So with that behind us, welcome back to impulseprose, all the rambling of a podcast but in sweet, sweet Arial (which reminds me... it's about time I redesign this blog, it's 2018). Also, Happy "New" Year, and to celebrate this, another completed revolution around the great nuclear reaction in the sky, we'll be talking about something which I think is very relevant to the beginning of anything, really; Fear.
So unless your name is Fairytale (on this blog at least) this may come as a surprise to you, but I''m afraid of a lot of shit. Typically most people seem to think I don't give a fuck, which is kinda accurate. However, right under the pile of fucks I withhold from the world is just a shit tonne of fear. So I've been thinking about how to structure this, and I feel it can only truly be done as listicle of sorts. So here are the TOP 5 THINGS I FEAR (YOU WON'T BELIEVE #4) with the caveat of me not knowing whether or not I'll be listing 5 things or what number 4 will be. We'll start it off with an oldie-but-goodie.
I'm Afraid of Cockroaches
This isn't a surprise at all. I've been alluding to, making jokes about, telling people about and justifying my fear of cockroaches for years. Most of you probably even know the story of how this fear came about. However there are some things about this I don't think I've ever really tried to convey.
Firstly is the sheer magnitude of my dread surrounding cockroaches. I am deeply uncomfortable just writing this segment, but it's also probably the most inconsequential one so it's a good start. Cockroaches don't elicit a fight or flight response in me. I legitimately freeze. I then forever live in constant anxiety, dread and terror as the fucking spawn of Satan disappears and reappears. It's basically like the scene from The Magicians where they encounter The Beast for the first time (which is probably not the best literary reference, however I do strongly recommend The Magicians. It's lit.) But the most important thing here is that I do nothing, and I feel like there is nothing I can do.
Secondly is my awareness of just how stupid my fear of cockroaches is. A fear of cockroaches, regardless of its cause, is baseless and illogical. Disgust is a decent response. It's 100% fine for me to be repulsed by cockroaches. But the fear, that's just plain stupid, and yet...
I'm Afraid of Men
This is kind of strange, I think. I am, for those of you who are unaware, a man myself, so it seems like a fear of men is either, like, weird or ultimately indicative of some kind of self hatred or something? However, looking back through most of my social interactions I can confirm there is a deep fear of masculinity throughout most of my life.
Now, I'll talk a bit about how I think this came about. Firstly, I've never really been traditionally masculine. From my youth I was overtly emotional (in the form of temper tantrums in my childhood), never really liked sports or cars most of that typical little boy shit. Now I'm not saying these things are inherently masculine, just that that was what most of my peers would consider "boy stuff" and I was shit at "boy stuff". I also never really went through that phase of boy/girl separation, and so for most of my childhood I could, like, identify with my female peers more than their male counterparts. And that has followed me throughout my life to this point.
So going through preparatory and high school around mostly girls (typically had a small group of male friends then was friends/acquaintances with like just.. all the girls who would talk to me.) I became increasingly uncomfortable with male company outside of my friend group. Now this may sound like I'm blowing this out of proportion by calling it a "fear", but this it more fear than my intense disgust of cockroaches. Like, I basically avoided members of my household when I lived on campus, because I don't know how to talk to guys, I have an intense anxiety every time I go to work partially because I'm sitting right in-front of my [male] boss and I'm even still kinda uncomfortable around Fairytale's male friends... after knowing them for 4 years (It's horrible). So, yeah. I think this qualifies.
Side note: I think a result of my... negative bias against males is a pretty strong implicit bias towards females, which when paired with my naïveté, means that I actually can't be impartial in any matter involving like gender relations... because I'm smart enough to somehow justify my eventual siding with the female half of the argument. Implicit biases aren't good, so at least try to identify your own implicit biases so you can account for them, lest they govern your judgment from the shadows.
But I'm done with school.
So as a result of this, here I am in a job I kind of hate, with no prospects of finding a new one (because I haven't looked). Each time Fairytale and I talk about our futures (which will become our Future) I become panicked and clueless and generally frustrating to deal with as I make feeble attempts to give any meaningful answers. (again.. I'm so sorry)
And an additional fear which is intrinsically tied to this: I fear I will basically destroy my possible future by failing to take proper steps to reach it. So... yeah.
I am, I think, an ambivert.
But, in general, I find myself particularly socially inept, not because I lack charisma, but because I feel like I don't really understand people, and as clichés go people fear that which they don't understand. I don't know if I miss social cues or if there is some generally accepted behaviour that I am unaware of, and that tends to lead to a kind of social stress which I think most people have felt, but I feel it constantly... Um, as I said, this one may be a bit of a stretch, but let's get an example.
So when I was conceptualizing this post, this was one of the first ones that came to mind because of a certain situation I was facing at the time. So here's the scene: I'm living with my aunt currently, and at this particular time, I was really hungry. Like really hungry, but I was actually afraid of getting up and making something to eat because my aunt had offered me food some hours before and I was worried that making food, at that moment, would have been offensive. Looking back at it, it's amazing how afraid I was, when my aunt was probably more worried that I hadn't eaten yet. If Fairytale didn't convince me to get off my ass it is very likely I would have gone to be hungry that night for no goddamned reason. So yeah, it makes no sense, but making sense isn't exactly something fear takes particularly seriously.
In closing: I'm a pussy. But as the saying goes: You are what you eat.
Hope your year's been good so far and best wishes for the rest of it,
Me
Now, I'll talk a bit about how I think this came about. Firstly, I've never really been traditionally masculine. From my youth I was overtly emotional (in the form of temper tantrums in my childhood), never really liked sports or cars most of that typical little boy shit. Now I'm not saying these things are inherently masculine, just that that was what most of my peers would consider "boy stuff" and I was shit at "boy stuff". I also never really went through that phase of boy/girl separation, and so for most of my childhood I could, like, identify with my female peers more than their male counterparts. And that has followed me throughout my life to this point.
So going through preparatory and high school around mostly girls (typically had a small group of male friends then was friends/acquaintances with like just.. all the girls who would talk to me.) I became increasingly uncomfortable with male company outside of my friend group. Now this may sound like I'm blowing this out of proportion by calling it a "fear", but this it more fear than my intense disgust of cockroaches. Like, I basically avoided members of my household when I lived on campus, because I don't know how to talk to guys, I have an intense anxiety every time I go to work partially because I'm sitting right in-front of my [male] boss and I'm even still kinda uncomfortable around Fairytale's male friends... after knowing them for 4 years (It's horrible). So, yeah. I think this qualifies.
Side note: I think a result of my... negative bias against males is a pretty strong implicit bias towards females, which when paired with my naïveté, means that I actually can't be impartial in any matter involving like gender relations... because I'm smart enough to somehow justify my eventual siding with the female half of the argument. Implicit biases aren't good, so at least try to identify your own implicit biases so you can account for them, lest they govern your judgment from the shadows.
I'm Afraid of the Future
Or, more accurately, I'm afraid of the uncertainty of the future. Fairytale, deals with this particular one way too much, and I'm so sorry. I think I stated in one of my poems (when I wrote that shit) the concept of the "Continual Present".Or the Flow of Time.And this really sums up my attitude towards time. I try not to dwell on the past (as acknowledged by its absence in a verse about the flow of time), I think about my present, and I hope I don't have to think about the Future, and for much of my life I didn't have to, because my future consisted of more school.
Though I am skeptical of the Future.
As I see more Now, and a Hope that Now continues.
And in this Continual Present,
- Aevum, Me
But I'm done with school.
So as a result of this, here I am in a job I kind of hate, with no prospects of finding a new one (because I haven't looked). Each time Fairytale and I talk about our futures (which will become our Future) I become panicked and clueless and generally frustrating to deal with as I make feeble attempts to give any meaningful answers. (again.. I'm so sorry)
And an additional fear which is intrinsically tied to this: I fear I will basically destroy my possible future by failing to take proper steps to reach it. So... yeah.
I'm Afraid of, like, People? I guess?
This one is probably the most nebulous, even to me. Especially because part of my whole... I don't know, persona is that I don't give a fuck what people think about me. I would want that to be true of me, but most of the time it isn't.I am, I think, an ambivert.
However, instead of like a balance I'm more of like a bipolivert because I basically am either a complete recluse or a functioning member of society, with few intermediates between those two extremes.ambivertˈambɪvəːt/noun: ambivert; plural noun: ambiverts
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| Ummm... Lil Bipoli Vert? I don't know.I felt I needed a Lil Uzi Vert joke here somewhere.. |
So when I was conceptualizing this post, this was one of the first ones that came to mind because of a certain situation I was facing at the time. So here's the scene: I'm living with my aunt currently, and at this particular time, I was really hungry. Like really hungry, but I was actually afraid of getting up and making something to eat because my aunt had offered me food some hours before and I was worried that making food, at that moment, would have been offensive. Looking back at it, it's amazing how afraid I was, when my aunt was probably more worried that I hadn't eaten yet. If Fairytale didn't convince me to get off my ass it is very likely I would have gone to be hungry that night for no goddamned reason. So yeah, it makes no sense, but making sense isn't exactly something fear takes particularly seriously.
And finally...
So I made it to 4 things, and I'm sure there are a lot of other things I could list (conflict, loss, my own inadequacy, driving) and I could drop another to meet my arbitrary count of 5, but there's not much else to talk about. My final point is always where I try to link my self-centred ramblings to you, the reader. Now, it's very likely that I don't know your fears. I don't know how they started or how they manifest themselves, or how you've dealt with them. But all I can honestly give you is the most cliché piece of fucking advice possible: Don't let fear rule your life. I can honestly say that I've allowed it to happen far too much in my own life, and something has to be done about that, or I risk my fears becoming reality. So as usual, my message boils down to: "Heya Kids, don't be me"In closing: I'm a pussy. But as the saying goes: You are what you eat.
Hope your year's been good so far and best wishes for the rest of it,
Me
