There is no Love in the Home. The damn routine, meaningless conversations, the parental monologue, the seclusion. It's the story of my Life really... not that I wasn't Loved; I'm sure i was. But I never really felt it. I was kind of a prisoner in my own house... the feeling of separation: the Me and the Them... I feel Alone. I hate it... School is a bit different. I love the people.. Different people, with opinions, quirks, hobbies, passions, personalities, experiences, beginnings aspirations... They appeal to me. So there's a sort of happiness here.. but in the end people have their own lives, and aren't as easily attached as I am. They actually love their homes. Or they can't be here forever right?? Some have matriculated to other things. I miss them. And the ones that are going to leave. I will miss them. Others have just Graduated from me particularly. I miss them too. I guess out here at least I feel happy. But still a bredren/sistren is gonna have to spend a little time with a significant other (no prob with that)... or spend some time with some other non-mutual friends (no prob with that)... or deal with some business(no prob with that).. or............................ Well of course I have things to do too right? Why not just have a woman for yourself (weeeeeeeellll >_> ), make some other friends, have business to deal with?? In the end my experiences feel so different I'm alienated.. or I may even be alienating everybody else. Who knows?? So here I am, Alone again. walking the school campus. Aimlessly. Till i have to go Home. Of course there was a time when I did have someone to walk aimlessly with.. but those thing end too, I'm saddened to say..(and experiencing a contrasting situation actually makes the emptiness more profound) But yeah. Going Home. Never Fun. Back to the room or the corner (anywhere with the computer really) and an attempted escape from the Aloneness...... The Internet is a strange place. A place where paradoxes are made possible. The analogy of one being in a crowd but still being Lonely? Well that crowd is the Internet. Where you can share an experience with millions of people worldwide without sharing an experience with a fucking soul. There's no better place to be lonely really. A place that gives the illusion of a kind of togetherness... So you tend to hang on to every one of those snips of togetherness. Every message, mention, DM, friend request, follow, like, share, retweet; they now have a greater sentimental value. You start to seek them. Wait for them. Worry when they don't come. But it's only fake interaction, so it digs a deeper pit than was there originally (unless you somehow make a meaningful relationship with someone beyond for a few lulz and notifications) So you take that same "thirst"(haha many types of that around here..) into youre everyday life. Conversations get harder, though response becomes a bit more vital. It legitimately becomes harder to interact with people... But if you're like me you never really were good at that part any ways....
Ok.. I think I've goen far enough with that.. (and some of the points are already in there).. but yeah. Have you ever been legitimately hungry?? Like big-man-ting hungry, white scawl, "RAAWW" hungry?? well if you have (or haven't) I can assure you that food was (or would be) the ONLY thing on your mind. Loneliness is kinda like that. We all have a need for some amount of human companionship (some more or less than others.. but its there) and human companionship on different levels (family, friends, more-than-friends,lovers and it goes on). So without it we start to get hungry.
So what happens then?? 1. It starts to affect your thoughts. You start realising how other people seem to be happier or better off than you are (may or may not be the case). That "Single" effect where all you see are happy couples, seemingly because you are single. May even cause you to pull away from others more. 2. It affects your actions. Like hunger you start to think you'll take the food from wherever it comes from. You basically feel that you'll do anything to get out of the Loneliness hole... This is when Shit Gets Real.
Ever wondered why Teenage Relationships are in such disarray (or at least one of the reasons... I have a friend with really good thoughts on teenage r/ships) It's because of the desperation. You feel so in NEED of the relationships that you don't even take the time to form it properly. Then it crumbles.. and you curl into a tighter ball, with more loneliness, more desperation, more heartbreak. And a viscous soul devouring cycle begins........... However;
There Is A Cure
And that is Self Love. (Now I may not be the best person to talk about that, but bear with me) If we loved ourselves a little bit more, we wouldn't be so afraid of being alone. We would actually make sure our relationships were meaningful, we wouldn't allow so much shit to walk gaily through our lives. We wouldn't allow our self esteem to be affected by every adolescent wind that blows our way. A lot of things wouldn't happen. So how does one learn to love one's self............... haha.. Hilariously enough.. I don't think it can be done alone.
-Me
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