I Am Not Good At This...

So I'm not apologizing for not writing in so long because, well, quite frankly no-one cares... Well, that's not true, but I'm still not apologizing. Mainly because she doesn't want any apologies from me at this time. So... the last time you heard from me, impulseprose, was on Fairytale's birthday. So at least it was a happy occasion, and I'm grateful for that. This, however, is not a happy occasion.

When I introduced myself to you, impulseprose, I mentioned that I was a "Relationship Shegger". That, as far as I know, has not changed. I still continue to tear down all the relationships I have build, no matter how invincible I had though them to be... which is why I am afraid, and why I'm writing this right now. I'm afraid that I'm well on the path to destroying my relationship with Fairytale... and I don't know if I can survive that happening. That, impulseprose, would be the heartbreak that kills me, or worse.

Simply put: I am not good at this.

The distance has escalated from the last time we spoke. Moving from 1 hour and 45 mins by bus to about 8 hours by plane. So, in response, I have gotten better at none of the things that made the distance particularly hard last year. I communicate like shit, impulseprose... like fucking shit. Nothing I do works. Which isn't helped by the orientation process where I feel inclined to doing as much as possible and then some. So again I'm drowning myself in work while she is alone ... I'm just the worst possible fucking piece of UGH, that she could've chosen as her boyfriend. And she's continued to choose me, and forgive me... and I still do the same shit.

I am not good at this.

"I love you" and "I'm sorry" are probably the two most common phrases I say to her... and tonight she accepted neither of them. I'm afraid. I try not to think about negative stuff these days because I have the tendency to just wallow in self-hatred... but maybe I need some wallowing now... if anything for practice.. Because I'm afraid that this is the beginning of the end of us.  I don't want it to be, but I'm too bad at this for it to be sustainable. I can't ask her to forgive me of all my transgressions, she's only one person.

I am not good at this.

But I love her.
But that doesn't seem to be enough right now.
-Me

A Tale of an Appropriate Misnomer

Hello again, impulseprose. I have not forgotten you and I guess, I had to wish you Happy New Year somehow, even if it's the 6th, at least it's still January. Though I guess I must say, I never came here to do that, because well, I don't know, but I came here because today, my dear handful of readers, is FairyTail's  birthday.

So this blog, you see, was founded for one simple reason. I needed to rant. I have continued that rend and it is that culture which has led to the undisciplined, inconsistent and rather lazy outlook on posting here. I only come here, you see, when I want to rant (whether or not I'm able to do so). Now, the subject of my rants have been different and have changed as I have changed(?) and highlight my so-called troubles, my highs, my lows, my fickle cries for attention and my ever-present but illusive thoughts. It started however, with a breakup. A relationship which was really, really bad and benefited no-one and is now really just a giant scar, as it were, on my last years of high school. The ranting, for which, led to the only thing which has remained constant on this blog: Giving people nicknames.

So it started with A certain petite girl, which is probably a very fitting and nonspecific name which in a way, I believe, made getting over her, the aim of this blog at the time I must add, not so much a task. It didn't glorify her in any way, she was nothing, in the confines of this blog, but a certain petite girl, and eventually I realised.

I guess you see where I'll be going soon enough, but bear with me, this isn't creative writing, if I'm gonna be predictable then boo-hoo, cry me a river, [insert other "I careth not" cliche here].

So I made a lot of mention of  "certain friend" in my earlier posts (I am literally reading through all my posts and tracking the development of my pseudonyms) who would eventually be called mandevillegirl who for the love of all things beautiful and just is an AMAZING person who probably helped more than anyone through the whole petite girl phase. I respect few people more, and as shitty as I am as a friend she pretty much doesn't seem to care much. Always one to "Hi, Mike :)" and share insight or a few jokes, cheers me up even though at any given time she's probably not doing as well as I am, which makes me wonder if I've ever helped her >__> I dont know.

Actually, You the #1 Boss mandevillegirl

Next was a certain kohai, -kohai, as you may or may not know is a japanese honorific which refers to anyone at a lower stage in an establishment, the opposite, then of the more popular -sempai honorific, basically, in this case, it meant underclassman. AKA a certain former jailbait  in another post, so named because she had come to sixth form before the age of consent (which is 16 in Jamaica). This girl was the friend I needed in Upper Six, even though the was a Lower Sixer. The little enjoyment I got from my last year at that freaking school was because of her, and I'm eternally grateful. Eternally. 

Another awesome individual, however the names, still plain, still pretty basic. Though, mandevillegirl is indeed her blog's name, so not my given pseudonym, so there was the "a certain [descriptor]" nomenclature seen here. 

Then came FairyTail, so named because in a conversation we had early in our pre-relationship talkings about manga, she said the only one she ever read/liked was FairyTail. That's the story. But the name is so different it's ridiculously uncharacteristic looking at the others. From a certain petite girl to fairytail the difference between my mind going into a relationship and my mind coming out of one?  Probably. But 9-almost-10-months later it still seems pretty different so probably not it. 

The thing with this name though is that for all intents and purposes, it's a badly chosen name. It has a good feel you see, but Fairytail, as it were, doesn't like princesses. 

I do Japanese in school and tasked my self with finding a japanese nickname for Fairytail because I'm still adorable like that. So after some research I found myself somewhat enamoured with the -hime honourific. -Hime is an honourific/name suffix that would be given to a daiymo or shogun's daughter in feudal Japan, in essence, it's only translation in western society is princess. It works really good with the whole Fairytail rhetoric we have going on here. Plus it's the only one I knew, so it was easy. Till I told her about it. Her response?

"Princess? Bleh...."

"Nah"

"Ewww...haha..."

"Anything but the Princess one babe"

And you see the trend. I guess it works out for the best because in hindsight... what was I thinking v__v. But looking at it now, I cant make any Fairytail jokes. I mean unless she were to be Prince Charming (which when I think about it, she was the one who took my number... but then that would make me.. nope.. no.) So I guess, it just ends as a name, on my blog. 

But, in a way, we've been in each others' lives for about 11 months now almost 10 of which we've been in a relationship, which I must add must be due to some form of witchcraft for me. So in some way the name rings a bit true. We all know "Happily Ever After" isn't a thing, so I guess it's my task for the story to just not finish.

Wishing you a Happy Birthday, Fairytail. Continue your fair tale, and I shall aspire to fill your pages with happiness, and in lieu of that, apology. 

-Me