Loneliness II: The Returning

Context

Loneliness was the 3rd post I made on this lowly blog,way back in the distant past of 2013. It was a simpler time: Obama was POTUS, I had just lost a girlfriend who seemed important to me then but would soon prove to be largely insignificant, my future still involved school and, somehow, Vybz Kartel wasn't yet in prison (oh, how time has soiled us all).However, back then, 4 years ago, I wrote Loneliness; a thesis of sorts in which I detailed my feelings of loneliness from the perspective of a recently heartbroken 17 year old. But there comes a time, where like an 8th Fast and Furious movie, the story must continue and it is partially for that purpose hat I am here as a 21 year old in an ongoing 3 year long distance relationship to wax poetic on the same issue. 

The Returning

Had someone told me, 4 years ago, that I would be in a relationship which has lasted 3 years and counting, I would have laughed. I, impulseprose, was not a long-term relationship kinda guy... at that point I had just failed to keep a relationship longer than 2 months. So I would not have believed you. However, let's pretend there is a Universe in which I did believe you; if you then told me that I would still be lonely despite the term of my relationship I would still have laughed. Relationships, I believed, made me happy. They were the spice of life, in lieu of Variety. And even now I cannot say I was totally wrong, back then, I can however say that nothing is ever that simple.

You see my relationships,and that with Fairytail (you remember her right? Yup, still going.) among others have made me happy. What has soured it, however, is Distance. This is a different breed of loneliness than that of my 17 year old self. This is still analagous to Hunger, but not the Hunger of a starving man but that of one who has tasted ambrosia and drunk nectar and then has to be content with the food of mere mortals.What I wanted then was sustenance, just a likkle food, enough to get by. Now I need luxury, I need the real stuff... and I need it so fucking badly. 

One may say,

But, impulseprose, isn't sustenance enough? In any event your current state is only temporary right? You'll get the real stuff or whatever soon.

And yeah, sure.  Logically it should be fine. But I am not in the situation for logic to fucking work. Because tasting perfection means that everything you consume which isn't perfection is a stab in your gut and a whisper in your ear saying "She isn't here". Just a reminder that your happiness is elsewhere. A notification, kindly informing you of the emptiness you've felt, and have been aptly avoiding, since the last time you were remotely happy. 

The old loneliness was just a hopeless spiral. This, this is different. Because there isn't just Hope, there is a kind of Certainty. The pain comes from the Distance and the Time. It's not the absence of Happiness; it's knowing you could be happy, but you aren't. This is a Prison, of sorts. A Purgatory, within which you know you cannot stay forever, but is sure as Hell feels like fucking forever.

I am a lonely man. 

Maybe that's just a defining feature. I was lonely before I had a girlfriend and I'm lonely now that I do. But I have tasted Happiness, and Love, and Belonging; I feel reminders of it every day. Because the thing about it is that I still need the food. It's no ambrosia, but I'm not starving right? So, for me at least, this loneliness is necessary.

It will end...
With Love,
-Me