Pathetic...

pa·thet·ic  /pəˈTHetik/ 

adj. Arousing pity, esp. through vulnerability or sadness. Miserably inadequate.

I've been confronted with that feeling a lot these days, months..... actually for a pretty long time.  But seriously though: What Is Pathetic? 

As in What Defines It? Like why do we feel pathetic when we need someone or miss someone or won't let go of someone? Why is it that showing any amount of attachment or vulnerability "arouses pity" or is "miserably inadequate"? Since when have we embraced this whole "a man is an island" mentality where if one can't exist in solitude then he isn't "adequate". Most mistakes can be laughed at (like me putting nutmeg in my sausage this morning) but once it becomes an emotional issue that whole pathetic feeling comes along.

I won't lie. Pathetic took me by surprise today (which is why I'm writing this). So I come out of the exam of the Wretched Subject, I didn't do too well but I was laughing that off. Then I see Her. Now if you read my Introductions you should remember me talking about a "certain petite girl"... well yeah, Her. Now for whatever reason when we broke up (of course my fault, thus my lingering attachment) she gave me hope. [Now if you're a girl and you're reading this i beg of you; If you have to break up with somebody for whatever reason, don't give him hope. Something can happen in the future and you get back together, but don't give him hope directly following the break off, that shit does crazy shit to you're head. CHUS MI.] Anyways. so after giving me Hope she ignores me for about 2 weeks (which just dawned on me on Sunday). So yeah I'm in a pretty good mood after kinda passing that exam and then I see Her. Vybes Cut. Immediately. Then I realised that the vybes cut, then that pathetic feeling comes in. 

That thought that completely demotivates you. Reminding you of the mistakes, the inadequacies, the downright idiot that you are. The feeling of self Pity. Questioning your worth,strangling the little Self Esteem we can gather as people. Pathetic isn't a good feeling. But is it a bad feeling? 

Sometimes I feel we have a little inner masochist. Like somewhere inside of us actually likes being tortured. Probably it's not normal but we develop about the same time we develop convenience I think. So when something horrible happens we internalize it instead of expressing it like we were made to (though I can't really say anything about that since I'm piled Mile High on the inside). But I'm sure that all the negativity and heartbreak and anger and depression and sadness and neediness and longing and love and all that shit we decide to hole up on the inside, torturing ourselves and feeding that little masochist all for the sake of Convenience, isn't worth it. We'd like to think that we're saving ourselves from hurt, but we're hurting ourselves in the process (and however you think about that; it's dumb) 

And about the feeling itself I have the nagging feeling that it evolved from an emotion that we need(ed). Something which used to motivate us to learn from our mistakes and make ourselves better people. We just turned it into a device of torture. Where we remind ourselves of our shit without actually cleaning it up.  

Somewhat hilariously that pathetic feeling is still gripping me.. But yeah. Just a few thoughts. 

-Me