason I love their company so much). 

 

I didn't neglect the "bredren dem" though. I couldn't, really. I made fewer male friends but I somehow managed to gain the respect of most of the dorm (between my Christian integrity *koff* and the fact that I was one of the few who was constantly surrounded by girls...) So I got along pretty well with all of them. We ran jokes, talked about the girls on camp (hehe, because there were some GIRLS on camp though) and general foolishness. And especially after the rain thing there was a brotherhood among us that was just natural.

 

Being Away From Home: A solid week away from home is ALWAYS a blessing, and probably a spiritual experience in and of itself.  

 

 

However, as much as I enjoyed by eight days of camp, they eventually ended, and I had to come home. I was tired as hell, but I delayed my return as much as possible, and maybe a bit more than that.

 

Now normally the glow of positive energy from camp lasts some time, like coming down from a mountain. Especially since I was absolutely elated about the results from my externals, AND I was coming home to an empty house. But there was no gradual decline. Simply speaking, there was no moderate decline of a slope, I fell off a cliff.

 

There was no greater zeal for reading my bible or praying or changing things in my life that there usually was. Neither was there the general feeling of Joy. The first thing that struck me at home was Loneliness. Not because my family was away, but just moving from being surrounded by 67 other people to 0... killed my vybe. So I went to bed. My Anti-Lust Protocol was simply overridden, as I found out when I woke up. I swear that the 45+ mins of "fondly remembering" some of my dear female campers that I woke up to was pretty intense. And this wasn't helped by the fact that I wasn't going to church today either. By nightfall my cursing had started back up again. And by time my parents had retired, I partook of strong drink.

 

I guess I had this coming. This Christianity thing is no cakewalk. And the further one traverses into it, the greater steps he/she has to take. All I can say now is "Please, Lord Forgive Me" and then face another day knowing He's still by my side. Regardless. 

 

-Me