So it hit me today, and when I say hit I mean a sudden, painful and quite badly timed realisation, that April is upon me, or upon us. Now April is of significance for a few reasons. To most of us here in the Caribbean it's the month before all those good ol' external exams begin, when Internal Assessments are due and you realise you haven't started shit yet. That I am very much guilty of, every year... However for me it has a bit more personal significance... of the "why the fuck am I such a sentimental piece of shit" variety.
You see it started 4 fucking years ago... FOUR... April 7th, when a girl who wasn't my friend yet was killed by her father. I will go no further with that, except to say that I don't deserve to mourn for a girl who wasn't my friend yet if her friends have learnt to deal with her absence. I don't deserve to, yet every April, I somehow am propelled into this phase of pathetically sad bitchiness (or bitchy, pathetic sadness?) under the guise of mourning. Guise because it's selfish, just my relentless need for people and the thought that I lost one before I had the chance to gain her in the first place. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.
Then secondly, you remember a certain petite girl right? About yeah tall, small frame, I wrote several very bad poems after she left me, alongside a few rants on good ol' impulseprose? Yeah, her. Well she was a timing maestro, as if she had calculated the best time to pretty much wreck me. She abandoned me on Sunday, April 7, a day I stayed at home because I just couldn't deal hoping my Seventh Day Adventist girlfriend would be of some solace... and then she left me the day after. Something about me being boring and depressing. So yeah... that was a good 4 months... Thank God for Summer, Dempster and Fairytales.
But this post isn't to talk about those incidents. Because honestly they really aren't the real reason for this shitstorm that is my mood currently, and may continue to be my mood for a while. These things are basically what I call "excuses". They are events that validate, to some extent, my self destructive behaviour.
I have spoken about, in the past, the concept of an inner masochist. The deep need or want we apparently have to punish ourselves for things. ( I guess I can only talk for myself to be honest, so the "we" should be "I" and the "ourselves", "myself". ) I accelerate that urge. I find a reason, a correlation, an event, anything and I go to town on it.
Now I'm pretty sure it's evident that I do believe in Love... as a thing, that is important. However, a certain petite girl postulated that I am intrinsically incapable of expressing Love, whatever it is, because I (in her opinion) don't love myself. I couldn't answer at the time because I wasn't sure if I did, and I still don't know if I do.
And that scares me.
It scares me because I don't wan't to lie to someone I care about. Especially not about something that important. There are things I want to say and fucking mean it. It's the day after two weeks with Fairytale and 8 days from the apex of my excuses. And she has done nothing to deserve me in this shitstorm state. Because the strange thing about caring about someone is that you can't watch them suffer. So I'm not even just torturing myself... and then the circle of self loathing makes another turn.
In truth though, I'm glad I'm not soloing through this: couldn't ask for better girlfriend right now.
-Me
Saturday 29 March 2014
Sunday 16 March 2014
March 15: Performance and Direction
So yesterday Where is Melissa? came to fruition. Quite frankly it shot passed faster than I could have imagined... I was surprised to find out the run time was almost 2 hours. That however is how these things are. Our perception of time is dependent on the amount of time we have perceived. I've gone through what? 3 months of Where Is Melissa? so what the hell is 2 hours in comparison?
However as a performance, I believe ii was stellar. There were mistakes, but we worked around them. We put out everything we had on that stage, and I do feel the urge to declare the Where Is Melissa? premier a massacre, 'cause we all killed it. However I'll have to wait till tomorrow for the director's words on that matter.
In productions like this however I cannot overlook the importance of performance and direction. Performers are the medium through which the idea trapped in a script or some guy's head will be released to the world. Their performance will determine the reception of these ideas. Without performers a play is just literature, and while literature has magnificence and power in itself, performance is the art of giving life to that power and magnificence, and plays are in a way one of the only literary forms which allow this without hindrance (we have all been disappointed by book-inspired movie at least once in our lives). Even more interesting is that quality performance depends as much on the literature as it does the performer. If a character is badly written, it doesn't matter how well you play him/her... he/she is still a bad character.
However there lies yet another mediation between script/idea and the world: direction. Performers, as good as they may be, need direction. I assure you that if a bunch of world class performers were given a script and told "act" you would get something ranging from shitty to decent. What you would not get however is excellence. Direction offers the possibility of excellence in performance. Through (good) direction the performers are molded and set, their understanding of their roles and characters is deepened and broadened., understanding of the performance space is improved. In the end, you have performers uniquely tuned for that specific performance. That is where excellence comes from...
Yesterday, I believe there was plenty of performing excellence, however the hand of the director cannot be overlooked.
So with that said, me and Fairytale are a thing now.
With Nocturnal Fervour
-Me
However as a performance, I believe ii was stellar. There were mistakes, but we worked around them. We put out everything we had on that stage, and I do feel the urge to declare the Where Is Melissa? premier a massacre, 'cause we all killed it. However I'll have to wait till tomorrow for the director's words on that matter.
In productions like this however I cannot overlook the importance of performance and direction. Performers are the medium through which the idea trapped in a script or some guy's head will be released to the world. Their performance will determine the reception of these ideas. Without performers a play is just literature, and while literature has magnificence and power in itself, performance is the art of giving life to that power and magnificence, and plays are in a way one of the only literary forms which allow this without hindrance (we have all been disappointed by book-inspired movie at least once in our lives). Even more interesting is that quality performance depends as much on the literature as it does the performer. If a character is badly written, it doesn't matter how well you play him/her... he/she is still a bad character.
However there lies yet another mediation between script/idea and the world: direction. Performers, as good as they may be, need direction. I assure you that if a bunch of world class performers were given a script and told "act" you would get something ranging from shitty to decent. What you would not get however is excellence. Direction offers the possibility of excellence in performance. Through (good) direction the performers are molded and set, their understanding of their roles and characters is deepened and broadened., understanding of the performance space is improved. In the end, you have performers uniquely tuned for that specific performance. That is where excellence comes from...
Yesterday, I believe there was plenty of performing excellence, however the hand of the director cannot be overlooked.
So with that said, me and Fairytale are a thing now.
With Nocturnal Fervour
-Me
Tuesday 11 March 2014
The Future: Near and Far
I'm writing here more regularly... I have no idea if that's particularly good. I mean I'm 100% sure I have more constructive things to do; but anyways. We have lengths of thought to cover.
I realize that I've reached the stage where thinking about the future is not only important, but it's importance is greatly highlighted and stressed. I have the tendency however not to contemplate the future at all. You see I have learnt to keep myself quite busy, so busy that everything is done on the basis of urgency instead of importance. Today, though, is a bit different. Today the future spoke to me a little bit. It informed me that I was accepted by UTECH for Computer Science. Now like any acceptance letter recipient I was quite happy... but upon thinking about this and the decisions surrounding it I realized the potency of the choices ahead of me. In the process however it wasn't only the far future that I looked into but also the closer future.
So I shall start there:
It's the Final Week. Yes. Where Is Melissa? is THIS WEEK. I'm so excited? So exhilarated? Actually right now I'm mostly exhausted. As in, I've been tired before. Actually I've been tired for a very long time. However the exhaustion of this production is now at it's peak - I've been tired for like two weeks now. However, as it usually is when acting, it's the good tired. I know that there will be nothing in recent memory more satisfying than KILLING this show on Saturday; and I strongly believe the rest of the cast knows this as well. So I will ensure that every time I touch the stage on the coming night, there is a funeral to plan.
And Saturday isn't just about this production, which has consumed most of my energy and being over the past few weeks (or months?). It's also about everything this production has brought into my life... including dear Fairytale... This Saturday SHALL (and has to) be a day of fruition.
And just in case you haven't completely believed me about this whole production:
I realize that I've reached the stage where thinking about the future is not only important, but it's importance is greatly highlighted and stressed. I have the tendency however not to contemplate the future at all. You see I have learnt to keep myself quite busy, so busy that everything is done on the basis of urgency instead of importance. Today, though, is a bit different. Today the future spoke to me a little bit. It informed me that I was accepted by UTECH for Computer Science. Now like any acceptance letter recipient I was quite happy... but upon thinking about this and the decisions surrounding it I realized the potency of the choices ahead of me. In the process however it wasn't only the far future that I looked into but also the closer future.
So I shall start there:
It's the Final Week. Yes. Where Is Melissa? is THIS WEEK. I'm so excited? So exhilarated? Actually right now I'm mostly exhausted. As in, I've been tired before. Actually I've been tired for a very long time. However the exhaustion of this production is now at it's peak - I've been tired for like two weeks now. However, as it usually is when acting, it's the good tired. I know that there will be nothing in recent memory more satisfying than KILLING this show on Saturday; and I strongly believe the rest of the cast knows this as well. So I will ensure that every time I touch the stage on the coming night, there is a funeral to plan.
And Saturday isn't just about this production, which has consumed most of my energy and being over the past few weeks (or months?). It's also about everything this production has brought into my life... including dear Fairytale... This Saturday SHALL (and has to) be a day of fruition.
And just in case you haven't completely believed me about this whole production:
The Show Must Go On!
So why did this acceptance letter cause so much reflection? Well, as much as I love Comp. Sci. I am a science student for a reason: I have planned up to this point to be a doctor. Now while I love both somewhat equally, Medicine is admittedly a greater achievement, however not exactly a greater opportunity. In my eyes Comp. Sci. is everything. Medicine, Finance, Manufacturing, Industry... In some way or another those and more are all to some extent Computer Science. It's scope is endless.
Then even though I've put a lot of energy into this whole Med aspiration the more I think about it the scarier and worse as an investment it sounds. Firstly it's 5 more years of school (not counting the years of internship) at a hefty price of $2.8million a year (well.. i can possibly get a huge subsidy that drops hat to $600,000... and I must if I actually pursue the course.) So 5 years of difficult, round the clock and calendar work. As in after the First Year, I would be looking at 1 week of Christmas and abut 3 weeks of summer... added to this is the fact that the time this course demands makes it nearly impossible to do much else. Which is in fact my greatest fear. I can no longer, after the past 7 years, attend a school and do solely "school". I simply can't and the thought of doing that for the next 5 years is terrifying.
So I really want to do med... but the more I think about it the more like a question it sounds... Do I really want to do med?
I really can't answer that. But sooner or later I will have to.
Walk Good,
-Me
Sunday 2 March 2014
Looking Up: Some Positivity for Once.
So my last post was pretty negative and the overarching situation still stands, however it's about time I brought some positive vybes to impulseprose, so I'm gonna try my best to focus on everything good that is happening and has happened in my life recently (in no particular order). Lets Go.
1. DRAMA CLUB WEDDING DID SHEEELLL!!!! I mean I was really surprised at how well we pulled it off with close to zero practice. All I can say is improvisation is a beautiful, beautiful thing. It wasn't perfect. We started late and the food sharing was grossly inefficient, and as a result we had no actual reception. However all in all it was a success, even financially (which is a thing we have struggled with in the past) So yeah, as I said, the club's failures are my failures and the club's successes are the club's successes, and Friday's Drama Club Wedding was definitely the club's success. (Photos will be posted, they will be hype)
2. "Jamaica Hour" was actually enjoyable. I mean that's wholly because of the brilliance of a certain Theatre Arts teacher, she is nothing short of a savant really. The choice of MC was stellar, the items (for the most part) were of uniquely high quality and offered both high cultural and entertainment value (I mean a little girl preached from the scriptures of Alligator Pond 1:1 to the end. I was in tears), there were a few (MANY) hiccups and as assistant stage manager I was doing more running up and down than enjoying the show, but in the end it was a program well done. Amazing what people can do even under such grave conditions.
3. Where Is Melissa? is nearing call time. We have exactly 13 days till production. I wont speak much on it; but the experience is still quite surreal. I mean its not all rainbows and sweet perfume, we have gotten a lot of "cuss out" and we are still not anywhere near where we need to be. But all the same I can see it. Yes. I. Fucking. See. It. And I sincerely hope everybody else sees it too, unless they will get discouraged, because what I see is pretty spectacular. D-Day: March 15th.
4. I haven't been to Carib or Physics class in like 2 weeks. I don't know if this is truly positive, but it definitely feels good.
5. I'm apparently a person of interest in my school biome? Though I doubt being roumored about makes one a person of interest but hey, a niggs can dream. So there's a certain former jailbait that came to my school this school year, and I guess we basically hit it off pretty immediately, we're pretty much alike, and worlds apart. I tend to be close to my female friends (physically and otherwise) and that increases to the extent of how close I'm safely allowed to go. The consequence of this? Everybody now swears we are a couple. Now I have no problem with this, it's a recurring theme in high school life the romantic speculation, the belief that apparently platonic relationships are either inferior to or just less interesting than romantic ones... It's all natural. The immaturity about it however is bordering hilarious. I'll watch where it goes.
6. Finally: Romantic Interest? So as you here at impulseprose should know from Introductions...... I suck at relationships (and not in the good way), and since this blog started pretty much in the wake of a dead one, ya'll are pretty much up-to-date with my life in that regard since then... specifically that my life has not had that regard since then. Or since about 3 weeks ago. Now I don't mention names here for several reasons, and since the last SO alias was "a certain petite girl" I shall now dub thee... "Fairytale" (She will read this, she will get this... she will smile). So 3 weeks ago the fairy tale started when she asked for my number. Yes. I was the prey. NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I BEEN PREY (and if I understand correctly neither does she particularly hunt). There it began, and in the most bizarre growth of a relationship I've ever been apart of, 3 weeks later, having talked about everything from literature to equal oral sex rights and quite a few things in between I sit here calling her Fairytail. This is reckless as fuck, emotionally and I know I'm a sentimental so this will either actually put some life into me (which I need) or drain it all out. So it must be by magic that I know this and still look forward to taking the gamble.
So yeah, I guess my life isn't all New Tie problems and fuckery. I need to learn how to look up every now and then...
-Me
1. DRAMA CLUB WEDDING DID SHEEELLL!!!! I mean I was really surprised at how well we pulled it off with close to zero practice. All I can say is improvisation is a beautiful, beautiful thing. It wasn't perfect. We started late and the food sharing was grossly inefficient, and as a result we had no actual reception. However all in all it was a success, even financially (which is a thing we have struggled with in the past) So yeah, as I said, the club's failures are my failures and the club's successes are the club's successes, and Friday's Drama Club Wedding was definitely the club's success. (Photos will be posted, they will be hype)
2. "Jamaica Hour" was actually enjoyable. I mean that's wholly because of the brilliance of a certain Theatre Arts teacher, she is nothing short of a savant really. The choice of MC was stellar, the items (for the most part) were of uniquely high quality and offered both high cultural and entertainment value (I mean a little girl preached from the scriptures of Alligator Pond 1:1 to the end. I was in tears), there were a few (MANY) hiccups and as assistant stage manager I was doing more running up and down than enjoying the show, but in the end it was a program well done. Amazing what people can do even under such grave conditions.
3. Where Is Melissa? is nearing call time. We have exactly 13 days till production. I wont speak much on it; but the experience is still quite surreal. I mean its not all rainbows and sweet perfume, we have gotten a lot of "cuss out" and we are still not anywhere near where we need to be. But all the same I can see it. Yes. I. Fucking. See. It. And I sincerely hope everybody else sees it too, unless they will get discouraged, because what I see is pretty spectacular. D-Day: March 15th.
4. I haven't been to Carib or Physics class in like 2 weeks. I don't know if this is truly positive, but it definitely feels good.
5. I'm apparently a person of interest in my school biome? Though I doubt being roumored about makes one a person of interest but hey, a niggs can dream. So there's a certain former jailbait that came to my school this school year, and I guess we basically hit it off pretty immediately, we're pretty much alike, and worlds apart. I tend to be close to my female friends (physically and otherwise) and that increases to the extent of how close I'm safely allowed to go. The consequence of this? Everybody now swears we are a couple. Now I have no problem with this, it's a recurring theme in high school life the romantic speculation, the belief that apparently platonic relationships are either inferior to or just less interesting than romantic ones... It's all natural. The immaturity about it however is bordering hilarious. I'll watch where it goes.
6. Finally: Romantic Interest? So as you here at impulseprose should know from Introductions...... I suck at relationships (and not in the good way), and since this blog started pretty much in the wake of a dead one, ya'll are pretty much up-to-date with my life in that regard since then... specifically that my life has not had that regard since then. Or since about 3 weeks ago. Now I don't mention names here for several reasons, and since the last SO alias was "a certain petite girl" I shall now dub thee... "Fairytale" (She will read this, she will get this... she will smile). So 3 weeks ago the fairy tale started when she asked for my number. Yes. I was the prey. NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I BEEN PREY (and if I understand correctly neither does she particularly hunt). There it began, and in the most bizarre growth of a relationship I've ever been apart of, 3 weeks later, having talked about everything from literature to equal oral sex rights and quite a few things in between I sit here calling her Fairytail. This is reckless as fuck, emotionally and I know I'm a sentimental so this will either actually put some life into me (which I need) or drain it all out. So it must be by magic that I know this and still look forward to taking the gamble.
So yeah, I guess my life isn't all New Tie problems and fuckery. I need to learn how to look up every now and then...
-Me
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