"On Grief." may be written soon enough, but till then...

I never knew her story.

Only the ending, really,

But the genre?

It was a Tragedy.

A plot twist, it seemed,

And only God knows the author.

In honesty I don't know how to start this blogpost, and I thought writing that verse that came to me today, as I drove down Old Hope Road, would be that which was needed to push the boulder over the cliff as far as the writing is concerned, but yet, still nothing. So I think it will be sufficient to say, I'm still in shock. 

Yesterday, someone I've basically known my entire life, a peer, and I daresay, a friend, died. And I haven't gotten through the shock of it yet. I haven't yet dealt with this, or started to, or decided whether or not it's something I have to deal with. I haven't gone back on social media because there are too many reminders and every time I see one, or someone mentions the crash it hits me again like I just heard it for the first time. Writing this I don't think I can really call it "On Grief" because I'm not grieving, I'm in shock. 

I guess, I have nothing else to say. I don't know enough about her to close with some poetic eulogy-esque statements, and my thoughts are still going nowhere. So I guess all I can do is offer my condolences to family, friends and all who saw it fit to grieve for both the deceased. But it feels weird that all that I can do for the one who I've known my whole life is the same I can do for the one I never knew.

Rest In Peace, Danielle.

-Me

On Many Things...

I like starting post titles with "On", makes it sound very purposeful, and if there is anything I generally don't have but love to pretend I have is "purpose". So in this, my first blogpost (on either blog) since probably Jesus' first coming (or my birthday... whichever came last), I'll be talking about a lot of things... It may be long, I don't know, I have 1 hour and 13 mins from now so, let's go.

On Distance
Distance Sucks, and (as I'm accustomed to saying) not in a good way. 
I wish that's all I had to say about this, I really do. The  FairyTale and I have been going on for 8 months now, and of that 8 we have been apart for 3, almost 4, months.

Been sighing on constant.

Loneliness is to me what iron is to a magnet. I'll become lonely at the drop of a hat, fuck, I can even produce my one loneliness for the sole purpose of torturing myself. It's a gift, a curse, a lifestyle. This poses a problem because as I've said in a previous post I have what I call abandonment anxiety. Now distance has the most annoying tendency of being like abandonment but obviously not abandonment. If you've ever had any form of anxiety, then you would be aware that in cases where your anxiety condition are unclear, the anxiety just acts defensively and runs with it anyways, i.e. without distraction I'm always on sad puppy mode.
I've sought many distractions since coming to university (parties(which I need alcohol to enjoy), people, clubs, hall activities,games) Now, since situations are never allowed to be simple in this life, the more distractions I seek, the worse a boyfriend I am, which gives me more reason to go on an anxiety trip...
And I know I talk about myself a lot, here on impulseprose (quite frankly that's the purpose... plus I don't need permission to talk about myself without personal repercussion) but I think I'll suffice to say it it's difficult for me I'd say FairyTale has it orders of magnitude worse. Sigh


On School
School, so far, hasn't been what I've expected. Not in a surprising way, and not in an underwhelming or overwhelming way, I just never expected it to be like this. This isn't something I can explain so far, and I don't know what exactly  I was expecting. Maybe I expected it to be more difficult? But I know soon I'll be cursing to myself for that when It becomes even more difficult than I expected.
One thing I do know is that I've sucked so far with my independence. My money management sucks, I'm not eating properly, or sleeping properly... I feel I'm running myself into the ground, even before I'm being particularly challenged. Which is worrying in many ways. However, I've survived almost through a whole semester without major incident, which I think is more than I would expect of myself. I hear from reputable sources that I'm now more confident and outgoing than I was before (though I can't say I see it ) and I must say I'm like less likely to "dead a road" than I was 3 months ago. I've apparently been topping my Japanese class and going through my major pretty smoothly... So, all considered,I'll say I haven't been too bad.

My time has expired unfortunately, so eventually I may do an "On Many Other Things..." unless I start studying, since "The Tent" is up and I've been told by my sempai that once the tent goes up I should panic...

Signing out.
Me

Birthdays and Hypocrisy

Well, I haven't visited impulseprose in a while, but don't worry, I'm still writing. I'll probably make a prose section on Dark Colours and Silent Music since I've been doing a bit of story-writing thanks to The UWI Writers' Circle. Also, I've been busy. University, it seems, is a full time occupation.

So I will be gracing the pages of impulseprose with this post because, as the title or facebook might tell you, it's my birthday... and I've been led to believe that I'm either actually a hypocrite or I'm developing a mild case of multiple personality disorder... Put it this way: I'm of two minds concerning this whole birthday thing.

So as it goes, I was born, and birth in itself is miraculous in the sense that it's extremely normal for an occurrence of its magnitude; the entering of a new life into the world and all that. So birth is miraculous, I believe. Me being born is of course something I'm eternally grateful for, but I don't see the need to commemorate it on a yearly basis. Giving thanks for life is like a daily thing , that to me is more important than like celebrating it... So one mind would want the whole thing to just pass without me or anyone else even realising it did.

I pretty much thought this was my outlook on the whole matter of birthdays. I mean I even had this conversation with a certain kouhai about it while I was under the hands of the Almighty Gunya...

And then remembering one's birthday isn't really a feat anymore. Facebook is a major culprit here. But guys, Google tells us happy birthday now.

I know more about you than you dare to know about yourself. 

So just the hypocrisy of "politeness" of telling people you care nothing about "Happy Birthday!" gets to me, especially on the scale that it happens nowadays. I for one atleast try to tell people Happy Birthday face-to-face or in a more personal way than a facebook wall post or whatsapp group message.

But here's what gets to me. Last night I was expecting the flood, and come this morning there as little to nothing. Most of those closest to me and some others expressed their wishes and otherwise the world went on. This is what I wanted right? I guess... Yet, I still felt (and feel) saddened by it.

Be careful what you wish for...

So, maybe after all my talk I'm just being a hypocrite. Maybe I do care about birthdays. Maybe there is more to this all than just another thing to remember and celebrate. Maybe our birthday is inconsequential, but no one wants to feel that way. Maybe the "politeness" is more important than I give it credit for. 

Maybe. 

If anything, it's not too late to celebrate my day, right?

Still contemplating,

-Me

I Am Prestonite Lace for...

I am unapologetic for my abandonment of writing during the orientation period which would have been the perfect time because it was so full of things to transcribe it's ridiculous.  I must say that orientation was too much fun... It literally sickened me. However, since you may not have realised, I'm not going to be talking about orientation because I'm not a Presser anymore. I'm a Prestonite.

As usual I started writing this because of good ol' mandevillgirl, really, even though we haven't talked much since we came here I can't forget how much she supports my writing; and whenever she writes I say "fuck it" and put finger to keyboard. I should talk to her more... In retrospect I should talk to a lot of people more. In fact if my life and persona were a literary work my general suckishness at communication with people would be among the foremost themes. However, I will talk about that soon enough.

As usual: It's a long post. You have been warned.

In my first two weeks of being a Prestonite I have learnt a few things about myself and people. I could say "I am Prestonite Lace for I..."

1. "...realise that left to my own devices I will have little regard for my own general welfare."
        Since coming here I'm sure I've eaten less than a handful of actual "meals". I am, as I write this, pretty hungry; however I'm going to finish this. Then I'm going to probably read some stuff, or write some code, or walk around my hall looking for people... you get the idea. Contrary to popular (and my original) belief, this horrendous behaviour has almost nothing to do with the fact that I can't cook. Knowing myself, if I genuinely acknowledged my own physical welfare as important I would fucking find a way to eat... learn to cook via trial and error if necessary. Acquiring skills isn't a problem for me. So obviously, the problem must be that deep down I really don't care about myself: physically at least, and honestly I never really ate when people were cooking for me either. So hopefully I don't starve. I will keep you posted on this...

2." ....now recognise the root of my propensity for the feeling of loneliness."
       Loneliness is a thing I do to myself. I have however, through self reflection and observation, isolated three preconditions for my personal brand of loneliness. Firstly, I fluctuate internally between the states of wanting to be alone and wanting to be with people: generally however people> myself, given that people are such that they are cool, where cool equates to being fun/easy to be around. (haha... there is mathematical notation for that sentence. I won't share it since I actually want people to continue reading my blog.) So the first precondition is that I currently would prefer to be around people.
      The second is a constant. I like people. Though tied with the first precondition, the major difference is that this is a constant, that is a variable (loool more math, well, computer science math. but I'm really working hard for them reader losses) This impacts my behaviour, for example, I have developed the habit of walking around Preston Hall aimlessly at night, moving towards every group of people I see. These two preconditions are why I'm, for the most part, a very friendly person who generally has at least acquaintances wherever I go. Also, on a bit of a tangent, I believe I care for other's well-being more than my own, encapsulated in the fact that I ask other people if they have eaten.
       Finally, the key that opens the corned beef: my good ol' friend, abandonment anxiety. Though it may not be abandonment anxiety really, it's related to it, and I've already introduced the idea of my own anxiety on this blog, so it's easy to relate it to this. Long story short: I'm afraid that people don't actually enjoy my company (this must be some form or paranoia) Like all fears and anxieties this is self validating. What complicates the matter is that, in most cases, I have no way of knowing whether or not I'm right. This leads to strange behaviour like leaving a group of people I'm currently with to go somewhere else because I feel I've somehow "overstayed my welcome".
       So given that my love of people is constant, I currently want to be around people, and I have somehow validated and acted on my social abandonment anxiety, I will feel excessively lonely and particularly shitty.

3. "... found out that awesome people are awesome"
        I love my hall for this very reason. The people here are fucking amazing. (I believe at some point this can be a pun when I start inadvertently hearing (of)other's sexual relations.) Other than being talented and intelligent and amazing, some people here genuinely care about my well-being... I don't even know how to start talking about this. So I probably wont. However, to validate the point of their amazing-ness I'll say that I went to the Writer's Circle yesterday and my favourite person in the group so far just happened to be an off-campus Prestonite (well, a commuter who's affiliated with the hall by registration) These people be cool. (see 2. above)

4."... discovered that rum is the nectar of the gods"
       I went to Fresher's Fete. I drank about 10 cups of mixed drinks containing Coco Mania (coconut rum), white rum, and rum.(I literally at one point said to the bartender "Rum and anything") I came back from Fresher's Fete around 2:30.  I ended up in several hilarious conversations (with our former"Super Seniors" and "Super Senior Sergeants") and went to bed at around 4:30. I woke up at 6:30 fresher than spring water. I believe in Rum.

5."... see that changing to Computer Science has been the best life decision I've made since FairyTale"
      The immense joy I feel when I realise I don't have to do labs. Or get up for 8:00 classes. Or do labs. I don't know how to explain it. I thought it could be put into words if I was writing but no... It's almost religious. I just know I would've been miserable, even at this early stage, had I continued on the path of a medicine or life science student. In truth the title says it all.

6."... admit that communication is a thing... That I should do... Good-er. "
     I'm tired of promising people that I'll treat them better. From Signature (I just decided to refer to the girl in "The Letter I Signed" as Signature), to my parents, to a new person to you all who I will refer to as Pink, to my friends in Mandeville and even those here (like the aforementioned mandevillegirl) I should try better to keep in touch with them, because they all mean a lot to me and it doesn't seem that way by the way I treat them. If you read this and you belong to any of the aforementioned groups or others I've forgotten to mention: I'm sorry. But then, I'm always sorry.

That's all I can think about for now, however there is no doubt in my mind that there are tonnes of discoveries left to be made here: and you'll be sure to hear about almost all of them. Till then: "I am Prestonite Lace..." 

Tying up this blogpost,
-Me

On Masculinity: Attachment

You are not on drugs. This is legitimately happening. I'm writing the second blog post in two days. I understand if your panties can't handle it. Please, if you know you may need some time go and take a breather before you read any further. It'll be here when you get back. Promise.

We'll be back after this brief intermission

And we're back. Thanks for staying with us here at impulseprose as we continue On Masculinity. Today I'll be talking about attachment. As usual my thoughts aren't based on any proven facts and I may be dead wrong. This may be lengthy, you have been warned. Enjoy. 

So yesterday (this still feels weird) I spoke about masculinity in general and some implications of society's approach to the socialisation of boys into men, and some of the personal effects on me. However, to be honest, that wasn't the plan going into the blog post, it just kind of became that. Originally the post was titled: On Masculinity, Attachment and anything else that comes to mind. So this will be the Attachment portion.

But we must still go deeper. I was spurred to write the blogpost mainly because (Pathetic in...3...2...1...) I hadn't spoken to (our beloved) Fairytale in a mind-boggling 4 hours at the time. Not giving you much more background to that. It raised the whole matter of how powerful my attachments tend to be, and basically how much abandonment anxiety I have. Now, with the idea of masculinity I outlined yesterday, all I have to say is this isn't a part of my "me I can look at without shame or disappointment".

I believe this is one of those emotional shortcomings we males tend to have. I personally have some degree of abandonment anxiety, I'm not saying that's a male thing. But problems regarding attachment seem to be a male thing.

You see, we humans are social beings. Our brains are so big because social-ness takes up a shit tonne of space, processing power and complex systems. Complex communication, empathy, morals, that urge we have to "fit in"... all of these things are grounded in the brains pre-occupation with making this social thing work (believe me, it is. Whether you think so or not.) One of those mechanisms is, of course, attachment.

Think about it. What's an easy way to, let's say, ensure parent humans actually expend effort to ensure their offspring humans are fed, when they don't actually benefit directly from doing so? Well, of course you can create a social system where that's a social norm, so to ensure they aren't ostracized by their local humans who all feed their offspring humans they do it too. That may work. OR You can automatically assign value and importance to the offspring humans by forming an emotional bond to that offspring human, thus being compelled to feed them because if you don't your precious offspring human will die. While both of these are probably factors, the latter will most likely be the deciding one. I mean if only the former was present a lot more offspring humans would die. And attachment has many more uses. Like keeping relationships together. Because relationships are the basis of making that social thing work on the individual level.

Now back to attachment and masculinity. We teach males a lot about detachment. A man shouldn't show his emotions (Fun fact: Left unchecked emotions can be seen and read. These served social purposes.) A man should be independent. A man should be "strong". This whole thing just teaches boys detachment., so we know how to do that shit by time we're all grown up. However, the brain does attachment anyways. So we have friends, not too emotionally taxing most of the time, so we're good (generally). But the more emotionally demanding the attachment is the less we seem to be able to cope.

So personally, due somehow to how I grew up, I have abandonment anxiety. I don't have a problem with being alone per se. I do, however, have a problem being left alone. Specifically by those I'm attached to Now I can't say I understand why, but I make attachments faster than I make empty bags of crackers. It's not something I would recommend. Easily Attached + Abandonment Anxiety is one hell of a party. This is basically how it goes. Let's say we are friends (haha... only my friends read this anyways) and we're having a conversation via text or whatsapp or (God forbid) Twitter DMs, and you suddenly disappear (and by disappear I mean not reply for like... 5 mins) I panic. Usually I blame your disappearance on myself ("shit, I shouldn't have said that","ugh, it's because I'm boring") and sending a message a reasonable time later with my unsure face ("hey :x"), like a little puppy who's not really sure if he's okay with you right now. Sounds fun right?

Life's a non-stop party

So what about other men? What attachment issues do they have? I can't be sure, as I don't actually interact with my fellow guys particularly often. But let's see.
The Possessive Guy may be equating attachment with possession/ownership.
The Needy Guy may see attachment as an emotional outlet.
The Detached Guy may see attachment as a sign of weakness.
The Clingy Guy may equate (the object of) attachment with self-worth. (I think I'm somewhere here... Fairytale disagrees)

By no means an exhaustive list. But these are a few possible correlations between these common complaints (I have a lot of female friends) and possible flawed attachment philosophies.

I said attachment problems are a male thing. Well, honestly, it's (like everything else) a human thing. But the differences between sexes are not to be downplayed. Society affects both differently, and the factors which contribute to the male problems may not be contributing factors to female problems and vice versa.

I may have another On Masculinity blog post left. That's not a tomorrow thing though. But, till then:

-Me

On Masculinity

I'm honestly not apologising for not writing, except to myself. Not writing is probably the worst thing I could've done for my writing. So I apologise to you, me, for the negligence I have shown to you and your various talents. I've been tired, me. However I will endeavour to do better. For you, and me. For Us.

This may be quite lengthy. You have been warned. Enjoy.

Who, or what, is a Man? 

We now live in a world where gender and sex are:

1. No longer the same thing.
2. Complicated.

To illustrate this Facebook now has 58 gender options... don't believe me? I'll list them... well the 56 except the two you're probably more familiar with.

1. Agender
2. Androgyne
3. Androgynous
4. Bigender
5. Cis
6. Cisgender
7. Cis Female
8. Cis Male
9. Cis Man
10. Cis Woman
11. Cisgender Female
12. Cisgender Male
13. Cisgender Man
14. Cisgender Woman
15. Female to Male
16. FTM
17. Gender Fluid
18. Gender Nonconforming
19. Gender Questioning
20. Gender Variant
21. Genderqueer
22. Intersex
23. Male to Female
24. MTF
25. Neither
26. Neutrois
27. Non-binary
28. Other
29. Pangender
30. Trans
31. Trans*
32. Trans Female
33. Trans* Female
34. Trans Male
35. Trans* Male
36. Trans Man
37. Trans* Man
38. Trans Person
39. Trans* Person
40. Trans Woman
41. Trans* Woman
42. Transfeminine
43. Transgender
44. Transgender Female
45. Transgender Male
46. Transgender Man
47. Transgender Person
48. Transgender Woman
49. Transmasculine
50. Transsexual
51. Transsexual Female
52. Transsexual Male
53. Transsexual Man
54. Transsexual Person
55. Transsexual Woman
56. Two-Spirit

So. I wont be going into that any more. If you're interested in their meanings then go here. You can probably see how this complicates things. I mean, back in the good ol' Male-Female binary days people still pretty much still couldn't really figure out what it really meant to be male or female, or if it meant anything. Now we have options, and options ain't ever hurt nobody right? Wrong.  You've now taken a complicated concept and made it impossible. 

Accurate. 

So now, with that as background, my original question. "Who, or what, is a man?"

My concept of "masculinity" really isn't a concrete one. It's so abstract, that I struggle now even to grasp it and arrange letters to give it substance (though I will try anyways).  I asked a certain mandevillegirl her thoughts (because her thoughts are usually stellar and different from mine but when our thought's coincide I know something is right.) and two points are exactly what I had trouble trying to put into words (which she did beautifully in my humble opinion)

The socialisation of men as cold, emotionless creatures which has somehow done our boys a great injustice of stripping them of their ability to sympathise, emphathise, feel anything at all. We as a society has failed our men by teaching them that the absence of emotion greatly adds to their value. Instead of teaching our boys how to hug and cry and say 'I love you', we have fed their egos... and worse, taught them that their masculinity is in any way related to sex... We have socialised our sons to be incompatible with our daughters.

This is one of those crucial points. I have lived the conflict between being emotional as hell and being "male". It does wonders for your self-esteem when the natural picker-upper for a crying boy-child is "be a man". Believe me. I can honestly say that this has led directly to all of my problems with not only my emotions but with those of others. Emotions are scary. You either learn to deal with them or you try to bury them and face the occasional explosion or break down (I've faced both, neither is pleasant). 

 If we are raising our sons to be the protectors, the providers and the partners for our daughters, why are our daughters having to step up and "grow a pair" (forgive me) and provide for and protect themselves? Where are the men? Why have they turned into the very persons our daughters seem to need protection from? 

Again, crucial. But, I have realised that a lot of society's concept of masculinity, funnily enough, has to do with women. I personally have a strong bias towards women (even to those I don't want to have sex with! *gasp*) It is funny because as women grow more and more independent of men they have a worse and worse reception of male kindness (though a good cross-section of male-kind seem to think that kindness should be repaid in sex or kind... ). While society's ideal places men as protectors, in practice it has put males and females into groups Hunter and Hunted respectively.  This isn't good for either group. 

But like everything else, I don't believe in there being a rigid structure to the concept of "masculine". It's not a thing that comes with a checklist or textbook definition. As a male (Cis-Male? Trans-Male? Male-to-Female? Female-to-Male?) you basically have to make your own masculinity. You have to take the you you were given an mould it into the you you can can look at without shame or disappointment and that will be your "masculinity". (I said a lot of nothing in this paragraph)

I have this kind of, unspecific view because I think a problem males and people in general have is that the pursuit of society's "masculinity" or "femininity" or any"nity" is void of any real awareness of self. With all of the confusion, it's no wonder we have >50 genders really. I mean if you don't see yourself as fitting society's mould of a male/female then you are probably going to define yourself as something outside of that male-female binary. 

It seems inevitable that the generations that follow us will drift outside of the gender binary we grew up in (I look forward to the new public bathroom schemes), and as we march into that future it will become even more important for us to know and understand ourselves in that regard. 

Female, Male, Fabulous

(I had intended to write more, but this ended up being longer than I planned. So I'll follow up this post. Soon. Like Tomorrow. I hope.) 

-Me. 

PS.  I actually delivered. Part 2

Friends, "Summer" and why all of my Plans are, indeed, Mythical.

So I graduate (again) in 3 days, and that has nothing to do with my complete abandonment of my blogs and whatever audience I have (are those crickets I hear?). It has however brought to the fore a question that I never thought I would have problems with. It also has everything to do with what I will face this upcoming "summer", and by extension the work of mythology which seem to be my plans. These and more may be brought to you in the most wordy, round-about, and me-ish way I can manage in the following paragraphs.

"Who are my friends now?" 

I've been at this institution for 7 years, admittedly much of those were the best years of my life. They could be said to be the best years of my life not because of the institution's propensity to generate good times, but because of people. People. Many of which I would love to call my friends. So, I have many friends, I think. Yet, I doubt.

I doubt because, well, I've been somewhat a loner this year. I feel as if I've gone through this year with almost the minimum requirement of interaction with my year group. I can't quite explain it, but for some reason, entering this my ultimate year, I just never belonged... or at least I never felt like I did. This, of course, is probably a byproduct of my adolescence in that my predominant "crisis" is the struggle between the need to stand out and the need to fit in, "Identity vs Role Confusion" as Erik Erikson would put it.

It came up, you see, as I asked myself whether or not I should go to graduation dinner (which I didn't). The more I tried to think about whether or not it was worth it, the more I felt a looming "loneliness". It was as if that is how I've become accustomed to feeling within my own graduating class. Lonely. I'm still not sure if I made a correct decision here as even a certain mandevillegirl seemed to have enjoyed herself, with "good company". But then she, and most people, seem to have the privilege of knowing who her friends are. People like that, more often than not, find good company.

Now don't get me wrong, for the most part I do know my friends... but there are times I feel like an outsider looking in; or in extreme cases, an intruder. And before the movements of my previously concrete "group" of friends in the general direction of "away" there was more a feeling of belonging. I know what friendship feels like, and this entire year that feeling has been a bit too scarce.

"Summer(?)"

I start working the day after graduation. "Work" as in actual paid labour, for an employer, on a consistent basis, is something I have NEVER done (yup, I'm a bum... sad, but true) I'm not dreading it or anything, just saying. Now as someone who does external examinations, technically my Summer started from the 14th of June. However between graduation practice and prefect responsibilities it hasn't felt like Summer... except the heat. So with that in mind, neither will working daily from 7:00am... So I ask the pseudo-philosophical question: If it looks like Summer, feels like Summer and sounds like Summer but doesn't feel like Summer, then is it Summer? 

Yes. 

This Summer is different, you see. With this Summer officially ends my career as a high school student. Well.. Sunday being graduation actually ends my career as a high school student... but I wont feel like a university student till I don my ID, trod across the campus with more sq. mileage than my town, and sit in my first hopeless class. 

So it is Summer. Just of a different kind. I believe life will change after this, so the build up can be a bit different as well. 

"I am to Plans as Homer is to The Odyssey"

I have come to the realization that if I want to do something I better not plan to. It sounds sad. It is. As you may remember, I had a good amount of stellar plans for my undertaking this Summer. If you don't then take a look-see (noting that "Where is Mellisa?" has passed, and adding "A Heritage Story" to the list of plays I need to write). So therefore "The Death of a Don", "A Heritage Story" and even preparation for the yet unnamed writing BLOG blog have yet to even begin to be things that I am actually doing this summer. 

Alongside this fact, it has been proven again and again with Fairytale that whatever I plan doesn't happen. End of Story. So basically I'm filling my head with works of mythology, fallacy... lies?. I hope not, and I don't exactly plan to, but somehow I'm gonna get to those things. 

So basically, as usual, my problems are minute and generally don't concern anyone else, and pale in comparison to the actual physical, psychological and real woes faced by even my peers... but then It wouldn't be impulseprose without that would it? 

Continuing to ask the real (unimportant) questions,

-Me