One of my favourite movies is "Watchmen" which is based on a graphic novel of the same name. It starts with the murder of a character we will find out is essential to the understanding of the world in which the movie is set. As he fights a losing battle, to "Unforgettable" as background music, his last words are "It's all a Joke", before his assailant throws him through the window of his condo... The event is scribed into Rorschach's Journal, after a short rant on the filth of human nature: "Tonight, a Comedian died in New York."
Memento Mori. "Remember, You Will Die."
Well today my cousin died.
Now I won't lie about it. That isn't the reason my mood has taken a turn for the worse... because when I came home and my mother casually says to me "Oh, You remember Ramon was in the hospital.. well.. He's gone," as she went up the stairs; I wasn't even stirred. He wasn't a particularly close cousin, I have no real memories with him, so yeah. I don't know if that makes me a cold bastard, but it's the truth. However, I guess it really did hit me later. My mood nosedived when I actually got the chance to sit down, and relax...
I was having all kinds of light hearted conversation too. Then it Hit Me.
Yup... 10:38 pm. It hit me. Well, THEY hit me.. Two things in particular:
1. I was guilty. I'm not supposed to be so alright after this. I should feel loss or something. Isn't that the human response to these situations. Loss, Remorse... and I felt even worse was that I was trying to justify my lack of reaction. "He died because of his own decisions", "You weren't all that close".. thoughts like those entered my mind pretty quickly, and as usual they didn't help, at all.
2. Death is all too close to everybody. It's just there, lurking... ready to break down our doors, and have us fight in vain, hoping that at least we'll be Unforgettable to at least one person. Praying that "It's all a Joke...". Hoping that we'll have a smile on our face, before we hit the pavement.
And with the Memento Mori there comes a certain fear. Before I go on, I don't think I'm afraid of death as much as the method... but as I was talking to some friends of mine it dawned on me; the reason I was afraid. I don't know how I would react if something happened to my friends.
I've lost a friend before... except we weren't all that close.. as in.. we'd just started talking. Then her life was stolen from her. And on that day... I WAS PISSED (to say the least) but I wasn't giving full vent to my anger... But Anger is a strange thing. I inadvertently punched a metal tank at school. It echoed. I almost broke 3 knuckles... But most surprising were comments of people after I had calmed down... apparently, I, the cool, funny guy, was scary. I guess it could be summed up simply.
As I said... if anything was to happen to any of my friends right now.... I have no idea what would happen. Though I have two theories. I'd either explode and end up killing something, or I'd shut down indefinitely. And from my perspective they are equally frightening outcomes. But the fact remains.
I'm Scared.
So... Scared.
I'm scared because as much as I claim to care about them some of them care about me more.
I'm scared because even the ones who aren't "good people" are some of the best I've ever met.
I'm scared because as much as I think they need me, I DEFINATELY need them more.
I'm scared because I haven't even confronted my problem with my parents yet.
I'm scared because of all he laughs, the memories, the shit, the good times, the bad times, the idling.
I'm scared because it's.. "you guys" and you all are irreplaceable (As if I would even try.)
Even though It's obvious we'll all die eventually...
But for My sake.. please.. just.. don't.
RIP Ramon.
-Me
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