Memento Mori.

I've always liked Memento Mori as a Latin phrase, which is probably understandable as it's the only one I know, except my school motto: "Sic Luceat Lux". But I first met "Memento Mori" in a book. A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Austere Academy, where this very phrase was the school motto of Prufrock Preparatory School. And as Violet asks Klaus "What does it mean", he replies, remembering it from a book on Latin phrases he'd read, "Remember, You Will Die."

One of my favourite movies is "Watchmen" which is based on a graphic novel of the same name. It starts with the murder of a character we will find out is essential to the understanding of the world in which the movie is set. As he fights a losing battle, to "Unforgettable" as background music, his last words are "It's all a Joke", before his assailant throws him through the window of his condo... The event is scribed into Rorschach's Journal, after a short rant on the filth of human nature: "Tonight, a Comedian died in New York."

Memento Mori. "Remember, You Will Die."

Well today my cousin died.

Now I won't lie about it. That isn't the reason my mood has taken a turn for the worse... because when I came home and my mother casually says to me "Oh, You remember Ramon was in the hospital.. well.. He's gone," as she went up the stairs; I wasn't even stirred. He wasn't a particularly close cousin, I have no real memories with him, so yeah. I don't know if that makes me a cold bastard, but it's the truth. However, I guess it really did hit me later. My mood nosedived when I actually got the chance to sit down, and relax...

I was having all kinds of light hearted conversation too. Then it Hit Me.

 

Yup... 10:38 pm. It hit me. Well, THEY hit me.. Two things in particular:

 

1. I was guilty. I'm not supposed to be so alright after this. I should feel loss or something. Isn't that the human response to these situations. Loss, Remorse... and I felt even worse was that I was trying to justify my lack of reaction. "He died because of his own decisions", "You weren't all that close".. thoughts like those entered my mind pretty quickly, and as usual they didn't help, at all.

 

2. Death is all too close to everybody. It's just there, lurking... ready to break down our doors, and have us fight in vain, hoping that at least we'll be Unforgettable to at least one person. Praying that "It's all a Joke...". Hoping that we'll have a smile on our face, before we hit the pavement.

 

And with the Memento Mori there comes a certain fear. Before I go on, I don't think I'm afraid of death as much as the method... but as I was talking to some friends of mine it dawned on me; the reason I was afraid. I don't know how I would react if something happened to my friends.

I've lost a friend before... except we weren't all that close.. as in.. we'd just started talking. Then her life was stolen from her. And on that day... I WAS PISSED (to say the least) but I wasn't giving full vent to my anger... But Anger is a strange thing. I inadvertently punched a metal tank at school. It echoed. I almost broke 3 knuckles... But most surprising were comments of people after I had calmed down... apparently, I, the cool, funny guy, was scary. I guess it could be summed up simply.

As I said... if anything was to happen to any of my friends right now.... I have no idea what would happen. Though I have two theories. I'd either explode and end up killing something, or I'd shut down indefinitely. And from my perspective they are equally frightening outcomes. But the fact remains.

 

I'm Scared.

So... Scared.

 

I'm scared because as much as I claim to care about them some of them care about me more.

I'm scared because even the ones who aren't "good people" are some of the best I've ever met.

I'm scared because as much as I think they need me, I DEFINATELY need them more.

I'm scared because I haven't even confronted my problem with my parents yet.

I'm scared because of all he laughs, the memories, the shit, the good times, the bad times, the idling.

I'm scared because it's.. "you guys" and you all are irreplaceable (As if I would even try.)

 

Even though It's obvious we'll all die eventually...

But for My sake.. please.. just.. don't.

 

 

RIP Ramon.

-Me 

A Letter I Signed.

As usual, I didn't think my next post would be about this... Actually, I had thought this would've ended up as a Poem (*koff* poetry blog here *koff*). I honestly thought that my next blog post would've been about the amazing summer days I've had.. or the reminiscing I've done recently.. or something like that. But no. Apparently I'm not the boss here at impulseprose; I'm merely the medium or whatever. But Alas, Things happen.

In a way this is all about a friend I had kind of forgotten. I know this seems to contradict my beliefs on friendship but let me explain a bit. I didn't really forget her... She migrated and I just lost touch. I'm not sure how, but I did. It's not a proper excuse, but it's all I have. She didn't mind though (just saying). Now normally I would post screenshots of conversations I refer to in this blog. But I never got the chance to get her permission and there are some stuff I wouldn't be at liberty to freely disclose... so I apologise for neglecting my usual modus operandi.

She was apart of a group of 1st formers I befriended when I was in 4th form. Now I don't particularly enjoy "Little People" (as I would come to call them as I entered upper school), but there are a few who stand out... and I LOVE people who stand out. It was because of Drama Club really, but yeah. We shared a lot of moments, all of us, my friends and hers. Bake Sales, Productions, Fall Outs, Foolishness of all kinds. We went through two Drama Club Presidents: One Stellar, the other just No. We all, including her, were the club's future (as I'm now president and all). But she migrated at the end of (my) 5th form year.

Of the "Little People" I considered her my favourite.

I won't go into it too much but I found out that she had some problems. At the time I wasn't as helpful as I was now, and I was more comedic value, but I tried to help because I can't stand seeing my friends in shitty moods. It Rubs Me The Wrong Way. Like I'm no fighter, but I'd get beat up for a friend as much as I'd probably joke that "If ah fight bruk out is You and God alone, enuh". But that's just a front. I've learnt more and more often that I care, many times, more about others than myself (usually to my own detriment).

Anyways, it was her birthday recently and I don't normally S/O people on their birthdays (I don't know why >__>) but I had felt the urge to do so, but still didn't.. So today I decided to message her, give her a "Happy Belated Birthday" and run a few jokes... then I remembered:

 

I admit that that is a weird statement (but meh, I love being weird) . But it was true. The passive knowledge that she was happy around me (and our friends) made me realise something, though I never knew what it was at the time. But it took me two years to realise this, I mean, the realisation just dawned on me tonight/this morning:

 

 

 

(I reordered the tweets by the way.. )

 

 

"Not Everybody can make a Crying Girl Smile"

 



I recounted this story because it has reminded me of a very important truth. Throughout our lives we interact with many people, and many times one can feel that he/she really doesn't leave a dent, a footprint, a mark or whatever in anyone's lives. But believe me, You, Her, Me; we are all important to someone. We have all left a mark on someone's life (hopefully, however that it is a positive one)... and also, We all have someone, or people, who have left a mark on ours.

 

Your interactions are like letters you've written. Think, however, not about the amount you've sent, but about the amount you've signed.

 

Just Reminiscing,

Me. 

The Friendzone, Love, and the FB messenger app: A Converation....

So this Thursday I had a conversation with a reaaally good (female) friend of mine and eventually we started talking about a lot of things..  Due to my other blogger friend's previous post showing the answers when had gotten from the question "What is Love?" from different people I felt like sharing this convo... so here it is. I'm basically going to start at a very awkward place... just for the medshellment.

DISCLAIMER: These here are the views of me here at impulseprose.blogspot.com and may have material which offends anyone who is against the concept of "Love" or religious (specifically Christian) views... Unfortunately I cannot apologise for these neither do I feel the need to. Oh, also there are A LOT of typos, and this is a good part of a 6hr convo. IT.IS.LONG. so read at your own risk and I am not responsible for any time wasted. I just felt like sharing it. (and this whole DISCLAIMER thing is from a joke that's somewhere in the middle of this convo.... )

And if friends can't switch from a serious 2+ hr convo to one about android apps then I don't know what friendship is....

As Usual
- me