Ianuariis

Firstly I love Latin... until i start anatomy and get sick of it.. but yeah, everything for me has been Latin these days. Like my last poem: Aevum: Time, Eternity, Age, Generation, Lifetime.... Anyways I also find it funny that the latin for New Year is apparently Ianuariis.. as in January. That's it, not the word for new and the word for year. It's the word for the first month. So I start this post by wishing you all a Happy January.

Now I make it no secret that my grasp of the whole concept of Time is elementary at best. The passage of time for me is something I apparently have simply lost appreciation for, which is horrible for my time management skills among other things. But it affects me immensely in my appreciation of time based celebrations. Birthdays, New Years, and (God forbid in the future) Anniversaries don't particularly click with me. I've been 18 for a little over 2 months now (whoo?) and like every other birthday I felt no inherently different on October 25 than i did on October 23, so the significance of the age doesn't get to me. 

I'm legally an adult. Am I an adult??? haha... Fuck no... I'm just a petit-alcoholic, with a poor excuse for a beard (level 2 chin hair as I call it), childish indecisiveness, (what I believe are) large thoughts, potential and fear. SO. MUCH. FEAR. And my hatred of being controlled by emotions definitely doesn't excuse fear. But as this point I can't really escape it as much as I have to face it. Head On. With nothing but Dreams and a Toothbrush. And I think my realization of that fact may make me more of an adult than I think I am... well... if I act on that realization.

But my problem with time is it's perception. There are too many variables to account for. How does ANYONE have a good sense of time??? I mean simply, by aging our perception of time speeds up. To a 2 year old child One Year is one HELL of a long time, HALF OF HIS/HER LIFE... but to an 80 year old, what is a year? Our perception of time depends partially on the amount of time we have perceived. 

And So another 1/18 of my life has passed... 

And 2013 was probably the epitome of bittersweet. Lower 6th Form was one of the better/alright years of my high school life. Summer 2013 was the BEST summer of my life. Period. and the 1st term of Upper 6th Form was Horrendously Awful.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities(1859)

(Wonderful quote that, hmm 1859...)

So many themes have come into play this year I don't remember them all; so many mistakes that I'll probably end up repeating some of them; so many good times, bad times, times in between I only know other years will just be a year of neutrality... 

So On to 2014

I guess we all need to change some things. You know, never came outta 2013 no fool... But people have to stop this whole "New Year's Resolution" thing... because in my opinion it just leads to disappointment. Set attainable, specific goals and plan to achieve them. Don't make a long list of achievements you want to accomplish, make a few, decide how to accomplish them and stick to the plan. What's even better? You can do that all year round, or you should.... haha, I should. So my goals this year are as follows in no particular order (and if you know me and see me and read this antagonize me about these bitches so I step my game up):

• Spirituality: Stop trying to understand God and start getting to know Him, do all that stuff I know I should do but keep overlooking or ignoring....  

• Work on Time Management: dedicate more time to my educational requirements; manage leisure better; DEVELOP BETTER SLEEPING HABITS(I say as I write this at 1:54 am)...

• Work on Leadership Skills: Delegation, Delegation and bumbaat Delegation; at least try to be a better role model as Deputy Head Boy, Find a way to deal with Drama Club; Delegation.

• Take Care of Myself: DEVELOP BETTER SLEEPING HABITS; Eat more regularly and healthier; Find some form of exercise... 

• UNIVERSITY:  sigh... never wanted to mention this directly but it must happen at all costs (and financially the least).

• Relationships: Preserve and strengthen the ones I have; be wise in the ones I enter; spend more time with people in general (I know I want to...); Learn the Art of Conversation, at least somewhat.

Don't know if I followed my own guidelines but these are things I must achieve.. not just this year but as Time continues. I hope we all continue on this whole Journey of Self Improvement as we go into this year. 
Wishing you all the best for 2014 and beyond; Me. 

Reading.

My posts and writing have been horrendously infrequent. Not that I haven't tried. Drafts and I don't really work if I can't do it the first time then it won't get done: and I've started about 3 or 4 posts since the last one... no dice. And poetry? Last poem I wrote was called "Dear Reader" or something to that effect. Written in Carib class, rife with profanity and stolen by a certain kohai (underclassman if you're not japanese honorific- savvy) if i get it back I'll post it.

I would love to write a post about this year improving... About how things started getting better, a story about how I truly realized and started bonding with a newer group of "true friends" and stopped being so fucking down an lonely and meh all the time. Or about getting some much needed ambition and getting my act together in this final push through secondary education and unto the tertio. Something.. Unfortunately I have no such stories and I'm pretty much how I've been since September; except I've rediscovered reading.  

Like all small children I read a lot, and since my interests as a child spread in a tonne of directions I owe even some of my current knowledge to my reading of old. But like most teenage boys somewhere I kinda just stopped. Can't say why, but it happened. But there was always a thing with me and reading and that was that I devoured literature. DEVOURED IT. I started and I finished with little between them. Devoured and moved on. When I started to read manga I adopted the same attitude (though I've lost a bit of my manga fanaticism... which worries me because these stories haven't finished yet....) But some time this month I decided to read a novel. And for that I blame Youtube and specifically, vlogbrothers. 

John Green. 

It started one Sunday with Looking For Alaska and by the next Sunday I had already finished The Fault in Our Stars, Will Grayson, Will Grayson and Paper Towns.... One Week. Four Novels Devoured. I probably stopped because of exams... and after watching another vlogbrothers video, with John Green giving book recommendations, on Friday I started The Magicians by Lev Grossman.... and today, Sunday, I finished the second book of that series, and I'll probably be nagged, by my own brain, into procuring and devouring the third and final of installment of the series, before doing the same for An Abundance of Katherines the John Green novel I haven't read yet. And surely it won't stop there....

Books are alluring, like small, temporary and portable soul capturing devices. They don't let you go. It's like An Imperial Affliction a fictional book in The Fault in Our Stars. It basically never ended and it captured souls right, left and centre... never giving them back. I fear, respect and appreciate books. Holding their author's essence, yet in a way being completely independent of them. Instigating thought, taking hold of emotions, and basically doing whatever the fuck they want. And I kind of hate them for that and love them for that. 

Funnily enough, and maybe for that very reason, I somehow became a writer (not sure how good I am though). I would love to inscribe on some good old ink and paper (or atleast some good old word files or an epub) something as powerful as the books I've read... and that is a daunting task. I actually (embarrassingly enough) started a novel, based on a short story I'd written... and it's been untouched since early this year (after my late computer died). I hope to complete it one day, and God I hope it doesn't suck. 

Books, narratives, reading, even literacy itself are simply amazing things... and I one day want to create something amazing. I want to write something that will instill in, someone sometime in time to come, some awe. Or at least make an enjoyable day's reading for some kid who goes through books like I go through a bag of crackers... who Devours them.

Sincerely

-Me