I am unapologetic for my abandonment of writing during the orientation period which would have been the perfect time because it was so full of things to transcribe it's ridiculous. I must say that orientation was too much fun... It literally sickened me. However, since you may not have realised, I'm not going to be talking about orientation because I'm not a Presser anymore. I'm a Prestonite.
As usual I started writing this because of good ol' mandevillgirl, really, even though we haven't talked much since we came here I can't forget how much she supports my writing; and whenever she writes I say "fuck it" and put finger to keyboard. I should talk to her more... In retrospect I should talk to a lot of people more. In fact if my life and persona were a literary work my general suckishness at communication with people would be among the foremost themes. However, I will talk about that soon enough.
As usual: It's a long post. You have been warned.
In my first two weeks of being a Prestonite I have learnt a few things about myself and people. I could say "I am Prestonite Lace for I..."
1. "...realise that left to my own devices I will have little regard for my own general welfare."
Since coming here I'm sure I've eaten less than a handful of actual "meals". I am, as I write this, pretty hungry; however I'm going to finish this. Then I'm going to probably read some stuff, or write some code, or walk around my hall looking for people... you get the idea. Contrary to popular (and my original) belief, this horrendous behaviour has almost nothing to do with the fact that I can't cook. Knowing myself, if I genuinely acknowledged my own physical welfare as important I would fucking find a way to eat... learn to cook via trial and error if necessary. Acquiring skills isn't a problem for me. So obviously, the problem must be that deep down I really don't care about myself: physically at least, and honestly I never really ate when people were cooking for me either. So hopefully I don't starve. I will keep you posted on this...
2." ....now recognise the root of my propensity for the feeling of loneliness."
Loneliness is a thing I do to myself. I have however, through self reflection and observation, isolated three preconditions for my personal brand of loneliness. Firstly, I fluctuate internally between the states of wanting to be alone and wanting to be with people: generally however people> myself, given that people are such that they are cool, where cool equates to being fun/easy to be around. (haha... there is mathematical notation for that sentence. I won't share it since I actually want people to continue reading my blog.) So the first precondition is that I currently would prefer to be around people.
The second is a constant. I like people. Though tied with the first precondition, the major difference is that this is a constant, that is a variable (loool more math, well, computer science math. but I'm really working hard for them reader losses) This impacts my behaviour, for example, I have developed the habit of walking around Preston Hall aimlessly at night, moving towards every group of people I see. These two preconditions are why I'm, for the most part, a very friendly person who generally has at least acquaintances wherever I go. Also, on a bit of a tangent, I believe I care for other's well-being more than my own, encapsulated in the fact that I ask other people if they have eaten.
Finally, the key that opens the corned beef: my good ol' friend, abandonment anxiety. Though it may not be abandonment anxiety really, it's related to it, and I've already introduced the idea of my own anxiety on this blog, so it's easy to relate it to this. Long story short: I'm afraid that people don't actually enjoy my company (this must be some form or paranoia) Like all fears and anxieties this is self validating. What complicates the matter is that, in most cases, I have no way of knowing whether or not I'm right. This leads to strange behaviour like leaving a group of people I'm currently with to go somewhere else because I feel I've somehow "overstayed my welcome".
So given that my love of people is constant, I currently want to be around people, and I have somehow validated and acted on my social abandonment anxiety, I will feel excessively lonely and particularly shitty.
3. "... found out that awesome people are awesome"
I love my hall for this very reason. The people here are fucking amazing. (I believe at some point this can be a pun when I start inadvertently hearing (of)other's sexual relations.) Other than being talented and intelligent and amazing, some people here genuinely care about my well-being... I don't even know how to start talking about this. So I probably wont. However, to validate the point of their amazing-ness I'll say that I went to the Writer's Circle yesterday and my favourite person in the group so far just happened to be an off-campus Prestonite (well, a commuter who's affiliated with the hall by registration) These people be cool. (see 2. above)
4."... discovered that rum is the nectar of the gods"
I went to Fresher's Fete. I drank about 10 cups of mixed drinks containing Coco Mania (coconut rum), white rum, and rum.(I literally at one point said to the bartender "Rum and anything") I came back from Fresher's Fete around 2:30. I ended up in several hilarious conversations (with our former"Super Seniors" and "Super Senior Sergeants") and went to bed at around 4:30. I woke up at 6:30 fresher than spring water. I believe in Rum.
5."... see that changing to Computer Science has been the best life decision I've made since FairyTale"
The immense joy I feel when I realise I don't have to do labs. Or get up for 8:00 classes. Or do labs. I don't know how to explain it. I thought it could be put into words if I was writing but no... It's almost religious. I just know I would've been miserable, even at this early stage, had I continued on the path of a medicine or life science student. In truth the title says it all.
6."... admit that communication is a thing... That I should do... Good-er. "
I'm tired of promising people that I'll treat them better. From Signature (I just decided to refer to the girl in "The Letter I Signed" as Signature), to my parents, to a new person to you all who I will refer to as Pink, to my friends in Mandeville and even those here (like the aforementioned mandevillegirl) I should try better to keep in touch with them, because they all mean a lot to me and it doesn't seem that way by the way I treat them. If you read this and you belong to any of the aforementioned groups or others I've forgotten to mention: I'm sorry. But then, I'm always sorry.
That's all I can think about for now, however there is no doubt in my mind that there are tonnes of discoveries left to be made here: and you'll be sure to hear about almost all of them. Till then: "I am Prestonite Lace..."
Tying up this blogpost,
-Me
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