Continued Self-Awareness

Hey there! I'm writing again, and as I mentioned last time, my life still isn't falling apart. I'm fine. This post isn't necessarily another cry for help or a blind rant in search of catharsis, it's more a... discussion. Of course, it's a one way discussion, but most of you know me, so I don't know, if for whatever reason you feel you just have to reply, feel free to do so. Hit me up on Twitter,Telegram, um.. by smoke signal?  I don't know where else you could find me, but yeah. Do that, and I'd be glad to talk about whatever. That was a bigger diversion than it should have been, but this whole thing is meant to be stream of consciousness.. that's why it's called impulseprose.

So as most of you are aware, this blog has changed a great deal since its pathetic, but necessary beginnings. I was actually talking to a friend about this today (formerly known as Kohai, but that's no longer an accurate descriptor so let's refer to her as the Wayward Genius, Wayward to her friends.) As I was saying to Wayward, I think the defining feature of this blog has always been, to some degree, that it is an exercise in self awareness. It is, and has been, a tool to document and work through facets of my being that I have realised by just putting them out there. Not really to say "Look at me" but just for it to exist, I guess. So that I can go back to it, and that those I care about, who have helped me to come to these realisations in the first place can watch and see for themselves. That they can look on for a moment and say proudly, "Well... At least him know seh him fool".

So, with that in mind, I think it makes sense that I run into this theme headfirst. So far I've been stumbling into self awareness. I've come across morsels of understanding, just going through life, which I guess is just how life works. So by that metric I've been doing a decent job, but since I've been, unknowingly, on this journey of the Self for so long, I think it's time I take it seriously. It's about time I spend time actively looking into myself to dig out these truths. I mean, realistically, maybe some of them will turn up to be flowery bullshit that I've conjured up and convinced myself is true, but other stuff will be real and those understandings of myself will help me to be a better me. I can capitalize on my strengths and learn to work around my weaknesses and all that self improvement stuff (or I could do nothing about either, but you know. Optimism is nice sometimes.)

But, dear reader, what does that mean for you? 

I actually have no idea

But seriously, it could mean more posts on the blog. Which, really, is a bit of a double edged sword. On one hand some of you will actually hear from me, which is nice; but on the other hand it'll just be more ranting about myself. So, tl;dr if what you want is more of this rambly nonsense, then sure. You're Welcome. Otherwise, I deeply apologize. 

Now the funny thing about this is that all I've said up to this point was really supposed to be an introduction, but it became somewhat of an announcement didn't it. Sooo what that means is that there will be another post shortly after this one (though I won't specify shortly on what scale), but I actually have like 2 blog post worthy ideas (so... just ideas really) so I look forward to wasting a bit more of your time in the coming weeks. 

I'm making no promises. 

Hopefully, 

Me.

On Aging and 22nd Birthdays

Unlike a father who went out for cigarettes, I have returned. I felt today deserved a blog post, because recently I've only written when I'm going through some deep, depressing shit. But, it truly is important to write on good days too. Because, for my hypothetical fans, it's important to note:

I have good days too.

 So with that out of the way. I'll ramble through my declaration of intent disguised as a title in reverse order.

On 22nd Birthdays

As a friend put it, "Welcome to the the early 20's". So to be honest it was an uneventful day to any average person. I checked on some stuff for graduation, I met with a friend (who may or may not be reading this?) and I bought cake and ice-cream. So with that I can say this has been my best birthday in recent memory, which is pretty pathetic in a way, but you know, it's ok; because I suck at birthdays. The fact that I didn't just stay home and reduce myself to a well simmered stew of self pity is an accomplishment, so I will focus on that. I had a good day, even if it was pretty mundane.

On Aging

So here's where (hopefully) I can start talking about interesting concepts and idea, cool? Aging has been kind of on my mind, recently, not because of my upcoming birthday but because of two things. Firstly, I've been living with my aunt for the past few months and my grandfather, who is 92, has visited a few times for checkups and the like. My grandfather is in pretty good shape for a 92 year old, he's physically active, he's still pretty sharp mentally, the only thing is his memory, which tends to fade with age. So really, it's a blessing that my grandfather is in the shape he's in, but it still kinda stings that he doesn't seem to remember me.

I legit spent a good 20 mins talking to my grandfather, trying to remind him I'm his grandson, to no degree of success.

— Michael. (@mikexcelsior) October 24, 2017

So that kinda sucks. Secondly recently two of my favourite youtube creators; Kurzgesagt and CGP Grey (highly recommended btw), collaborated to talk about this very subject: Aging by the former and it's close partner Death by the latter.

Aging has been a part of life since there has been life. We know what causes it, every now and then we discover some organisms that can disregard it, and 24/7 makeup companies talk about how they can combat it. But in a way the great zig-zag line of human progress has turned out to be a fight against aging. We live longer and healthier than ever before, we've developed amazing medical discoveries and advancement but most of our medical resources go to the long-lived, because the taxman cometh.

I don't really have a point to make here. Like if we somehow made amazing serum which would make me impervious to the deterioration that comes with age would I take it? I don't know. I'm basically in the prime years of my life and I spend most of that time sitting, playing League of Legends. So like, does having a countdown timer on "health" make it worth more? Would it be right to remove that from the human race if we could? Will my grandfather remember me?

Find out next time...

Loneliness II: The Returning

Context

Loneliness was the 3rd post I made on this lowly blog,way back in the distant past of 2013. It was a simpler time: Obama was POTUS, I had just lost a girlfriend who seemed important to me then but would soon prove to be largely insignificant, my future still involved school and, somehow, Vybz Kartel wasn't yet in prison (oh, how time has soiled us all).However, back then, 4 years ago, I wrote Loneliness; a thesis of sorts in which I detailed my feelings of loneliness from the perspective of a recently heartbroken 17 year old. But there comes a time, where like an 8th Fast and Furious movie, the story must continue and it is partially for that purpose hat I am here as a 21 year old in an ongoing 3 year long distance relationship to wax poetic on the same issue. 

The Returning

Had someone told me, 4 years ago, that I would be in a relationship which has lasted 3 years and counting, I would have laughed. I, impulseprose, was not a long-term relationship kinda guy... at that point I had just failed to keep a relationship longer than 2 months. So I would not have believed you. However, let's pretend there is a Universe in which I did believe you; if you then told me that I would still be lonely despite the term of my relationship I would still have laughed. Relationships, I believed, made me happy. They were the spice of life, in lieu of Variety. And even now I cannot say I was totally wrong, back then, I can however say that nothing is ever that simple.

You see my relationships,and that with Fairytail (you remember her right? Yup, still going.) among others have made me happy. What has soured it, however, is Distance. This is a different breed of loneliness than that of my 17 year old self. This is still analagous to Hunger, but not the Hunger of a starving man but that of one who has tasted ambrosia and drunk nectar and then has to be content with the food of mere mortals.What I wanted then was sustenance, just a likkle food, enough to get by. Now I need luxury, I need the real stuff... and I need it so fucking badly. 

One may say,

But, impulseprose, isn't sustenance enough? In any event your current state is only temporary right? You'll get the real stuff or whatever soon.

And yeah, sure.  Logically it should be fine. But I am not in the situation for logic to fucking work. Because tasting perfection means that everything you consume which isn't perfection is a stab in your gut and a whisper in your ear saying "She isn't here". Just a reminder that your happiness is elsewhere. A notification, kindly informing you of the emptiness you've felt, and have been aptly avoiding, since the last time you were remotely happy. 

The old loneliness was just a hopeless spiral. This, this is different. Because there isn't just Hope, there is a kind of Certainty. The pain comes from the Distance and the Time. It's not the absence of Happiness; it's knowing you could be happy, but you aren't. This is a Prison, of sorts. A Purgatory, within which you know you cannot stay forever, but is sure as Hell feels like fucking forever.

I am a lonely man. 

Maybe that's just a defining feature. I was lonely before I had a girlfriend and I'm lonely now that I do. But I have tasted Happiness, and Love, and Belonging; I feel reminders of it every day. Because the thing about it is that I still need the food. It's no ambrosia, but I'm not starving right? So, for me at least, this loneliness is necessary.

It will end...
With Love,
-Me 

I Am Not Good At This...

So I'm not apologizing for not writing in so long because, well, quite frankly no-one cares... Well, that's not true, but I'm still not apologizing. Mainly because she doesn't want any apologies from me at this time. So... the last time you heard from me, impulseprose, was on Fairytale's birthday. So at least it was a happy occasion, and I'm grateful for that. This, however, is not a happy occasion.

When I introduced myself to you, impulseprose, I mentioned that I was a "Relationship Shegger". That, as far as I know, has not changed. I still continue to tear down all the relationships I have build, no matter how invincible I had though them to be... which is why I am afraid, and why I'm writing this right now. I'm afraid that I'm well on the path to destroying my relationship with Fairytale... and I don't know if I can survive that happening. That, impulseprose, would be the heartbreak that kills me, or worse.

Simply put: I am not good at this.

The distance has escalated from the last time we spoke. Moving from 1 hour and 45 mins by bus to about 8 hours by plane. So, in response, I have gotten better at none of the things that made the distance particularly hard last year. I communicate like shit, impulseprose... like fucking shit. Nothing I do works. Which isn't helped by the orientation process where I feel inclined to doing as much as possible and then some. So again I'm drowning myself in work while she is alone ... I'm just the worst possible fucking piece of UGH, that she could've chosen as her boyfriend. And she's continued to choose me, and forgive me... and I still do the same shit.

I am not good at this.

"I love you" and "I'm sorry" are probably the two most common phrases I say to her... and tonight she accepted neither of them. I'm afraid. I try not to think about negative stuff these days because I have the tendency to just wallow in self-hatred... but maybe I need some wallowing now... if anything for practice.. Because I'm afraid that this is the beginning of the end of us.  I don't want it to be, but I'm too bad at this for it to be sustainable. I can't ask her to forgive me of all my transgressions, she's only one person.

I am not good at this.

But I love her.
But that doesn't seem to be enough right now.
-Me

A Tale of an Appropriate Misnomer

Hello again, impulseprose. I have not forgotten you and I guess, I had to wish you Happy New Year somehow, even if it's the 6th, at least it's still January. Though I guess I must say, I never came here to do that, because well, I don't know, but I came here because today, my dear handful of readers, is FairyTail's  birthday.

So this blog, you see, was founded for one simple reason. I needed to rant. I have continued that rend and it is that culture which has led to the undisciplined, inconsistent and rather lazy outlook on posting here. I only come here, you see, when I want to rant (whether or not I'm able to do so). Now, the subject of my rants have been different and have changed as I have changed(?) and highlight my so-called troubles, my highs, my lows, my fickle cries for attention and my ever-present but illusive thoughts. It started however, with a breakup. A relationship which was really, really bad and benefited no-one and is now really just a giant scar, as it were, on my last years of high school. The ranting, for which, led to the only thing which has remained constant on this blog: Giving people nicknames.

So it started with A certain petite girl, which is probably a very fitting and nonspecific name which in a way, I believe, made getting over her, the aim of this blog at the time I must add, not so much a task. It didn't glorify her in any way, she was nothing, in the confines of this blog, but a certain petite girl, and eventually I realised.

I guess you see where I'll be going soon enough, but bear with me, this isn't creative writing, if I'm gonna be predictable then boo-hoo, cry me a river, [insert other "I careth not" cliche here].

So I made a lot of mention of  "certain friend" in my earlier posts (I am literally reading through all my posts and tracking the development of my pseudonyms) who would eventually be called mandevillegirl who for the love of all things beautiful and just is an AMAZING person who probably helped more than anyone through the whole petite girl phase. I respect few people more, and as shitty as I am as a friend she pretty much doesn't seem to care much. Always one to "Hi, Mike :)" and share insight or a few jokes, cheers me up even though at any given time she's probably not doing as well as I am, which makes me wonder if I've ever helped her >__> I dont know.

Actually, You the #1 Boss mandevillegirl

Next was a certain kohai, -kohai, as you may or may not know is a japanese honorific which refers to anyone at a lower stage in an establishment, the opposite, then of the more popular -sempai honorific, basically, in this case, it meant underclassman. AKA a certain former jailbait  in another post, so named because she had come to sixth form before the age of consent (which is 16 in Jamaica). This girl was the friend I needed in Upper Six, even though the was a Lower Sixer. The little enjoyment I got from my last year at that freaking school was because of her, and I'm eternally grateful. Eternally. 

Another awesome individual, however the names, still plain, still pretty basic. Though, mandevillegirl is indeed her blog's name, so not my given pseudonym, so there was the "a certain [descriptor]" nomenclature seen here. 

Then came FairyTail, so named because in a conversation we had early in our pre-relationship talkings about manga, she said the only one she ever read/liked was FairyTail. That's the story. But the name is so different it's ridiculously uncharacteristic looking at the others. From a certain petite girl to fairytail the difference between my mind going into a relationship and my mind coming out of one?  Probably. But 9-almost-10-months later it still seems pretty different so probably not it. 

The thing with this name though is that for all intents and purposes, it's a badly chosen name. It has a good feel you see, but Fairytail, as it were, doesn't like princesses. 

I do Japanese in school and tasked my self with finding a japanese nickname for Fairytail because I'm still adorable like that. So after some research I found myself somewhat enamoured with the -hime honourific. -Hime is an honourific/name suffix that would be given to a daiymo or shogun's daughter in feudal Japan, in essence, it's only translation in western society is princess. It works really good with the whole Fairytail rhetoric we have going on here. Plus it's the only one I knew, so it was easy. Till I told her about it. Her response?

"Princess? Bleh...."

"Nah"

"Ewww...haha..."

"Anything but the Princess one babe"

And you see the trend. I guess it works out for the best because in hindsight... what was I thinking v__v. But looking at it now, I cant make any Fairytail jokes. I mean unless she were to be Prince Charming (which when I think about it, she was the one who took my number... but then that would make me.. nope.. no.) So I guess, it just ends as a name, on my blog. 

But, in a way, we've been in each others' lives for about 11 months now almost 10 of which we've been in a relationship, which I must add must be due to some form of witchcraft for me. So in some way the name rings a bit true. We all know "Happily Ever After" isn't a thing, so I guess it's my task for the story to just not finish.

Wishing you a Happy Birthday, Fairytail. Continue your fair tale, and I shall aspire to fill your pages with happiness, and in lieu of that, apology. 

-Me

"On Grief." may be written soon enough, but till then...

I never knew her story.

Only the ending, really,

But the genre?

It was a Tragedy.

A plot twist, it seemed,

And only God knows the author.

In honesty I don't know how to start this blogpost, and I thought writing that verse that came to me today, as I drove down Old Hope Road, would be that which was needed to push the boulder over the cliff as far as the writing is concerned, but yet, still nothing. So I think it will be sufficient to say, I'm still in shock. 

Yesterday, someone I've basically known my entire life, a peer, and I daresay, a friend, died. And I haven't gotten through the shock of it yet. I haven't yet dealt with this, or started to, or decided whether or not it's something I have to deal with. I haven't gone back on social media because there are too many reminders and every time I see one, or someone mentions the crash it hits me again like I just heard it for the first time. Writing this I don't think I can really call it "On Grief" because I'm not grieving, I'm in shock. 

I guess, I have nothing else to say. I don't know enough about her to close with some poetic eulogy-esque statements, and my thoughts are still going nowhere. So I guess all I can do is offer my condolences to family, friends and all who saw it fit to grieve for both the deceased. But it feels weird that all that I can do for the one who I've known my whole life is the same I can do for the one I never knew.

Rest In Peace, Danielle.

-Me

On Many Things...

I like starting post titles with "On", makes it sound very purposeful, and if there is anything I generally don't have but love to pretend I have is "purpose". So in this, my first blogpost (on either blog) since probably Jesus' first coming (or my birthday... whichever came last), I'll be talking about a lot of things... It may be long, I don't know, I have 1 hour and 13 mins from now so, let's go.

On Distance
Distance Sucks, and (as I'm accustomed to saying) not in a good way. 
I wish that's all I had to say about this, I really do. The  FairyTale and I have been going on for 8 months now, and of that 8 we have been apart for 3, almost 4, months.

Been sighing on constant.

Loneliness is to me what iron is to a magnet. I'll become lonely at the drop of a hat, fuck, I can even produce my one loneliness for the sole purpose of torturing myself. It's a gift, a curse, a lifestyle. This poses a problem because as I've said in a previous post I have what I call abandonment anxiety. Now distance has the most annoying tendency of being like abandonment but obviously not abandonment. If you've ever had any form of anxiety, then you would be aware that in cases where your anxiety condition are unclear, the anxiety just acts defensively and runs with it anyways, i.e. without distraction I'm always on sad puppy mode.
I've sought many distractions since coming to university (parties(which I need alcohol to enjoy), people, clubs, hall activities,games) Now, since situations are never allowed to be simple in this life, the more distractions I seek, the worse a boyfriend I am, which gives me more reason to go on an anxiety trip...
And I know I talk about myself a lot, here on impulseprose (quite frankly that's the purpose... plus I don't need permission to talk about myself without personal repercussion) but I think I'll suffice to say it it's difficult for me I'd say FairyTale has it orders of magnitude worse. Sigh


On School
School, so far, hasn't been what I've expected. Not in a surprising way, and not in an underwhelming or overwhelming way, I just never expected it to be like this. This isn't something I can explain so far, and I don't know what exactly  I was expecting. Maybe I expected it to be more difficult? But I know soon I'll be cursing to myself for that when It becomes even more difficult than I expected.
One thing I do know is that I've sucked so far with my independence. My money management sucks, I'm not eating properly, or sleeping properly... I feel I'm running myself into the ground, even before I'm being particularly challenged. Which is worrying in many ways. However, I've survived almost through a whole semester without major incident, which I think is more than I would expect of myself. I hear from reputable sources that I'm now more confident and outgoing than I was before (though I can't say I see it ) and I must say I'm like less likely to "dead a road" than I was 3 months ago. I've apparently been topping my Japanese class and going through my major pretty smoothly... So, all considered,I'll say I haven't been too bad.

My time has expired unfortunately, so eventually I may do an "On Many Other Things..." unless I start studying, since "The Tent" is up and I've been told by my sempai that once the tent goes up I should panic...

Signing out.
Me