Continued Self-Awareness

Hey there! I'm writing again, and as I mentioned last time, my life still isn't falling apart. I'm fine. This post isn't necessarily another cry for help or a blind rant in search of catharsis, it's more a... discussion. Of course, it's a one way discussion, but most of you know me, so I don't know, if for whatever reason you feel you just have to reply, feel free to do so. Hit me up on Twitter,Telegram, um.. by smoke signal?  I don't know where else you could find me, but yeah. Do that, and I'd be glad to talk about whatever. That was a bigger diversion than it should have been, but this whole thing is meant to be stream of consciousness.. that's why it's called impulseprose.

So as most of you are aware, this blog has changed a great deal since its pathetic, but necessary beginnings. I was actually talking to a friend about this today (formerly known as Kohai, but that's no longer an accurate descriptor so let's refer to her as the Wayward Genius, Wayward to her friends.) As I was saying to Wayward, I think the defining feature of this blog has always been, to some degree, that it is an exercise in self awareness. It is, and has been, a tool to document and work through facets of my being that I have realised by just putting them out there. Not really to say "Look at me" but just for it to exist, I guess. So that I can go back to it, and that those I care about, who have helped me to come to these realisations in the first place can watch and see for themselves. That they can look on for a moment and say proudly, "Well... At least him know seh him fool".

So, with that in mind, I think it makes sense that I run into this theme headfirst. So far I've been stumbling into self awareness. I've come across morsels of understanding, just going through life, which I guess is just how life works. So by that metric I've been doing a decent job, but since I've been, unknowingly, on this journey of the Self for so long, I think it's time I take it seriously. It's about time I spend time actively looking into myself to dig out these truths. I mean, realistically, maybe some of them will turn up to be flowery bullshit that I've conjured up and convinced myself is true, but other stuff will be real and those understandings of myself will help me to be a better me. I can capitalize on my strengths and learn to work around my weaknesses and all that self improvement stuff (or I could do nothing about either, but you know. Optimism is nice sometimes.)

But, dear reader, what does that mean for you? 

I actually have no idea

But seriously, it could mean more posts on the blog. Which, really, is a bit of a double edged sword. On one hand some of you will actually hear from me, which is nice; but on the other hand it'll just be more ranting about myself. So, tl;dr if what you want is more of this rambly nonsense, then sure. You're Welcome. Otherwise, I deeply apologize. 

Now the funny thing about this is that all I've said up to this point was really supposed to be an introduction, but it became somewhat of an announcement didn't it. Sooo what that means is that there will be another post shortly after this one (though I won't specify shortly on what scale), but I actually have like 2 blog post worthy ideas (so... just ideas really) so I look forward to wasting a bit more of your time in the coming weeks. 

I'm making no promises. 

Hopefully, 

Me.

On Aging and 22nd Birthdays

Unlike a father who went out for cigarettes, I have returned. I felt today deserved a blog post, because recently I've only written when I'm going through some deep, depressing shit. But, it truly is important to write on good days too. Because, for my hypothetical fans, it's important to note:

I have good days too.

 So with that out of the way. I'll ramble through my declaration of intent disguised as a title in reverse order.

On 22nd Birthdays

As a friend put it, "Welcome to the the early 20's". So to be honest it was an uneventful day to any average person. I checked on some stuff for graduation, I met with a friend (who may or may not be reading this?) and I bought cake and ice-cream. So with that I can say this has been my best birthday in recent memory, which is pretty pathetic in a way, but you know, it's ok; because I suck at birthdays. The fact that I didn't just stay home and reduce myself to a well simmered stew of self pity is an accomplishment, so I will focus on that. I had a good day, even if it was pretty mundane.

On Aging

So here's where (hopefully) I can start talking about interesting concepts and idea, cool? Aging has been kind of on my mind, recently, not because of my upcoming birthday but because of two things. Firstly, I've been living with my aunt for the past few months and my grandfather, who is 92, has visited a few times for checkups and the like. My grandfather is in pretty good shape for a 92 year old, he's physically active, he's still pretty sharp mentally, the only thing is his memory, which tends to fade with age. So really, it's a blessing that my grandfather is in the shape he's in, but it still kinda stings that he doesn't seem to remember me.

I legit spent a good 20 mins talking to my grandfather, trying to remind him I'm his grandson, to no degree of success.

— Michael. (@mikexcelsior) October 24, 2017

So that kinda sucks. Secondly recently two of my favourite youtube creators; Kurzgesagt and CGP Grey (highly recommended btw), collaborated to talk about this very subject: Aging by the former and it's close partner Death by the latter.

Aging has been a part of life since there has been life. We know what causes it, every now and then we discover some organisms that can disregard it, and 24/7 makeup companies talk about how they can combat it. But in a way the great zig-zag line of human progress has turned out to be a fight against aging. We live longer and healthier than ever before, we've developed amazing medical discoveries and advancement but most of our medical resources go to the long-lived, because the taxman cometh.

I don't really have a point to make here. Like if we somehow made amazing serum which would make me impervious to the deterioration that comes with age would I take it? I don't know. I'm basically in the prime years of my life and I spend most of that time sitting, playing League of Legends. So like, does having a countdown timer on "health" make it worth more? Would it be right to remove that from the human race if we could? Will my grandfather remember me?

Find out next time...

Loneliness II: The Returning

Context

Loneliness was the 3rd post I made on this lowly blog,way back in the distant past of 2013. It was a simpler time: Obama was POTUS, I had just lost a girlfriend who seemed important to me then but would soon prove to be largely insignificant, my future still involved school and, somehow, Vybz Kartel wasn't yet in prison (oh, how time has soiled us all).However, back then, 4 years ago, I wrote Loneliness; a thesis of sorts in which I detailed my feelings of loneliness from the perspective of a recently heartbroken 17 year old. But there comes a time, where like an 8th Fast and Furious movie, the story must continue and it is partially for that purpose hat I am here as a 21 year old in an ongoing 3 year long distance relationship to wax poetic on the same issue. 

The Returning

Had someone told me, 4 years ago, that I would be in a relationship which has lasted 3 years and counting, I would have laughed. I, impulseprose, was not a long-term relationship kinda guy... at that point I had just failed to keep a relationship longer than 2 months. So I would not have believed you. However, let's pretend there is a Universe in which I did believe you; if you then told me that I would still be lonely despite the term of my relationship I would still have laughed. Relationships, I believed, made me happy. They were the spice of life, in lieu of Variety. And even now I cannot say I was totally wrong, back then, I can however say that nothing is ever that simple.

You see my relationships,and that with Fairytail (you remember her right? Yup, still going.) among others have made me happy. What has soured it, however, is Distance. This is a different breed of loneliness than that of my 17 year old self. This is still analagous to Hunger, but not the Hunger of a starving man but that of one who has tasted ambrosia and drunk nectar and then has to be content with the food of mere mortals.What I wanted then was sustenance, just a likkle food, enough to get by. Now I need luxury, I need the real stuff... and I need it so fucking badly. 

One may say,

But, impulseprose, isn't sustenance enough? In any event your current state is only temporary right? You'll get the real stuff or whatever soon.

And yeah, sure.  Logically it should be fine. But I am not in the situation for logic to fucking work. Because tasting perfection means that everything you consume which isn't perfection is a stab in your gut and a whisper in your ear saying "She isn't here". Just a reminder that your happiness is elsewhere. A notification, kindly informing you of the emptiness you've felt, and have been aptly avoiding, since the last time you were remotely happy. 

The old loneliness was just a hopeless spiral. This, this is different. Because there isn't just Hope, there is a kind of Certainty. The pain comes from the Distance and the Time. It's not the absence of Happiness; it's knowing you could be happy, but you aren't. This is a Prison, of sorts. A Purgatory, within which you know you cannot stay forever, but is sure as Hell feels like fucking forever.

I am a lonely man. 

Maybe that's just a defining feature. I was lonely before I had a girlfriend and I'm lonely now that I do. But I have tasted Happiness, and Love, and Belonging; I feel reminders of it every day. Because the thing about it is that I still need the food. It's no ambrosia, but I'm not starving right? So, for me at least, this loneliness is necessary.

It will end...
With Love,
-Me