Friends...

I had planned to make a post today... but not about this. But in the past few hours I've realised something about friends. But before I go into that I'll talk a bit about me and friends. You see; as far as I remember I didn't have many friends growing up. I was a quiet-temper ridden child so that doesn't really surprise me. So my whole social life started when I entered High School. This whole experience of meeting people and becoming progressively closer to them is pretty beautiful. I don't know. Not many things get me as excited as clicking with someone I never new before that moment (or one I've known for a while bet never really talked to before). It's exhilarating (to me at least). I mean even though I suck at relating to them deep down I really love people. So as a result of trying to meet as much people as possible (that's what happens when you move from none to some) I've met some pretty awesome people. They amaze me almost everyday.

Anyways, what I WAS going to talk about was my womanly woes (wait...that doesn't sound right..). You see today, that "certain petite girl" texted me today. after about 16 days of silence (before which was about 7 days of silence and before that was...) But yeah, suffice to say I was surprised as hell. So we talked. For about 15 minutes. 15 minutes. Yes, you read right. I mean yeah, exams and stuff but at least tell a nigga you going into radio silence, that's all I'm saying. Though one friend says I should stop making excuses for her (when you read this just chill zeen?) but yeah. This post was going to be about all the confusion and shit i was feeling at that time. So why did  it change??

Well. Simply: I've been talking to people. No, not people. Friends. It's amazing how deep into yourself you'll look while your friend(s) tell(s) you that your keeping up a bag of fuckery. I mean, I have this one friend who after hearing my "Woe of the Day" asks "and how does that make you feel?"

If that's not a good friend then I don't know what is.  A person who cares enough to make you be truthful about yourself, and then leaves you to make your own decisions with that truth... That is beautiful. 

Another thing is how they view you compared to how you view yourself. 

It doesn't matter what you think about yourself with them. If they think you're awesome then you're fucking awesome..... and today I realised that my I'm awesome... well to the people that matter anyways. And that's a hell of a discovery. So what if there's one girl who thinks I'm boring? They're people here who think I'm awesome...  If she can't appreciate that then I guess we weren't made to enjoy each other, and eventually I'll believe that statement as much as I can type it. 

Now with all my talk, and form my intro to this topic you should realise that friends mean too much for me to really express over this medium (or any medium... I mean I don't think they understand how much I love them... but If you're reading this and you're a friend of mine remember you're closer to me than my family... seriously). So one of the worst things from my perspective is Losing a Friend. I've lost a few actually and  in many ways. 

Firstly you have those people who you've just drifted away from. People Change. (including You). Sometimes these changes cause rifts that just happen naturally. You can't change that... so sometimes you've gotta accept it. Then you have those who you've been distanced from. This one though is really no excuse. I have a friend in Australia (Yes. Fucking Australia.... like 15 hours in time zomes from my seat Australia) and we're still friends even though my communication sucks.

So distance is no excuse. 

You have the friends you push away. Jah knows I have no idea what to say 'bout this one. But it feels horrible pushing people away especially when you know It's for foolishness. That's something you need to sort out for yourself. 

And even though there must be other ways to lose friends, this one is probably the worst. Finally. Death. And yeah I've been there too. Permanent Loss is the worst part of it. Knowing you won't be able to make up for all the shit you did, run another joke, enjoy some foolishness y'all did... knowing that someone who was a part of your life isn't there anymore. Forever. That is Grief. And we probably have all felt that or will in our lifetime. I know our parents have dealt with it too many times in their lives, and their parents before them.... so I guess we're all destined to lose a friend.

So I urge you. Enjoy your friends. Learn from them, Teach them, Do Foolishness Together, Grow Together, Be Honest, and most importantly Be Yourselves Together. (though if you have to pretend around your friends you're in a truly dark place and probably only divine intervention can intervene on your behalf). 

-Me

Pathetic...

pa·thet·ic  /pəˈTHetik/ 

adj. Arousing pity, esp. through vulnerability or sadness. Miserably inadequate.

I've been confronted with that feeling a lot these days, months..... actually for a pretty long time.  But seriously though: What Is Pathetic? 

As in What Defines It? Like why do we feel pathetic when we need someone or miss someone or won't let go of someone? Why is it that showing any amount of attachment or vulnerability "arouses pity" or is "miserably inadequate"? Since when have we embraced this whole "a man is an island" mentality where if one can't exist in solitude then he isn't "adequate". Most mistakes can be laughed at (like me putting nutmeg in my sausage this morning) but once it becomes an emotional issue that whole pathetic feeling comes along.

I won't lie. Pathetic took me by surprise today (which is why I'm writing this). So I come out of the exam of the Wretched Subject, I didn't do too well but I was laughing that off. Then I see Her. Now if you read my Introductions you should remember me talking about a "certain petite girl"... well yeah, Her. Now for whatever reason when we broke up (of course my fault, thus my lingering attachment) she gave me hope. [Now if you're a girl and you're reading this i beg of you; If you have to break up with somebody for whatever reason, don't give him hope. Something can happen in the future and you get back together, but don't give him hope directly following the break off, that shit does crazy shit to you're head. CHUS MI.] Anyways. so after giving me Hope she ignores me for about 2 weeks (which just dawned on me on Sunday). So yeah I'm in a pretty good mood after kinda passing that exam and then I see Her. Vybes Cut. Immediately. Then I realised that the vybes cut, then that pathetic feeling comes in. 

That thought that completely demotivates you. Reminding you of the mistakes, the inadequacies, the downright idiot that you are. The feeling of self Pity. Questioning your worth,strangling the little Self Esteem we can gather as people. Pathetic isn't a good feeling. But is it a bad feeling? 

Sometimes I feel we have a little inner masochist. Like somewhere inside of us actually likes being tortured. Probably it's not normal but we develop about the same time we develop convenience I think. So when something horrible happens we internalize it instead of expressing it like we were made to (though I can't really say anything about that since I'm piled Mile High on the inside). But I'm sure that all the negativity and heartbreak and anger and depression and sadness and neediness and longing and love and all that shit we decide to hole up on the inside, torturing ourselves and feeding that little masochist all for the sake of Convenience, isn't worth it. We'd like to think that we're saving ourselves from hurt, but we're hurting ourselves in the process (and however you think about that; it's dumb) 

And about the feeling itself I have the nagging feeling that it evolved from an emotion that we need(ed). Something which used to motivate us to learn from our mistakes and make ourselves better people. We just turned it into a device of torture. Where we remind ourselves of our shit without actually cleaning it up.  

Somewhat hilariously that pathetic feeling is still gripping me.. But yeah. Just a few thoughts. 

-Me

Loneliness...

OK.. so let's let this be a little thought experiment. of course you can't input directly so it's a bit one-sided and my thoughts will have to suffice for the whole argument. But yeah. The One man Thought Experiment. (I'll use the word "You" alot.. disregard it.. I don't even know anything about you...)

There is no Love in the Home. The damn routine, meaningless conversations, the parental monologue, the seclusion. It's the story of my Life really... not that I wasn't Loved; I'm sure i was. But I never really felt it. I was kind of a prisoner in my own house... the feeling of separation: the Me and the Them... I feel Alone. I hate it... School is a bit different. I love the people.. Different people, with opinions, quirks, hobbies, passions, personalities, experiences, beginnings  aspirations... They appeal to me. So there's a sort of happiness here.. but in the end people have their own lives, and aren't as easily attached as I am. They actually love their homes. Or they can't be here forever right?? Some have matriculated to other things. I miss them. And the ones that are going to leave. I will miss them. Others have just Graduated from me particularly. I miss them too. I guess out here at least I feel happy. But still a bredren/sistren is gonna have to spend a little time with a significant other (no prob with that)... or spend some time with some other non-mutual friends (no prob with that)... or deal with some business(no prob with that).. or............................ Well of course I have things to do too right? Why not just have a woman for yourself (weeeeeeeellll >_> ), make some other friends, have business to deal with?? In the end my experiences feel so different I'm alienated.. or I may even be alienating everybody else. Who knows?? So here I am, Alone again. walking the school campus. Aimlessly. Till i have to go Home. Of course there was a time when I did have someone to walk  aimlessly with.. but those thing end too, I'm saddened to say..(and experiencing a contrasting situation actually makes the emptiness more profound) But yeah. Going Home. Never Fun. Back to the room or the corner (anywhere with the computer really) and an attempted escape from the Aloneness...... The Internet is a strange place. A place where paradoxes are made possible. The analogy of one being in a crowd but still being Lonely? Well that crowd is the Internet. Where you can share an experience with millions of people worldwide without sharing an experience with a fucking soul. There's no better place to be lonely really. A place that gives the illusion of a kind of togetherness... So you tend to hang on to every one of those snips of togetherness. Every message, mention, DM, friend request, follow, like, share, retweet; they now have a greater sentimental value. You start to seek them. Wait for them. Worry when they don't come. But it's only fake interaction, so it digs a deeper pit than was there originally (unless you somehow make a meaningful relationship with someone beyond for a few lulz and notifications) So you take that same "thirst"(haha many types of that around here..) into youre everyday life. Conversations get harder, though response becomes a bit more vital. It legitimately becomes harder to interact with people... But if you're like me you never really were good at that part any ways....

Ok.. I think I've goen far enough with that.. (and some of the points are already in there).. but yeah. Have you ever been legitimately hungry?? Like big-man-ting hungry, white scawl, "RAAWW"  hungry?? well if you have (or haven't) I can assure you that food was (or would be) the ONLY thing on your mind. Loneliness is kinda like that. We all have a need for some amount of human companionship (some more or less than others.. but its there) and human companionship on different levels (family, friends, more-than-friends,lovers and it goes on). So without it we start to get hungry.

So what happens then?? 1. It starts to affect your thoughts. You start realising how other people seem to be happier or better off than you are (may or may not be the case). That "Single" effect where all you see are happy couples, seemingly because you are single.  May even cause you to pull away from others more. 2. It affects your actions. Like hunger you start to think you'll take the food from wherever it comes from. You basically feel that you'll do anything to get out of the Loneliness hole... This is when Shit Gets Real.

Ever wondered why Teenage Relationships are in such disarray (or at least one of the reasons... I have a friend with really good thoughts on teenage r/ships) It's because of the desperation. You feel so in NEED of the relationships that you don't even take the time to form it properly. Then it crumbles.. and you curl into a tighter ball, with more loneliness, more desperation, more heartbreak. And a viscous soul devouring cycle begins........... However;

There Is A Cure

And that is Self Love. (Now I may not be the best person to talk about that, but bear with me) If we loved ourselves a little bit more, we wouldn't be so afraid of being alone. We would actually make sure our relationships were meaningful, we wouldn't allow so much shit to walk gaily through our lives. We wouldn't allow our self esteem to be affected by every adolescent wind that blows our way. A lot of things wouldn't happen. So how does one learn to love one's self............... haha.. Hilariously enough.. I don't think it can be done alone.

-Me

Math

So most people hate math or are afraid of it. And there's nothing wrong with that (actually I wish a few more people were afraid of it so my damn math class wouldn't be so big -_-)  But yeah I, admittedly, like math. Math, unlike most things in life, works out... probably not immediately, but in the end they always do. I guess I find some solace in that.. Plus apart from that philosophical view; I'm naturally good at it. Though I have a somewhat bad relationship with arithmetic (adding, subtracting, multiplying, dividing, counting) my logistics are pretty nice. And I like that feeling of finding something out, especially when it's challenging (same reason why I ADORE programming) so yeah I Like Math.

But here's the problem: I have an external math exam on Tuesday (its Saturday now btw unless I'm mistaken) and I'm here writing a blog post about me not preparing for that exam. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO PRACTICE SOMETHING YOU'RE GOOD AT??? It's like, I'm here with 10 yrs of past papers and my mind is like "meh it's MATH.... I'll just listen to music and talk to [insert girl's name(s) here]" and it's slowly pissing me off... at myself.

I mean I know that I'm nowhere near prepared for that exam (joint responsibility for that.. my teachers never finished that syllabus >__>) but yeah practice is something that can disregard all that. And I'm still here writing about not studying for it.....

Now For The Life Lesson Thing......

Its funny how knowing that you should do something is literally no guarantee that you'll actually do it. It's like this whole Christian Life (which I'm monumentally bad at in my own way... we all have our own way of being bad at Christianity); We all know exactly how we should act, behave, relate to people; and many times we don't even try. A disgrace really... 

And if you're not a Christian or religious in any way; still applies to you. You (we all) know your (our) responsibilities.But we actively shirk them anyways. 

And in the end ("the end" here applying to every situation... so having very far reaching implications for that christian life section I mentioned above) we are the ones who suffer for our active decision to disregard these duties, responsibilities, morals etc. 

So think about that for a bit.... while I try to prepare for that damn Math Test.

-Me

Introductions......

Well if you're here you'll probably learn a lot about me or know a lot about me from before.... but I wanted to introduce myself all the same...

Well.. I'm weird (or at least i want to think so), I'm somewhat above average intelligence, I'm sentimental as fuck, I'm talented and I'm about as good at relationships as the average rock... (of course that could be seen as enough info... but meh.. I'll continue typing till i feel this is long enough )

I'm weird. I'm the science student who's an artist.. there is no way you can do both of those and have any sense of normalcy. Art requires individuality or its not art.... (going off on a tangent here) My beliefs on Art make up a big portion of my Myself-ness.. or Eccentricity.. or whatever. So yeah Art requires idiosyncrasy.... and Sciences just drive you mad.... Seriously.  And I take pride in my weirdness... It's one of my favourite traits.. and I hope I can maintain it forever.

Intelligence. I don't really know what to say about this. I mean I've always been a smart person... called even a "genius" by one or two friends.... So yeah, I'm smart... (I appreciate stuff.... like math >__>) But I seriously think this has impeded me from a lot of things... Do you know how many thoughts goes through this head.. (I mean "normal" people can over think) Not to mention the faith and expectations people have in and for you..... Its Crushing(especially when you have no ambition like myself). Believe Me.

Sentimental as fuck:: Self Explanatory?? well probably not. The hilarious thing about this is that my demeanour is one of nonchalance and a bag of other apathy-related pseudo-emotions. I'm weak. But I've developed a kind of strength in this weakness... I call it the Strength of a Sponge. You can throw shit at sponges, Throw sponges at shit, stab sponges with shit, kick them around...  they don't business.. The only things that hurt the sponge is something that holds it.. thus my point..... Only those who have held me in their hands can(could) tear/break me. And when they chose to rip (which they all have done... believe it or not) all that apathy is disposed of... IMMEDIATELY. ...

Talent. Well I'm a Writer, Poet, Graphic Designer, Artist, Actor  Musician, Manga aficionado and Relationship Shegger. Truly a lot to to talk  about. I'll talk about it later one  day.

As good at relationships as the average rock.......... I meet wonderful women... often.. beautiful, intelligent, personality rich, sense of music, originality .... Shegg it up every time ..  friendships too... I just suck at people on a whole....... Though a few of them stand out..but most crash and burn. And hilariously enough i get attached easily.. >__> ... so there's a certain petite girl here who's done a wonderful job of ignoring me even though i want her more than a should.... seeing as i screwed that up already.. and no.. not that type of screw either >__>

But  yeah that was a little Introduction

-Me