FEAR.

Soooo, I'm keeping 'em promises that I didn't necessarily make. So I started this post like... more than a month ago now? Now, typically when I pause a post it's dead, like my rap career, but somehow ,this one has stayed in my mind, so I'll see how this goes.

So with that behind us, welcome back to impulseprose, all the rambling of a podcast but in sweet, sweet Arial (which reminds me... it's about time I redesign this blog, it's 2018). Also, Happy "New" Year, and to celebrate this, another completed revolution around the great nuclear reaction in the sky, we'll be talking about something which I think is very relevant to the beginning of anything, really; Fear.

So unless your name is Fairytale (on this blog at least) this may come as a surprise to you, but I''m afraid of a lot of shit. Typically most people seem to think I don't give a fuck, which is kinda accurate. However, right under the pile of fucks I withhold from the world is just a shit tonne of fear. So I've been thinking about how to structure this, and I feel it can only truly be done as listicle of sorts. So here are the TOP 5 THINGS I FEAR (YOU WON'T BELIEVE #4) with the caveat of me not knowing whether or not I'll be listing 5 things or what number 4 will be. We'll start it off with an oldie-but-goodie.

I'm Afraid of Cockroaches

This isn't a surprise at all. I've been alluding to, making jokes about, telling people about and justifying my fear of cockroaches for years. Most of you probably even know the story of how this fear came about. However there are some things about this I don't think I've ever really tried to convey. 

Firstly is the sheer magnitude of my dread surrounding cockroaches. I am deeply uncomfortable just writing this segment, but it's also probably the most inconsequential one so it's a good start. Cockroaches don't elicit a fight or flight response in me. I legitimately freeze. I then forever live in constant anxiety, dread and terror as the fucking spawn of Satan disappears and reappears. It's basically like the scene from The Magicians where they encounter The Beast for the first time (which is probably not the best literary reference, however I do strongly recommend The Magicians. It's lit.) But the most important thing here is that I do nothing, and I feel like there is nothing I can do.

Secondly is my awareness of just how stupid my fear of cockroaches is. A fear of cockroaches, regardless of its cause, is baseless and illogical. Disgust is a decent response. It's 100% fine for me to be repulsed by cockroaches. But the fear, that's just plain stupid, and yet...

I'm Afraid of Men

This is kind of strange, I think. I am, for those of you who are unaware, a man myself, so it seems like a fear of men is either, like, weird or ultimately indicative of some kind of self hatred or something? However, looking back through most of my social interactions I can confirm there is a deep fear of masculinity throughout most of my life.

Now, I'll talk a bit about how I think this came about. Firstly, I've never really been traditionally masculine. From my youth I was overtly emotional (in the form of temper tantrums in my childhood), never really liked sports or cars most of that typical little boy shit. Now I'm not saying these things are inherently masculine, just that that was what most of my peers would consider "boy stuff" and I was shit at "boy stuff". I also never really went through that phase of boy/girl separation, and so for most of my childhood I could, like, identify with my female peers more than their male counterparts. And that has followed me throughout my life to this point.

So going through preparatory and high school around mostly girls (typically had a small group of male friends then was friends/acquaintances with like just.. all the girls who would talk to me.) I became increasingly uncomfortable with male company outside of my friend group. Now this may sound like I'm blowing this out of proportion by calling it a "fear", but this it more fear than my intense disgust of cockroaches. Like, I basically avoided members of my household when I lived on campus, because I don't know how to talk to guys, I have an intense anxiety every time I go to work partially because I'm sitting right in-front of my [male] boss and I'm even still kinda uncomfortable around Fairytale's male friends... after knowing them for 4 years (It's horrible). So, yeah. I think this qualifies.

Side note: I think a result of my... negative bias against males is a pretty strong implicit bias towards females, which when paired with my naïveté, means that I actually can't be impartial in any matter involving like gender relations... because I'm smart enough to somehow justify my eventual siding with the female half of the argument. Implicit biases aren't good, so at least try to identify your own implicit biases so you can account for them, lest they govern your judgment from the shadows.

I'm Afraid of the Future

Or, more accurately, I'm afraid of the uncertainty of the future. Fairytale, deals with this particular one way too much, and I'm so sorry. I think I stated in one of my poems (when I wrote that shit) the concept of the "Continual Present".

Or the Flow of Time.
Though I am skeptical of the Future.
As I see more Now, and a Hope that Now continues.
And in this Continual Present,
- Aevum, Me

 And this really sums up my attitude towards time. I try not to dwell on the past (as acknowledged by its absence in a verse about the flow of time), I think about my present, and I hope I don't have to think about the Future, and for much of my life I didn't have to, because my future consisted of more school.

But I'm done with school.

So as a result of this, here I am in a job I kind of hate, with no prospects of finding a new one (because I haven't looked). Each time Fairytale and I talk about our futures (which will become our Future) I become panicked and clueless and generally frustrating to deal with as I make feeble attempts to give any meaningful answers. (again.. I'm so sorry)

And an additional fear which is intrinsically tied to this: I fear I will basically destroy my possible future by failing to take proper steps to reach it. So... yeah.

I'm Afraid of, like, People? I guess? 

This one is probably the most nebulous, even to me. Especially because part of my whole... I don't know, persona is that I don't give a fuck what people think about me. I would want that to be true of me, but most of the time it isn't.

I am, I think, an ambivert.

ambivert

ˈambɪvəːt/

noun: ambivert; plural noun: ambiverts

1. a person who has a balance of extrovert and introvert features in their personality.

 However, instead of like a balance I'm more of like a bipolivert because I basically am either a complete recluse or a functioning member of society, with few intermediates between those two extremes.

Ummm... Lil Bipoli Vert? I don't know.I felt I needed a Lil Uzi Vert joke here somewhere.. 

But, in general, I find myself particularly socially inept, not because I lack charisma, but because I feel like I don't really understand people, and as clichés go people fear that which they don't understand. I don't know if I miss social cues or if there is some generally accepted behaviour that I am unaware of, and that tends to lead to a kind of social stress which I think most people have felt, but I feel it constantly... Um, as I said, this one may be a bit of a stretch, but let's get an example.

So when I was conceptualizing this post, this was one of the first ones that came to mind because of a certain situation I was facing at the time. So here's the scene: I'm living with my aunt currently, and at this particular time, I was really hungry. Like really hungry, but I was actually afraid of getting up and making something to eat because my aunt had offered me food some hours before and I was worried that making food, at that moment, would have been offensive. Looking back at it, it's amazing how afraid I was, when my aunt was probably more worried that I hadn't eaten yet. If Fairytale didn't convince me to get off my ass it is very likely I would have gone to be hungry that night for no goddamned reason. So yeah, it makes no sense, but making sense isn't exactly something fear takes particularly seriously. 

And finally...

So I made it to 4 things, and I'm sure there are a lot of other things I could list (conflict, loss, my own inadequacy, driving) and I could drop another to meet my arbitrary count of 5, but there's not much else to talk about. My final point is always where I try to link my self-centred ramblings to you, the reader. Now, it's very likely that I don't know your fears. I don't know how they started or how they manifest themselves, or how you've dealt with them. But all I can honestly give you is the most cliché piece of fucking advice possible: Don't let fear rule your life. I can honestly say that I've allowed it to happen far too much in my own life, and something has to be done about that, or I risk my fears becoming reality. So as usual, my message boils down to: "Heya Kids, don't be me"

In closing: I'm a pussy. But as the saying goes: You are what you eat.

Hope your year's been good so far and best wishes for the rest of it,

Me

Continued Self-Awareness

Hey there! I'm writing again, and as I mentioned last time, my life still isn't falling apart. I'm fine. This post isn't necessarily another cry for help or a blind rant in search of catharsis, it's more a... discussion. Of course, it's a one way discussion, but most of you know me, so I don't know, if for whatever reason you feel you just have to reply, feel free to do so. Hit me up on Twitter,Telegram, um.. by smoke signal?  I don't know where else you could find me, but yeah. Do that, and I'd be glad to talk about whatever. That was a bigger diversion than it should have been, but this whole thing is meant to be stream of consciousness.. that's why it's called impulseprose.

So as most of you are aware, this blog has changed a great deal since its pathetic, but necessary beginnings. I was actually talking to a friend about this today (formerly known as Kohai, but that's no longer an accurate descriptor so let's refer to her as the Wayward Genius, Wayward to her friends.) As I was saying to Wayward, I think the defining feature of this blog has always been, to some degree, that it is an exercise in self awareness. It is, and has been, a tool to document and work through facets of my being that I have realised by just putting them out there. Not really to say "Look at me" but just for it to exist, I guess. So that I can go back to it, and that those I care about, who have helped me to come to these realisations in the first place can watch and see for themselves. That they can look on for a moment and say proudly, "Well... At least him know seh him fool".

So, with that in mind, I think it makes sense that I run into this theme headfirst. So far I've been stumbling into self awareness. I've come across morsels of understanding, just going through life, which I guess is just how life works. So by that metric I've been doing a decent job, but since I've been, unknowingly, on this journey of the Self for so long, I think it's time I take it seriously. It's about time I spend time actively looking into myself to dig out these truths. I mean, realistically, maybe some of them will turn up to be flowery bullshit that I've conjured up and convinced myself is true, but other stuff will be real and those understandings of myself will help me to be a better me. I can capitalize on my strengths and learn to work around my weaknesses and all that self improvement stuff (or I could do nothing about either, but you know. Optimism is nice sometimes.)

But, dear reader, what does that mean for you? 

I actually have no idea

But seriously, it could mean more posts on the blog. Which, really, is a bit of a double edged sword. On one hand some of you will actually hear from me, which is nice; but on the other hand it'll just be more ranting about myself. So, tl;dr if what you want is more of this rambly nonsense, then sure. You're Welcome. Otherwise, I deeply apologize. 

Now the funny thing about this is that all I've said up to this point was really supposed to be an introduction, but it became somewhat of an announcement didn't it. Sooo what that means is that there will be another post shortly after this one (though I won't specify shortly on what scale), but I actually have like 2 blog post worthy ideas (so... just ideas really) so I look forward to wasting a bit more of your time in the coming weeks. 

I'm making no promises. 

Hopefully, 

Me.

On Aging and 22nd Birthdays

Unlike a father who went out for cigarettes, I have returned. I felt today deserved a blog post, because recently I've only written when I'm going through some deep, depressing shit. But, it truly is important to write on good days too. Because, for my hypothetical fans, it's important to note:

I have good days too.

 So with that out of the way. I'll ramble through my declaration of intent disguised as a title in reverse order.

On 22nd Birthdays

As a friend put it, "Welcome to the the early 20's". So to be honest it was an uneventful day to any average person. I checked on some stuff for graduation, I met with a friend (who may or may not be reading this?) and I bought cake and ice-cream. So with that I can say this has been my best birthday in recent memory, which is pretty pathetic in a way, but you know, it's ok; because I suck at birthdays. The fact that I didn't just stay home and reduce myself to a well simmered stew of self pity is an accomplishment, so I will focus on that. I had a good day, even if it was pretty mundane.

On Aging

So here's where (hopefully) I can start talking about interesting concepts and idea, cool? Aging has been kind of on my mind, recently, not because of my upcoming birthday but because of two things. Firstly, I've been living with my aunt for the past few months and my grandfather, who is 92, has visited a few times for checkups and the like. My grandfather is in pretty good shape for a 92 year old, he's physically active, he's still pretty sharp mentally, the only thing is his memory, which tends to fade with age. So really, it's a blessing that my grandfather is in the shape he's in, but it still kinda stings that he doesn't seem to remember me.

I legit spent a good 20 mins talking to my grandfather, trying to remind him I'm his grandson, to no degree of success.

— Michael. (@mikexcelsior) October 24, 2017

So that kinda sucks. Secondly recently two of my favourite youtube creators; Kurzgesagt and CGP Grey (highly recommended btw), collaborated to talk about this very subject: Aging by the former and it's close partner Death by the latter.

Aging has been a part of life since there has been life. We know what causes it, every now and then we discover some organisms that can disregard it, and 24/7 makeup companies talk about how they can combat it. But in a way the great zig-zag line of human progress has turned out to be a fight against aging. We live longer and healthier than ever before, we've developed amazing medical discoveries and advancement but most of our medical resources go to the long-lived, because the taxman cometh.

I don't really have a point to make here. Like if we somehow made amazing serum which would make me impervious to the deterioration that comes with age would I take it? I don't know. I'm basically in the prime years of my life and I spend most of that time sitting, playing League of Legends. So like, does having a countdown timer on "health" make it worth more? Would it be right to remove that from the human race if we could? Will my grandfather remember me?

Find out next time...

Loneliness II: The Returning

Context

Loneliness was the 3rd post I made on this lowly blog,way back in the distant past of 2013. It was a simpler time: Obama was POTUS, I had just lost a girlfriend who seemed important to me then but would soon prove to be largely insignificant, my future still involved school and, somehow, Vybz Kartel wasn't yet in prison (oh, how time has soiled us all).However, back then, 4 years ago, I wrote Loneliness; a thesis of sorts in which I detailed my feelings of loneliness from the perspective of a recently heartbroken 17 year old. But there comes a time, where like an 8th Fast and Furious movie, the story must continue and it is partially for that purpose hat I am here as a 21 year old in an ongoing 3 year long distance relationship to wax poetic on the same issue. 

The Returning

Had someone told me, 4 years ago, that I would be in a relationship which has lasted 3 years and counting, I would have laughed. I, impulseprose, was not a long-term relationship kinda guy... at that point I had just failed to keep a relationship longer than 2 months. So I would not have believed you. However, let's pretend there is a Universe in which I did believe you; if you then told me that I would still be lonely despite the term of my relationship I would still have laughed. Relationships, I believed, made me happy. They were the spice of life, in lieu of Variety. And even now I cannot say I was totally wrong, back then, I can however say that nothing is ever that simple.

You see my relationships,and that with Fairytail (you remember her right? Yup, still going.) among others have made me happy. What has soured it, however, is Distance. This is a different breed of loneliness than that of my 17 year old self. This is still analagous to Hunger, but not the Hunger of a starving man but that of one who has tasted ambrosia and drunk nectar and then has to be content with the food of mere mortals.What I wanted then was sustenance, just a likkle food, enough to get by. Now I need luxury, I need the real stuff... and I need it so fucking badly. 

One may say,

But, impulseprose, isn't sustenance enough? In any event your current state is only temporary right? You'll get the real stuff or whatever soon.

And yeah, sure.  Logically it should be fine. But I am not in the situation for logic to fucking work. Because tasting perfection means that everything you consume which isn't perfection is a stab in your gut and a whisper in your ear saying "She isn't here". Just a reminder that your happiness is elsewhere. A notification, kindly informing you of the emptiness you've felt, and have been aptly avoiding, since the last time you were remotely happy. 

The old loneliness was just a hopeless spiral. This, this is different. Because there isn't just Hope, there is a kind of Certainty. The pain comes from the Distance and the Time. It's not the absence of Happiness; it's knowing you could be happy, but you aren't. This is a Prison, of sorts. A Purgatory, within which you know you cannot stay forever, but is sure as Hell feels like fucking forever.

I am a lonely man. 

Maybe that's just a defining feature. I was lonely before I had a girlfriend and I'm lonely now that I do. But I have tasted Happiness, and Love, and Belonging; I feel reminders of it every day. Because the thing about it is that I still need the food. It's no ambrosia, but I'm not starving right? So, for me at least, this loneliness is necessary.

It will end...
With Love,
-Me 

I Am Not Good At This...

So I'm not apologizing for not writing in so long because, well, quite frankly no-one cares... Well, that's not true, but I'm still not apologizing. Mainly because she doesn't want any apologies from me at this time. So... the last time you heard from me, impulseprose, was on Fairytale's birthday. So at least it was a happy occasion, and I'm grateful for that. This, however, is not a happy occasion.

When I introduced myself to you, impulseprose, I mentioned that I was a "Relationship Shegger". That, as far as I know, has not changed. I still continue to tear down all the relationships I have build, no matter how invincible I had though them to be... which is why I am afraid, and why I'm writing this right now. I'm afraid that I'm well on the path to destroying my relationship with Fairytale... and I don't know if I can survive that happening. That, impulseprose, would be the heartbreak that kills me, or worse.

Simply put: I am not good at this.

The distance has escalated from the last time we spoke. Moving from 1 hour and 45 mins by bus to about 8 hours by plane. So, in response, I have gotten better at none of the things that made the distance particularly hard last year. I communicate like shit, impulseprose... like fucking shit. Nothing I do works. Which isn't helped by the orientation process where I feel inclined to doing as much as possible and then some. So again I'm drowning myself in work while she is alone ... I'm just the worst possible fucking piece of UGH, that she could've chosen as her boyfriend. And she's continued to choose me, and forgive me... and I still do the same shit.

I am not good at this.

"I love you" and "I'm sorry" are probably the two most common phrases I say to her... and tonight she accepted neither of them. I'm afraid. I try not to think about negative stuff these days because I have the tendency to just wallow in self-hatred... but maybe I need some wallowing now... if anything for practice.. Because I'm afraid that this is the beginning of the end of us.  I don't want it to be, but I'm too bad at this for it to be sustainable. I can't ask her to forgive me of all my transgressions, she's only one person.

I am not good at this.

But I love her.
But that doesn't seem to be enough right now.
-Me

A Tale of an Appropriate Misnomer

Hello again, impulseprose. I have not forgotten you and I guess, I had to wish you Happy New Year somehow, even if it's the 6th, at least it's still January. Though I guess I must say, I never came here to do that, because well, I don't know, but I came here because today, my dear handful of readers, is FairyTail's  birthday.

So this blog, you see, was founded for one simple reason. I needed to rant. I have continued that rend and it is that culture which has led to the undisciplined, inconsistent and rather lazy outlook on posting here. I only come here, you see, when I want to rant (whether or not I'm able to do so). Now, the subject of my rants have been different and have changed as I have changed(?) and highlight my so-called troubles, my highs, my lows, my fickle cries for attention and my ever-present but illusive thoughts. It started however, with a breakup. A relationship which was really, really bad and benefited no-one and is now really just a giant scar, as it were, on my last years of high school. The ranting, for which, led to the only thing which has remained constant on this blog: Giving people nicknames.

So it started with A certain petite girl, which is probably a very fitting and nonspecific name which in a way, I believe, made getting over her, the aim of this blog at the time I must add, not so much a task. It didn't glorify her in any way, she was nothing, in the confines of this blog, but a certain petite girl, and eventually I realised.

I guess you see where I'll be going soon enough, but bear with me, this isn't creative writing, if I'm gonna be predictable then boo-hoo, cry me a river, [insert other "I careth not" cliche here].

So I made a lot of mention of  "certain friend" in my earlier posts (I am literally reading through all my posts and tracking the development of my pseudonyms) who would eventually be called mandevillegirl who for the love of all things beautiful and just is an AMAZING person who probably helped more than anyone through the whole petite girl phase. I respect few people more, and as shitty as I am as a friend she pretty much doesn't seem to care much. Always one to "Hi, Mike :)" and share insight or a few jokes, cheers me up even though at any given time she's probably not doing as well as I am, which makes me wonder if I've ever helped her >__> I dont know.

Actually, You the #1 Boss mandevillegirl

Next was a certain kohai, -kohai, as you may or may not know is a japanese honorific which refers to anyone at a lower stage in an establishment, the opposite, then of the more popular -sempai honorific, basically, in this case, it meant underclassman. AKA a certain former jailbait  in another post, so named because she had come to sixth form before the age of consent (which is 16 in Jamaica). This girl was the friend I needed in Upper Six, even though the was a Lower Sixer. The little enjoyment I got from my last year at that freaking school was because of her, and I'm eternally grateful. Eternally. 

Another awesome individual, however the names, still plain, still pretty basic. Though, mandevillegirl is indeed her blog's name, so not my given pseudonym, so there was the "a certain [descriptor]" nomenclature seen here. 

Then came FairyTail, so named because in a conversation we had early in our pre-relationship talkings about manga, she said the only one she ever read/liked was FairyTail. That's the story. But the name is so different it's ridiculously uncharacteristic looking at the others. From a certain petite girl to fairytail the difference between my mind going into a relationship and my mind coming out of one?  Probably. But 9-almost-10-months later it still seems pretty different so probably not it. 

The thing with this name though is that for all intents and purposes, it's a badly chosen name. It has a good feel you see, but Fairytail, as it were, doesn't like princesses. 

I do Japanese in school and tasked my self with finding a japanese nickname for Fairytail because I'm still adorable like that. So after some research I found myself somewhat enamoured with the -hime honourific. -Hime is an honourific/name suffix that would be given to a daiymo or shogun's daughter in feudal Japan, in essence, it's only translation in western society is princess. It works really good with the whole Fairytail rhetoric we have going on here. Plus it's the only one I knew, so it was easy. Till I told her about it. Her response?

"Princess? Bleh...."

"Nah"

"Ewww...haha..."

"Anything but the Princess one babe"

And you see the trend. I guess it works out for the best because in hindsight... what was I thinking v__v. But looking at it now, I cant make any Fairytail jokes. I mean unless she were to be Prince Charming (which when I think about it, she was the one who took my number... but then that would make me.. nope.. no.) So I guess, it just ends as a name, on my blog. 

But, in a way, we've been in each others' lives for about 11 months now almost 10 of which we've been in a relationship, which I must add must be due to some form of witchcraft for me. So in some way the name rings a bit true. We all know "Happily Ever After" isn't a thing, so I guess it's my task for the story to just not finish.

Wishing you a Happy Birthday, Fairytail. Continue your fair tale, and I shall aspire to fill your pages with happiness, and in lieu of that, apology. 

-Me

"On Grief." may be written soon enough, but till then...

I never knew her story.

Only the ending, really,

But the genre?

It was a Tragedy.

A plot twist, it seemed,

And only God knows the author.

In honesty I don't know how to start this blogpost, and I thought writing that verse that came to me today, as I drove down Old Hope Road, would be that which was needed to push the boulder over the cliff as far as the writing is concerned, but yet, still nothing. So I think it will be sufficient to say, I'm still in shock. 

Yesterday, someone I've basically known my entire life, a peer, and I daresay, a friend, died. And I haven't gotten through the shock of it yet. I haven't yet dealt with this, or started to, or decided whether or not it's something I have to deal with. I haven't gone back on social media because there are too many reminders and every time I see one, or someone mentions the crash it hits me again like I just heard it for the first time. Writing this I don't think I can really call it "On Grief" because I'm not grieving, I'm in shock. 

I guess, I have nothing else to say. I don't know enough about her to close with some poetic eulogy-esque statements, and my thoughts are still going nowhere. So I guess all I can do is offer my condolences to family, friends and all who saw it fit to grieve for both the deceased. But it feels weird that all that I can do for the one who I've known my whole life is the same I can do for the one I never knew.

Rest In Peace, Danielle.

-Me