I am unapologetic for my abandonment of writing during the orientation period which would have been the perfect time because it was so full of things to transcribe it's ridiculous. I must say that orientation was too much fun... It literally sickened me. However, since you may not have realised, I'm not going to be talking about orientation because I'm not a Presser anymore. I'm a Prestonite.
As usual I started writing this because of good ol' mandevillgirl, really, even though we haven't talked much since we came here I can't forget how much she supports my writing; and whenever she writes I say "fuck it" and put finger to keyboard. I should talk to her more... In retrospect I should talk to a lot of people more. In fact if my life and persona were a literary work my general suckishness at communication with people would be among the foremost themes. However, I will talk about that soon enough.
As usual: It's a long post. You have been warned.
In my first two weeks of being a Prestonite I have learnt a few things about myself and people. I could say "I am Prestonite Lace for I..."
1. "...realise that left to my own devices I will have little regard for my own general welfare."
Since coming here I'm sure I've eaten less than a handful of actual "meals". I am, as I write this, pretty hungry; however I'm going to finish this. Then I'm going to probably read some stuff, or write some code, or walk around my hall looking for people... you get the idea. Contrary to popular (and my original) belief, this horrendous behaviour has almost nothing to do with the fact that I can't cook. Knowing myself, if I genuinely acknowledged my own physical welfare as important I would fucking find a way to eat... learn to cook via trial and error if necessary. Acquiring skills isn't a problem for me. So obviously, the problem must be that deep down I really don't care about myself: physically at least, and honestly I never really ate when people were cooking for me either. So hopefully I don't starve. I will keep you posted on this...
2." ....now recognise the root of my propensity for the feeling of loneliness."
Loneliness is a thing I do to myself. I have however, through self reflection and observation, isolated three preconditions for my personal brand of loneliness. Firstly, I fluctuate internally between the states of wanting to be alone and wanting to be with people: generally however people> myself, given that people are such that they are cool, where cool equates to being fun/easy to be around. (haha... there is mathematical notation for that sentence. I won't share it since I actually want people to continue reading my blog.) So the first precondition is that I currently would prefer to be around people.
The second is a constant. I like people. Though tied with the first precondition, the major difference is that this is a constant, that is a variable (loool more math, well, computer science math. but I'm really working hard for them reader losses) This impacts my behaviour, for example, I have developed the habit of walking around Preston Hall aimlessly at night, moving towards every group of people I see. These two preconditions are why I'm, for the most part, a very friendly person who generally has at least acquaintances wherever I go. Also, on a bit of a tangent, I believe I care for other's well-being more than my own, encapsulated in the fact that I ask other people if they have eaten.
Finally, the key that opens the corned beef: my good ol' friend, abandonment anxiety. Though it may not be abandonment anxiety really, it's related to it, and I've already introduced the idea of my own anxiety on this blog, so it's easy to relate it to this. Long story short: I'm afraid that people don't actually enjoy my company (this must be some form or paranoia) Like all fears and anxieties this is self validating. What complicates the matter is that, in most cases, I have no way of knowing whether or not I'm right. This leads to strange behaviour like leaving a group of people I'm currently with to go somewhere else because I feel I've somehow "overstayed my welcome".
So given that my love of people is constant, I currently want to be around people, and I have somehow validated and acted on my social abandonment anxiety, I will feel excessively lonely and particularly shitty.
3. "... found out that awesome people are awesome"
I love my hall for this very reason. The people here are fucking amazing. (I believe at some point this can be a pun when I start inadvertently hearing (of)other's sexual relations.) Other than being talented and intelligent and amazing, some people here genuinely care about my well-being... I don't even know how to start talking about this. So I probably wont. However, to validate the point of their amazing-ness I'll say that I went to the Writer's Circle yesterday and my favourite person in the group so far just happened to be an off-campus Prestonite (well, a commuter who's affiliated with the hall by registration) These people be cool. (see 2. above)
4."... discovered that rum is the nectar of the gods"
I went to Fresher's Fete. I drank about 10 cups of mixed drinks containing Coco Mania (coconut rum), white rum, and rum.(I literally at one point said to the bartender "Rum and anything") I came back from Fresher's Fete around 2:30. I ended up in several hilarious conversations (with our former"Super Seniors" and "Super Senior Sergeants") and went to bed at around 4:30. I woke up at 6:30 fresher than spring water. I believe in Rum.
5."... see that changing to Computer Science has been the best life decision I've made since FairyTale"
The immense joy I feel when I realise I don't have to do labs. Or get up for 8:00 classes. Or do labs. I don't know how to explain it. I thought it could be put into words if I was writing but no... It's almost religious. I just know I would've been miserable, even at this early stage, had I continued on the path of a medicine or life science student. In truth the title says it all.
6."... admit that communication is a thing... That I should do... Good-er. "
I'm tired of promising people that I'll treat them better. From Signature (I just decided to refer to the girl in "The Letter I Signed" as Signature), to my parents, to a new person to you all who I will refer to as Pink, to my friends in Mandeville and even those here (like the aforementioned mandevillegirl) I should try better to keep in touch with them, because they all mean a lot to me and it doesn't seem that way by the way I treat them. If you read this and you belong to any of the aforementioned groups or others I've forgotten to mention: I'm sorry. But then, I'm always sorry.
That's all I can think about for now, however there is no doubt in my mind that there are tonnes of discoveries left to be made here: and you'll be sure to hear about almost all of them. Till then: "I am Prestonite Lace..."
Tying up this blogpost,
-Me
Friday, 12 September 2014
Sunday, 3 August 2014
On Masculinity: Attachment
You are not on drugs. This is legitimately happening. I'm writing the second blog post in two days. I understand if your panties can't handle it. Please, if you know you may need some time go and take a breather before you read any further. It'll be here when you get back. Promise.
So yesterday (this still feels weird) I spoke about masculinity in general and some implications of society's approach to the socialisation of boys into men, and some of the personal effects on me. However, to be honest, that wasn't the plan going into the blog post, it just kind of became that. Originally the post was titled: On Masculinity, Attachment and anything else that comes to mind. So this will be the Attachment portion.
But we must still go deeper. I was spurred to write the blogpost mainly because (Pathetic in...3...2...1...) I hadn't spoken to (our beloved) Fairytale in a mind-boggling 4 hours at the time. Not giving you much more background to that. It raised the whole matter of how powerful my attachments tend to be, and basically how much abandonment anxiety I have. Now, with the idea of masculinity I outlined yesterday, all I have to say is this isn't a part of my "me I can look at without shame or disappointment".
I believe this is one of those emotional shortcomings we males tend to have. I personally have some degree of abandonment anxiety, I'm not saying that's a male thing. But problems regarding attachment seem to be a male thing.
You see, we humans are social beings. Our brains are so big because social-ness takes up a shit tonne of space, processing power and complex systems. Complex communication, empathy, morals, that urge we have to "fit in"... all of these things are grounded in the brains pre-occupation with making this social thing work (believe me, it is. Whether you think so or not.) One of those mechanisms is, of course, attachment.
Think about it. What's an easy way to, let's say, ensure parent humans actually expend effort to ensure their offspring humans are fed, when they don't actually benefit directly from doing so? Well, of course you can create a social system where that's a social norm, so to ensure they aren't ostracized by their local humans who all feed their offspring humans they do it too. That may work. OR You can automatically assign value and importance to the offspring humans by forming an emotional bond to that offspring human, thus being compelled to feed them because if you don't your precious offspring human will die. While both of these are probably factors, the latter will most likely be the deciding one. I mean if only the former was present a lot more offspring humans would die. And attachment has many more uses. Like keeping relationships together. Because relationships are the basis of making that social thing work on the individual level.
Now back to attachment and masculinity. We teach males a lot about detachment. A man shouldn't show his emotions (Fun fact: Left unchecked emotions can be seen and read. These served social purposes.) A man should be independent. A man should be "strong". This whole thing just teaches boys detachment., so we know how to do that shit by time we're all grown up. However, the brain does attachment anyways. So we have friends, not too emotionally taxing most of the time, so we're good (generally). But the more emotionally demanding the attachment is the less we seem to be able to cope.
So personally, due somehow to how I grew up, I have abandonment anxiety. I don't have a problem with being alone per se. I do, however, have a problem being left alone. Specifically by those I'm attached to Now I can't say I understand why, but I make attachments faster than I make empty bags of crackers. It's not something I would recommend. Easily Attached + Abandonment Anxiety is one hell of a party. This is basically how it goes. Let's say we are friends (haha... only my friends read this anyways) and we're having a conversation via text or whatsapp or (God forbid) Twitter DMs, and you suddenly disappear (and by disappear I mean not reply for like... 5 mins) I panic. Usually I blame your disappearance on myself ("shit, I shouldn't have said that","ugh, it's because I'm boring") and sending a message a reasonable time later with my unsure face ("hey :x"), like a little puppy who's not really sure if he's okay with you right now. Sounds fun right?
So what about other men? What attachment issues do they have? I can't be sure, as I don't actually interact with my fellow guys particularly often. But let's see.
The Possessive Guy may be equating attachment with possession/ownership.
The Needy Guy may see attachment as an emotional outlet.
The Detached Guy may see attachment as a sign of weakness.
The Clingy Guy may equate (the object of) attachment with self-worth. (I think I'm somewhere here... Fairytale disagrees)
By no means an exhaustive list. But these are a few possible correlations between these common complaints (I have a lot of female friends) and possible flawed attachment philosophies.
I said attachment problems are a male thing. Well, honestly, it's (like everything else) a human thing. But the differences between sexes are not to be downplayed. Society affects both differently, and the factors which contribute to the male problems may not be contributing factors to female problems and vice versa.
I may have another On Masculinity blog post left. That's not a tomorrow thing though. But, till then:
-Me
We'll be back after this brief intermission
And we're back. Thanks for staying with us here at impulseprose as we continue On Masculinity. Today I'll be talking about attachment. As usual my thoughts aren't based on any proven facts and I may be dead wrong. This may be lengthy, you have been warned. Enjoy.
But we must still go deeper. I was spurred to write the blogpost mainly because (Pathetic in...3...2...1...) I hadn't spoken to (our beloved) Fairytale in a mind-boggling 4 hours at the time. Not giving you much more background to that. It raised the whole matter of how powerful my attachments tend to be, and basically how much abandonment anxiety I have. Now, with the idea of masculinity I outlined yesterday, all I have to say is this isn't a part of my "me I can look at without shame or disappointment".
I believe this is one of those emotional shortcomings we males tend to have. I personally have some degree of abandonment anxiety, I'm not saying that's a male thing. But problems regarding attachment seem to be a male thing.
You see, we humans are social beings. Our brains are so big because social-ness takes up a shit tonne of space, processing power and complex systems. Complex communication, empathy, morals, that urge we have to "fit in"... all of these things are grounded in the brains pre-occupation with making this social thing work (believe me, it is. Whether you think so or not.) One of those mechanisms is, of course, attachment.
Think about it. What's an easy way to, let's say, ensure parent humans actually expend effort to ensure their offspring humans are fed, when they don't actually benefit directly from doing so? Well, of course you can create a social system where that's a social norm, so to ensure they aren't ostracized by their local humans who all feed their offspring humans they do it too. That may work. OR You can automatically assign value and importance to the offspring humans by forming an emotional bond to that offspring human, thus being compelled to feed them because if you don't your precious offspring human will die. While both of these are probably factors, the latter will most likely be the deciding one. I mean if only the former was present a lot more offspring humans would die. And attachment has many more uses. Like keeping relationships together. Because relationships are the basis of making that social thing work on the individual level.
Now back to attachment and masculinity. We teach males a lot about detachment. A man shouldn't show his emotions (Fun fact: Left unchecked emotions can be seen and read. These served social purposes.) A man should be independent. A man should be "strong". This whole thing just teaches boys detachment., so we know how to do that shit by time we're all grown up. However, the brain does attachment anyways. So we have friends, not too emotionally taxing most of the time, so we're good (generally). But the more emotionally demanding the attachment is the less we seem to be able to cope.
So personally, due somehow to how I grew up, I have abandonment anxiety. I don't have a problem with being alone per se. I do, however, have a problem being left alone. Specifically by those I'm attached to Now I can't say I understand why, but I make attachments faster than I make empty bags of crackers. It's not something I would recommend. Easily Attached + Abandonment Anxiety is one hell of a party. This is basically how it goes. Let's say we are friends (haha... only my friends read this anyways) and we're having a conversation via text or whatsapp or (God forbid) Twitter DMs, and you suddenly disappear (and by disappear I mean not reply for like... 5 mins) I panic. Usually I blame your disappearance on myself ("shit, I shouldn't have said that","ugh, it's because I'm boring") and sending a message a reasonable time later with my unsure face ("hey :x"), like a little puppy who's not really sure if he's okay with you right now. Sounds fun right?
Life's a non-stop party
So what about other men? What attachment issues do they have? I can't be sure, as I don't actually interact with my fellow guys particularly often. But let's see.
The Possessive Guy may be equating attachment with possession/ownership.
The Needy Guy may see attachment as an emotional outlet.
The Detached Guy may see attachment as a sign of weakness.
The Clingy Guy may equate (the object of) attachment with self-worth. (I think I'm somewhere here... Fairytale disagrees)
By no means an exhaustive list. But these are a few possible correlations between these common complaints (I have a lot of female friends) and possible flawed attachment philosophies.
I said attachment problems are a male thing. Well, honestly, it's (like everything else) a human thing. But the differences between sexes are not to be downplayed. Society affects both differently, and the factors which contribute to the male problems may not be contributing factors to female problems and vice versa.
I may have another On Masculinity blog post left. That's not a tomorrow thing though. But, till then:
Saturday, 2 August 2014
On Masculinity
I'm honestly not apologising for not writing, except to myself. Not writing is probably the worst thing I could've done for my writing. So I apologise to you, me, for the negligence I have shown to you and your various talents. I've been tired, me. However I will endeavour to do better. For you, and me. For Us.
This may be quite lengthy. You have been warned. Enjoy.
We now live in a world where gender and sex are:
This may be quite lengthy. You have been warned. Enjoy.
Who, or what, is a Man?
We now live in a world where gender and sex are:
- No longer the same thing.
- Complicated.
To illustrate this Facebook now has 58 gender options... don't believe me? I'll list them... well the 56 except the two you're probably more familiar with.
- Agender
- Androgyne
- Androgynous
- Bigender
- Cis
- Cisgender
- Cis Female
- Cis Male
- Cis Man
- Cis Woman
- Cisgender Female
- Cisgender Male
- Cisgender Man
- Cisgender Woman
- Female to Male
- FTM
- Gender Fluid
- Gender Nonconforming
- Gender Questioning
- Gender Variant
- Genderqueer
- Intersex
- Male to Female
- MTF
- Neither
- Neutrois
- Non-binary
- Other
- Pangender
- Trans
- Trans*
- Trans Female
- Trans* Female
- Trans Male
- Trans* Male
- Trans Man
- Trans* Man
- Trans Person
- Trans* Person
- Trans Woman
- Trans* Woman
- Transfeminine
- Transgender
- Transgender Female
- Transgender Male
- Transgender Man
- Transgender Person
- Transgender Woman
- Transmasculine
- Transsexual
- Transsexual Female
- Transsexual Male
- Transsexual Man
- Transsexual Person
- Transsexual Woman
- Two-Spirit
So. I wont be going into that any more. If you're interested in their meanings then go here. You can probably see how this complicates things. I mean, back in the good ol' Male-Female binary days people still pretty much still couldn't really figure out what it really meant to be male or female, or if it meant anything. Now we have options, and options ain't ever hurt nobody right? Wrong. You've now taken a complicated concept and made it impossible.
Accurate.
So now, with that as background, my original question. "Who, or what, is a man?"
My concept of "masculinity" really isn't a concrete one. It's so abstract, that I struggle now even to grasp it and arrange letters to give it substance (though I will try anyways). I asked a certain mandevillegirl her thoughts (because her thoughts are usually stellar and different from mine but when our thought's coincide I know something is right.) and two points are exactly what I had trouble trying to put into words (which she did beautifully in my humble opinion)
The socialisation of men as cold, emotionless creatures which has somehow done our boys a great injustice of stripping them of their ability to sympathise, emphathise, feel anything at all. We as a society has failed our men by teaching them that the absence of emotion greatly adds to their value. Instead of teaching our boys how to hug and cry and say 'I love you', we have fed their egos... and worse, taught them that their masculinity is in any way related to sex... We have socialised our sons to be incompatible with our daughters.
This is one of those crucial points. I have lived the conflict between being emotional as hell and being "male". It does wonders for your self-esteem when the natural picker-upper for a crying boy-child is "be a man". Believe me. I can honestly say that this has led directly to all of my problems with not only my emotions but with those of others. Emotions are scary. You either learn to deal with them or you try to bury them and face the occasional explosion or break down (I've faced both, neither is pleasant).
If we are raising our sons to be the protectors, the providers and the partners for our daughters, why are our daughters having to step up and "grow a pair" (forgive me) and provide for and protect themselves? Where are the men? Why have they turned into the very persons our daughters seem to need protection from?
Again, crucial. But, I have realised that a lot of society's concept of masculinity, funnily enough, has to do with women. I personally have a strong bias towards women (even to those I don't want to have sex with! *gasp*) It is funny because as women grow more and more independent of men they have a worse and worse reception of male kindness (though a good cross-section of male-kind seem to think that kindness should be repaid in sex or kind... ). While society's ideal places men as protectors, in practice it has put males and females into groups Hunter and Hunted respectively. This isn't good for either group.
But like everything else, I don't believe in there being a rigid structure to the concept of "masculine". It's not a thing that comes with a checklist or textbook definition. As a male (Cis-Male? Trans-Male? Male-to-Female? Female-to-Male?) you basically have to make your own masculinity. You have to take the you you were given an mould it into the you you can can look at without shame or disappointment and that will be your "masculinity". (I said a lot of nothing in this paragraph)
I have this kind of, unspecific view because I think a problem males and people in general have is that the pursuit of society's "masculinity" or "femininity" or any"nity" is void of any real awareness of self. With all of the confusion, it's no wonder we have >50 genders really. I mean if you don't see yourself as fitting society's mould of a male/female then you are probably going to define yourself as something outside of that male-female binary.
It seems inevitable that the generations that follow us will drift outside of the gender binary we grew up in (I look forward to the new public bathroom schemes), and as we march into that future it will become even more important for us to know and understand ourselves in that regard.
Female, Male, Fabulous
(I had intended to write more, but this ended up being longer than I planned. So I'll follow up this post. Soon. Like Tomorrow. I hope.)
-Me.
PS. I actually delivered. Part 2
Wednesday, 2 July 2014
Friends, "Summer" and why all of my Plans are, indeed, Mythical.
So I graduate (again) in 3 days, and that has nothing to do with my complete abandonment of my blogs and whatever audience I have (are those crickets I hear?). It has however brought to the fore a question that I never thought I would have problems with. It also has everything to do with what I will face this upcoming "summer", and by extension the work of mythology which seem to be my plans. These and more may be brought to you in the most wordy, round-about, and me-ish way I can manage in the following paragraphs.
I've been at this institution for 7 years, admittedly much of those were the best years of my life. They could be said to be the best years of my life not because of the institution's propensity to generate good times, but because of people. People. Many of which I would love to call my friends. So, I have many friends, I think. Yet, I doubt.
I doubt because, well, I've been somewhat a loner this year. I feel as if I've gone through this year with almost the minimum requirement of interaction with my year group. I can't quite explain it, but for some reason, entering this my ultimate year, I just never belonged... or at least I never felt like I did. This, of course, is probably a byproduct of my adolescence in that my predominant "crisis" is the struggle between the need to stand out and the need to fit in, "Identity vs Role Confusion" as Erik Erikson would put it.
It came up, you see, as I asked myself whether or not I should go to graduation dinner (which I didn't). The more I tried to think about whether or not it was worth it, the more I felt a looming "loneliness". It was as if that is how I've become accustomed to feeling within my own graduating class. Lonely. I'm still not sure if I made a correct decision here as even a certain mandevillegirl seemed to have enjoyed herself, with "good company". But then she, and most people, seem to have the privilege of knowing who her friends are. People like that, more often than not, find good company.
Now don't get me wrong, for the most part I do know my friends... but there are times I feel like an outsider looking in; or in extreme cases, an intruder. And before the movements of my previously concrete "group" of friends in the general direction of "away" there was more a feeling of belonging. I know what friendship feels like, and this entire year that feeling has been a bit too scarce.
"Who are my friends now?"
I've been at this institution for 7 years, admittedly much of those were the best years of my life. They could be said to be the best years of my life not because of the institution's propensity to generate good times, but because of people. People. Many of which I would love to call my friends. So, I have many friends, I think. Yet, I doubt.
I doubt because, well, I've been somewhat a loner this year. I feel as if I've gone through this year with almost the minimum requirement of interaction with my year group. I can't quite explain it, but for some reason, entering this my ultimate year, I just never belonged... or at least I never felt like I did. This, of course, is probably a byproduct of my adolescence in that my predominant "crisis" is the struggle between the need to stand out and the need to fit in, "Identity vs Role Confusion" as Erik Erikson would put it.
It came up, you see, as I asked myself whether or not I should go to graduation dinner (which I didn't). The more I tried to think about whether or not it was worth it, the more I felt a looming "loneliness". It was as if that is how I've become accustomed to feeling within my own graduating class. Lonely. I'm still not sure if I made a correct decision here as even a certain mandevillegirl seemed to have enjoyed herself, with "good company". But then she, and most people, seem to have the privilege of knowing who her friends are. People like that, more often than not, find good company.
Now don't get me wrong, for the most part I do know my friends... but there are times I feel like an outsider looking in; or in extreme cases, an intruder. And before the movements of my previously concrete "group" of friends in the general direction of "away" there was more a feeling of belonging. I know what friendship feels like, and this entire year that feeling has been a bit too scarce.
"Summer(?)"
I start working the day after graduation. "Work" as in actual paid labour, for an employer, on a consistent basis, is something I have NEVER done (yup, I'm a bum... sad, but true) I'm not dreading it or anything, just saying. Now as someone who does external examinations, technically my Summer started from the 14th of June. However between graduation practice and prefect responsibilities it hasn't felt like Summer... except the heat. So with that in mind, neither will working daily from 7:00am... So I ask the pseudo-philosophical question: If it looks like Summer, feels like Summer and sounds like Summer but doesn't feel like Summer, then is it Summer?
Yes.
This Summer is different, you see. With this Summer officially ends my career as a high school student. Well.. Sunday being graduation actually ends my career as a high school student... but I wont feel like a university student till I don my ID, trod across the campus with more sq. mileage than my town, and sit in my first hopeless class.
So it is Summer. Just of a different kind. I believe life will change after this, so the build up can be a bit different as well.
"I am to Plans as Homer is to The Odyssey"
I have come to the realization that if I want to do something I better not plan to. It sounds sad. It is. As you may remember, I had a good amount of stellar plans for my undertaking this Summer. If you don't then take a look-see (noting that "Where is Mellisa?" has passed, and adding "A Heritage Story" to the list of plays I need to write). So therefore "The Death of a Don", "A Heritage Story" and even preparation for the yet unnamed writing BLOG blog have yet to even begin to be things that I am actually doing this summer.
Alongside this fact, it has been proven again and again with Fairytale that whatever I plan doesn't happen. End of Story. So basically I'm filling my head with works of mythology, fallacy... lies?. I hope not, and I don't exactly plan to, but somehow I'm gonna get to those things.
So basically, as usual, my problems are minute and generally don't concern anyone else, and pale in comparison to the actual physical, psychological and real woes faced by even my peers... but then It wouldn't be impulseprose without that would it?
Continuing to ask the real (unimportant) questions,
-Me
Monday, 9 June 2014
It's About Time
I haven't written in a while... Well I tried a few days ago, and that didn't go well. And with my track record a poem in drafts might as well be deleted. I liked the idea though and I may try again. Anyways, I don't remember how I usually start impulseprose blogposts and I think I need to make a standard opening like a mandevillegirl I know. Or not... meh.
I don't really have a theme or idea for this post. Though I hope as I write I fall into some deep quasi-philosophical and almost poetic musing as to some meaning or understanding of time. I mean, that is what I do. Isn't it? Or share some Summer plans with my handful of readers across like 2 or 3 parishes (which actually might be a problem with at least one of my Summer plans). Or write about everything I've wanted to write about all of last month, but didn't... for some reason that I'm not quite *cough *exams*cough* sure about. Well, in hindsight let's not do the latter, that sounds like a long, long post, or a short one; depending on my memory. So I'm still pretty undecided as to the subject of this post. So it will be a strange ride from here on.
Talking about indecision: that, I have decided, is my most definitive trait. (Excuse the irony of that sentence) I mean I have been described as many things, and the only thing I know myself to be 100% of the time is indecisive. I get around it by not being picky most of the time, so I can function. Since most daily decisions are basically inconsequential in my opinion.
"What are yo gonna eat for breakfast?" umm idk.. I'll just skip breakfast I guess.
"Where are we going?" haha, when you know me long enough, you don't ask questions like that. "When are you going to actually talk to your mother about you suddenly changing your career path in the last part of the last year of high school and which university are you going to go to in order to pursue this goal and..." ...
You can see where that sort of attitude can fall apart when the consequences of not choosing isn't minor discomfort a few minutes before lunch or aimless walking... I believe that if there is anything which will be detrimental to me in the so called "real world" (though I pretty much know that we are in the "real world"... adulthood isn't a door into a different kaleidoscope from the one us kids look through... same world, different stakes I guess) it will be my indecisiveness. I should work on that.
So yeah. I'm currently I'm on the verge of Summer. Two exams left, that I've technically studied for already. I spent most of my last 3 days watching movies. (I strongly recommend The Grand Budapest Hotel to anyone who doesn't consider a good fight scene the making of a movie) And like ever Summer it stats with two things. Me forgetting to get a job and my parents' anniversary. The former is saddening but not particularly interesting, so let's discuss the latter.
My parents have been married for 25 years today. 25 years. That is a very impressive milestone, so firstly, I congratulate them. It dawned on me a few minutes ago that to my knowledge I don't have many friends who's parent are both married and have been married longer than their children have been alive. That says something. Marriage seems to be a dying institution, well, at least lasting marriage does, and this makes 25 years hella impressive. So this Saturday they will be celebrating with a renewal of vows (for which I will unfortunately have to see my barber...) and being the endest/only Son I'm going to have to deliver a toast... and for once I know what I'm going to say.
Greatly dwarfed by the gargantuan quarter of a century, this coming Sunday I will be in a relationship myself for a quarter of a year.... haha... Hear, Hear.
This coming summer is intrinsically special, I guess. By the end of it I'll be moving out of my parent's house... in a way. I'll be dependent on them in a few way's still but not in many that I've been up to this point. Definitely one of those milestones I guess, though I'm still unsure what after-summer will bring. Or what during-summer will bring. I have plans, but my plans are generally about as good as my decision making, so you can see why I may be a bit worried.
At least I know my during and after Summer hairstyle... which is basically uncut. So I look forward to breaking more combs
So yes, I've written a blog post about nothing in particular, and It's about time I closed it.
-Me
I don't really have a theme or idea for this post. Though I hope as I write I fall into some deep quasi-philosophical and almost poetic musing as to some meaning or understanding of time. I mean, that is what I do. Isn't it? Or share some Summer plans with my handful of readers across like 2 or 3 parishes (which actually might be a problem with at least one of my Summer plans). Or write about everything I've wanted to write about all of last month, but didn't... for some reason that I'm not quite *cough *exams*cough* sure about. Well, in hindsight let's not do the latter, that sounds like a long, long post, or a short one; depending on my memory. So I'm still pretty undecided as to the subject of this post. So it will be a strange ride from here on.
Talking about indecision: that, I have decided, is my most definitive trait. (Excuse the irony of that sentence) I mean I have been described as many things, and the only thing I know myself to be 100% of the time is indecisive. I get around it by not being picky most of the time, so I can function. Since most daily decisions are basically inconsequential in my opinion.
"What are yo gonna eat for breakfast?" umm idk.. I'll just skip breakfast I guess.
"Where are we going?" haha, when you know me long enough, you don't ask questions like that. "When are you going to actually talk to your mother about you suddenly changing your career path in the last part of the last year of high school and which university are you going to go to in order to pursue this goal and..." ...
You can see where that sort of attitude can fall apart when the consequences of not choosing isn't minor discomfort a few minutes before lunch or aimless walking... I believe that if there is anything which will be detrimental to me in the so called "real world" (though I pretty much know that we are in the "real world"... adulthood isn't a door into a different kaleidoscope from the one us kids look through... same world, different stakes I guess) it will be my indecisiveness. I should work on that.
So yeah. I'm currently I'm on the verge of Summer. Two exams left, that I've technically studied for already. I spent most of my last 3 days watching movies. (I strongly recommend The Grand Budapest Hotel to anyone who doesn't consider a good fight scene the making of a movie) And like ever Summer it stats with two things. Me forgetting to get a job and my parents' anniversary. The former is saddening but not particularly interesting, so let's discuss the latter.
My parents have been married for 25 years today. 25 years. That is a very impressive milestone, so firstly, I congratulate them. It dawned on me a few minutes ago that to my knowledge I don't have many friends who's parent are both married and have been married longer than their children have been alive. That says something. Marriage seems to be a dying institution, well, at least lasting marriage does, and this makes 25 years hella impressive. So this Saturday they will be celebrating with a renewal of vows (for which I will unfortunately have to see my barber...) and being the endest/only Son I'm going to have to deliver a toast... and for once I know what I'm going to say.
Greatly dwarfed by the gargantuan quarter of a century, this coming Sunday I will be in a relationship myself for a quarter of a year.... haha... Hear, Hear.
This coming summer is intrinsically special, I guess. By the end of it I'll be moving out of my parent's house... in a way. I'll be dependent on them in a few way's still but not in many that I've been up to this point. Definitely one of those milestones I guess, though I'm still unsure what after-summer will bring. Or what during-summer will bring. I have plans, but my plans are generally about as good as my decision making, so you can see why I may be a bit worried.
At least I know my during and after Summer hairstyle... which is basically uncut. So I look forward to breaking more combs
So yes, I've written a blog post about nothing in particular, and It's about time I closed it.
-Me
Saturday, 26 April 2014
As April Winds Down
I will start by saying this has been my best month, much less April, in recent memory. Of course school still sucks, but I've come to the conclusion that upon entering upper sixth form you are destined to yearn for nothing more that being finished with high school. High school, as we all might have realised, is bullshit; each school is just a different bull. Otherwise, however life has been grand.
Now some context:
It's currently 5:31 am on a Saturday. I am awake and writing at 5:31 on a Saturday. Early to bed, early to rise... would have been applicable if I hadn't woken up before 3:00 and gone to bed after 11:00 (which admittedly is regarded as early for me) So why am I up? I have no idea.
I'm writing however because I have had so many things to write about this month that I just haven't written, which is of course a horrible train of thought and course of action. So I'm taking the time out to mitigate that and try out the words once more. In all honesty, the only thing I've written this entire month is Synesthesia, Fairytale's fist official poem. (A little bit on what actual Synesthesia is... for context.) Though as I think about it, I've spent so many hours doing internal assessments this month I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself. Anyways, I'm rambling...
As April winds down I (and for most of the readers I know.... we) enter into our exam period. My first exam is the week after next (it's still Saturday, it is not next week yet) and as much as I am a firm believer in #FuckCarib, I intend to pass it, might even try to pass it well, though I haven't even started studying for that yet. But the exam period is a special time for me. It is both my least and most productive time of the year. I assure you there is no idleness like exam-time idleness, and I've set the bar for idleness extraordinarily high this year. Even so, there is no other time that I sit and re-write my own revised editions of textbooks, as between now and the time June comes around I'd have mostly written more notes than I have all year thus far.
As April winds down I'm still in a cute relationship. In my 18 years of existence I do not think I have been apart of something this cute and I was in the children's choir as a child. I don't understand it, she doesn't understand it... but it is what it is. In Fairytale's words "C'est la vie". However I've learnt that the happier I become the more cautious I should be. Time has repetitively shown that a Happy Michael is a Careless Michael, and I'm a science student, I'm taught not to ignore trends like this. So after a month, a week and four days I sit in the silence of early morning birdsong contemplating the L word...
As April winds down the beyond high school approaches. Oh how I look forward to graduating... or not graduating, whatever the case may be. However I remain in the dilemma of looking forward to a future I haven't exactly decided on yet. What exactly are you doing after Summer 2014, Michael? My father dumped some stuff on me yesterday: Jamaica/[insert country here] Bilateral scholarships. Cuba, Russia, China, OAS... and even this thing on Sweden. Now it may sound a bit late to be doing this but these opportunities are still open. It's a bit sad to say that going away to study has always been an experience I've looked forward to, even though I've made zero steps to achieve it, but now it seems daunting, and for what would be seen as a shitty reason. Whatever you do the future will meet you and in many ways you determine the nature of the meeting.
So basically, as April winds down the same matters that troubled me in March trouble me now, I just have 1 less month to contemplate the urgent ones. A friend of mine believes that if you refuse to reflect, you refuse the opportunity to grow... well, for all the reflection I do I seem to grow very little. Excuse my misuse of the french but C'est cannot be la vie...
-Me
Saturday, 29 March 2014
"Ah fuck, April"
So it hit me today, and when I say hit I mean a sudden, painful and quite badly timed realisation, that April is upon me, or upon us. Now April is of significance for a few reasons. To most of us here in the Caribbean it's the month before all those good ol' external exams begin, when Internal Assessments are due and you realise you haven't started shit yet. That I am very much guilty of, every year... However for me it has a bit more personal significance... of the "why the fuck am I such a sentimental piece of shit" variety.
You see it started 4 fucking years ago... FOUR... April 7th, when a girl who wasn't my friend yet was killed by her father. I will go no further with that, except to say that I don't deserve to mourn for a girl who wasn't my friend yet if her friends have learnt to deal with her absence. I don't deserve to, yet every April, I somehow am propelled into this phase of pathetically sad bitchiness (or bitchy, pathetic sadness?) under the guise of mourning. Guise because it's selfish, just my relentless need for people and the thought that I lost one before I had the chance to gain her in the first place. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.
Then secondly, you remember a certain petite girl right? About yeah tall, small frame, I wrote several very bad poems after she left me, alongside a few rants on good ol' impulseprose? Yeah, her. Well she was a timing maestro, as if she had calculated the best time to pretty much wreck me. She abandoned me on Sunday, April 7, a day I stayed at home because I just couldn't deal hoping my Seventh Day Adventist girlfriend would be of some solace... and then she left me the day after. Something about me being boring and depressing. So yeah... that was a good 4 months... Thank God for Summer, Dempster and Fairytales.
But this post isn't to talk about those incidents. Because honestly they really aren't the real reason for this shitstorm that is my mood currently, and may continue to be my mood for a while. These things are basically what I call "excuses". They are events that validate, to some extent, my self destructive behaviour.
I have spoken about, in the past, the concept of an inner masochist. The deep need or want we apparently have to punish ourselves for things. ( I guess I can only talk for myself to be honest, so the "we" should be "I" and the "ourselves", "myself". ) I accelerate that urge. I find a reason, a correlation, an event, anything and I go to town on it.
Now I'm pretty sure it's evident that I do believe in Love... as a thing, that is important. However, a certain petite girl postulated that I am intrinsically incapable of expressing Love, whatever it is, because I (in her opinion) don't love myself. I couldn't answer at the time because I wasn't sure if I did, and I still don't know if I do.
And that scares me.
It scares me because I don't wan't to lie to someone I care about. Especially not about something that important. There are things I want to say and fucking mean it. It's the day after two weeks with Fairytale and 8 days from the apex of my excuses. And she has done nothing to deserve me in this shitstorm state. Because the strange thing about caring about someone is that you can't watch them suffer. So I'm not even just torturing myself... and then the circle of self loathing makes another turn.
In truth though, I'm glad I'm not soloing through this: couldn't ask for better girlfriend right now.
-Me
You see it started 4 fucking years ago... FOUR... April 7th, when a girl who wasn't my friend yet was killed by her father. I will go no further with that, except to say that I don't deserve to mourn for a girl who wasn't my friend yet if her friends have learnt to deal with her absence. I don't deserve to, yet every April, I somehow am propelled into this phase of pathetically sad bitchiness (or bitchy, pathetic sadness?) under the guise of mourning. Guise because it's selfish, just my relentless need for people and the thought that I lost one before I had the chance to gain her in the first place. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.
Then secondly, you remember a certain petite girl right? About yeah tall, small frame, I wrote several very bad poems after she left me, alongside a few rants on good ol' impulseprose? Yeah, her. Well she was a timing maestro, as if she had calculated the best time to pretty much wreck me. She abandoned me on Sunday, April 7, a day I stayed at home because I just couldn't deal hoping my Seventh Day Adventist girlfriend would be of some solace... and then she left me the day after. Something about me being boring and depressing. So yeah... that was a good 4 months... Thank God for Summer, Dempster and Fairytales.
But this post isn't to talk about those incidents. Because honestly they really aren't the real reason for this shitstorm that is my mood currently, and may continue to be my mood for a while. These things are basically what I call "excuses". They are events that validate, to some extent, my self destructive behaviour.
I have spoken about, in the past, the concept of an inner masochist. The deep need or want we apparently have to punish ourselves for things. ( I guess I can only talk for myself to be honest, so the "we" should be "I" and the "ourselves", "myself". ) I accelerate that urge. I find a reason, a correlation, an event, anything and I go to town on it.
Now I'm pretty sure it's evident that I do believe in Love... as a thing, that is important. However, a certain petite girl postulated that I am intrinsically incapable of expressing Love, whatever it is, because I (in her opinion) don't love myself. I couldn't answer at the time because I wasn't sure if I did, and I still don't know if I do.
And that scares me.
It scares me because I don't wan't to lie to someone I care about. Especially not about something that important. There are things I want to say and fucking mean it. It's the day after two weeks with Fairytale and 8 days from the apex of my excuses. And she has done nothing to deserve me in this shitstorm state. Because the strange thing about caring about someone is that you can't watch them suffer. So I'm not even just torturing myself... and then the circle of self loathing makes another turn.
In truth though, I'm glad I'm not soloing through this: couldn't ask for better girlfriend right now.
-Me
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