So I'm not apologizing for not writing in so long because, well, quite frankly no-one cares... Well, that's not true, but I'm still not apologizing. Mainly because she doesn't want any apologies from me at this time. So... the last time you heard from me, impulseprose, was on Fairytale's birthday. So at least it was a happy occasion, and I'm grateful for that. This, however, is not a happy occasion.
When I introduced myself to you, impulseprose, I mentioned that I was a "Relationship Shegger". That, as far as I know, has not changed. I still continue to tear down all the relationships I have build, no matter how invincible I had though them to be... which is why I am afraid, and why I'm writing this right now. I'm afraid that I'm well on the path to destroying my relationship with Fairytale... and I don't know if I can survive that happening. That, impulseprose, would be the heartbreak that kills me, or worse.
Simply put: I am not good at this.
The distance has escalated from the last time we spoke. Moving from 1 hour and 45 mins by bus to about 8 hours by plane. So, in response, I have gotten better at none of the things that made the distance particularly hard last year. I communicate like shit, impulseprose... like fucking shit. Nothing I do works. Which isn't helped by the orientation process where I feel inclined to doing as much as possible and then some. So again I'm drowning myself in work while she is alone ... I'm just the worst possible fucking piece of UGH, that she could've chosen as her boyfriend. And she's continued to choose me, and forgive me... and I still do the same shit.
I am not good at this.
"I love you" and "I'm sorry" are probably the two most common phrases I say to her... and tonight she accepted neither of them. I'm afraid. I try not to think about negative stuff these days because I have the tendency to just wallow in self-hatred... but maybe I need some wallowing now... if anything for practice.. Because I'm afraid that this is the beginning of the end of us. I don't want it to be, but I'm too bad at this for it to be sustainable. I can't ask her to forgive me of all my transgressions, she's only one person.
I am not good at this.
But I love her.
But that doesn't seem to be enough right now.
-Me
Sunday, 23 August 2015
Monday, 5 January 2015
A Tale of an Appropriate Misnomer
Hello again, impulseprose. I have not forgotten you and I guess, I had to wish you Happy New Year somehow, even if it's the 6th, at least it's still January. Though I guess I must say, I never came here to do that, because well, I don't know, but I came here because today, my dear handful of readers, is FairyTail's birthday.
So this blog, you see, was founded for one simple reason. I needed to rant. I have continued that rend and it is that culture which has led to the undisciplined, inconsistent and rather lazy outlook on posting here. I only come here, you see, when I want to rant (whether or not I'm able to do so). Now, the subject of my rants have been different and have changed as I have changed(?) and highlight my so-called troubles, my highs, my lows, my fickle cries for attention and my ever-present but illusive thoughts. It started however, with a breakup. A relationship which was really, really bad and benefited no-one and is now really just a giant scar, as it were, on my last years of high school. The ranting, for which, led to the only thing which has remained constant on this blog: Giving people nicknames.
So it started with A certain petite girl, which is probably a very fitting and nonspecific name which in a way, I believe, made getting over her, the aim of this blog at the time I must add, not so much a task. It didn't glorify her in any way, she was nothing, in the confines of this blog, but a certain petite girl, and eventually I realised.
I guess you see where I'll be going soon enough, but bear with me, this isn't creative writing, if I'm gonna be predictable then boo-hoo, cry me a river, [insert other "I careth not" cliche here].
So I made a lot of mention of "certain friend" in my earlier posts (I am literally reading through all my posts and tracking the development of my pseudonyms) who would eventually be called mandevillegirl who for the love of all things beautiful and just is an AMAZING person who probably helped more than anyone through the whole petite girl phase. I respect few people more, and as shitty as I am as a friend she pretty much doesn't seem to care much. Always one to "Hi, Mike :)" and share insight or a few jokes, cheers me up even though at any given time she's probably not doing as well as I am, which makes me wonder if I've ever helped her >__> I dont know.
So this blog, you see, was founded for one simple reason. I needed to rant. I have continued that rend and it is that culture which has led to the undisciplined, inconsistent and rather lazy outlook on posting here. I only come here, you see, when I want to rant (whether or not I'm able to do so). Now, the subject of my rants have been different and have changed as I have changed(?) and highlight my so-called troubles, my highs, my lows, my fickle cries for attention and my ever-present but illusive thoughts. It started however, with a breakup. A relationship which was really, really bad and benefited no-one and is now really just a giant scar, as it were, on my last years of high school. The ranting, for which, led to the only thing which has remained constant on this blog: Giving people nicknames.
So it started with A certain petite girl, which is probably a very fitting and nonspecific name which in a way, I believe, made getting over her, the aim of this blog at the time I must add, not so much a task. It didn't glorify her in any way, she was nothing, in the confines of this blog, but a certain petite girl, and eventually I realised.
I guess you see where I'll be going soon enough, but bear with me, this isn't creative writing, if I'm gonna be predictable then boo-hoo, cry me a river, [insert other "I careth not" cliche here].
So I made a lot of mention of "certain friend" in my earlier posts (I am literally reading through all my posts and tracking the development of my pseudonyms) who would eventually be called mandevillegirl who for the love of all things beautiful and just is an AMAZING person who probably helped more than anyone through the whole petite girl phase. I respect few people more, and as shitty as I am as a friend she pretty much doesn't seem to care much. Always one to "Hi, Mike :)" and share insight or a few jokes, cheers me up even though at any given time she's probably not doing as well as I am, which makes me wonder if I've ever helped her >__> I dont know.
Actually, You the #1 Boss mandevillegirl
Next was a certain kohai, -kohai, as you may or may not know is a japanese honorific which refers to anyone at a lower stage in an establishment, the opposite, then of the more popular -sempai honorific, basically, in this case, it meant underclassman. AKA a certain former jailbait in another post, so named because she had come to sixth form before the age of consent (which is 16 in Jamaica). This girl was the friend I needed in Upper Six, even though the was a Lower Sixer. The little enjoyment I got from my last year at that freaking school was because of her, and I'm eternally grateful. Eternally.
Another awesome individual, however the names, still plain, still pretty basic. Though, mandevillegirl is indeed her blog's name, so not my given pseudonym, so there was the "a certain [descriptor]" nomenclature seen here.
Then came FairyTail, so named because in a conversation we had early in our pre-relationship talkings about manga, she said the only one she ever read/liked was FairyTail. That's the story. But the name is so different it's ridiculously uncharacteristic looking at the others. From a certain petite girl to fairytail the difference between my mind going into a relationship and my mind coming out of one? Probably. But 9-almost-10-months later it still seems pretty different so probably not it.
The thing with this name though is that for all intents and purposes, it's a badly chosen name. It has a good feel you see, but Fairytail, as it were, doesn't like princesses.
I do Japanese in school and tasked my self with finding a japanese nickname for Fairytail because I'm still adorable like that. So after some research I found myself somewhat enamoured with the -hime honourific. -Hime is an honourific/name suffix that would be given to a daiymo or shogun's daughter in feudal Japan, in essence, it's only translation in western society is princess. It works really good with the whole Fairytail rhetoric we have going on here. Plus it's the only one I knew, so it was easy. Till I told her about it. Her response?
"Princess? Bleh...."
"Nah"
"Ewww...haha..."
"Anything but the Princess one babe"
And you see the trend. I guess it works out for the best because in hindsight... what was I thinking v__v. But looking at it now, I cant make any Fairytail jokes. I mean unless she were to be Prince Charming (which when I think about it, she was the one who took my number... but then that would make me.. nope.. no.) So I guess, it just ends as a name, on my blog.
But, in a way, we've been in each others' lives for about 11 months now almost 10 of which we've been in a relationship, which I must add must be due to some form of witchcraft for me. So in some way the name rings a bit true. We all know "Happily Ever After" isn't a thing, so I guess it's my task for the story to just not finish.
Wishing you a Happy Birthday, Fairytail. Continue your fair tale, and I shall aspire to fill your pages with happiness, and in lieu of that, apology.
-Me
Sunday, 30 November 2014
"On Grief." may be written soon enough, but till then...
I never knew her story.
Only the ending, really,
But the genre?
It was a Tragedy.
A plot twist, it seemed,
And only God knows the author.
In honesty I don't know how to start this blogpost, and I thought writing that verse that came to me today, as I drove down Old Hope Road, would be that which was needed to push the boulder over the cliff as far as the writing is concerned, but yet, still nothing. So I think it will be sufficient to say, I'm still in shock.
Yesterday, someone I've basically known my entire life, a peer, and I daresay, a friend, died. And I haven't gotten through the shock of it yet. I haven't yet dealt with this, or started to, or decided whether or not it's something I have to deal with. I haven't gone back on social media because there are too many reminders and every time I see one, or someone mentions the crash it hits me again like I just heard it for the first time. Writing this I don't think I can really call it "On Grief" because I'm not grieving, I'm in shock.
I guess, I have nothing else to say. I don't know enough about her to close with some poetic eulogy-esque statements, and my thoughts are still going nowhere. So I guess all I can do is offer my condolences to family, friends and all who saw it fit to grieve for both the deceased. But it feels weird that all that I can do for the one who I've known my whole life is the same I can do for the one I never knew.
Rest In Peace, Danielle.
-Me
Wednesday, 19 November 2014
On Many Things...
I like starting post titles with "On", makes it sound very purposeful, and if there is anything I generally don't have but love to pretend I have is "purpose". So in this, my first blogpost (on either blog) since probably Jesus' first coming (or my birthday... whichever came last), I'll be talking about a lot of things... It may be long, I don't know, I have 1 hour and 13 mins from now so, let's go.
On Distance
Distance Sucks, and (as I'm accustomed to saying) not in a good way.
I wish that's all I had to say about this, I really do. The FairyTale and I have been going on for 8 months now, and of that 8 we have been apart for 3, almost 4, months.
Loneliness is to me what iron is to a magnet. I'll become lonely at the drop of a hat, fuck, I can even produce my one loneliness for the sole purpose of torturing myself. It's a gift, a curse, a lifestyle. This poses a problem because as I've said in a previous post I have what I call abandonment anxiety. Now distance has the most annoying tendency of being like abandonment but obviously not abandonment. If you've ever had any form of anxiety, then you would be aware that in cases where your anxiety condition are unclear, the anxiety just acts defensively and runs with it anyways, i.e. without distraction I'm always on sad puppy mode.
I've sought many distractions since coming to university (parties(which I need alcohol to enjoy), people, clubs, hall activities,games) Now, since situations are never allowed to be simple in this life, the more distractions I seek, the worse a boyfriend I am, which gives me more reason to go on an anxiety trip...
And I know I talk about myself a lot, here on impulseprose (quite frankly that's the purpose... plus I don't need permission to talk about myself without personal repercussion) but I think I'll suffice to say it it's difficult for me I'd say FairyTale has it orders of magnitude worse. Sigh
On School
School, so far, hasn't been what I've expected. Not in a surprising way, and not in an underwhelming or overwhelming way, I just never expected it to be like this. This isn't something I can explain so far, and I don't know what exactly I was expecting. Maybe I expected it to be more difficult? But I know soon I'll be cursing to myself for that when It becomes even more difficult than I expected.
One thing I do know is that I've sucked so far with my independence. My money management sucks, I'm not eating properly, or sleeping properly... I feel I'm running myself into the ground, even before I'm being particularly challenged. Which is worrying in many ways. However, I've survived almost through a whole semester without major incident, which I think is more than I would expect of myself. I hear from reputable sources that I'm now more confident and outgoing than I was before (though I can't say I see it ) and I must say I'm like less likely to "dead a road" than I was 3 months ago. I've apparently been topping my Japanese class and going through my major pretty smoothly... So, all considered,I'll say I haven't been too bad.
My time has expired unfortunately, so eventually I may do an "On Many Other Things..." unless I start studying, since "The Tent" is up and I've been told by my sempai that once the tent goes up I should panic...
Signing out.
Me
On Distance
Distance Sucks, and (as I'm accustomed to saying) not in a good way.
I wish that's all I had to say about this, I really do. The FairyTale and I have been going on for 8 months now, and of that 8 we have been apart for 3, almost 4, months.
Been sighing on constant.
Loneliness is to me what iron is to a magnet. I'll become lonely at the drop of a hat, fuck, I can even produce my one loneliness for the sole purpose of torturing myself. It's a gift, a curse, a lifestyle. This poses a problem because as I've said in a previous post I have what I call abandonment anxiety. Now distance has the most annoying tendency of being like abandonment but obviously not abandonment. If you've ever had any form of anxiety, then you would be aware that in cases where your anxiety condition are unclear, the anxiety just acts defensively and runs with it anyways, i.e. without distraction I'm always on sad puppy mode.
I've sought many distractions since coming to university (parties(which I need alcohol to enjoy), people, clubs, hall activities,games) Now, since situations are never allowed to be simple in this life, the more distractions I seek, the worse a boyfriend I am, which gives me more reason to go on an anxiety trip...
And I know I talk about myself a lot, here on impulseprose (quite frankly that's the purpose... plus I don't need permission to talk about myself without personal repercussion) but I think I'll suffice to say it it's difficult for me I'd say FairyTale has it orders of magnitude worse. Sigh
On School
School, so far, hasn't been what I've expected. Not in a surprising way, and not in an underwhelming or overwhelming way, I just never expected it to be like this. This isn't something I can explain so far, and I don't know what exactly I was expecting. Maybe I expected it to be more difficult? But I know soon I'll be cursing to myself for that when It becomes even more difficult than I expected.
One thing I do know is that I've sucked so far with my independence. My money management sucks, I'm not eating properly, or sleeping properly... I feel I'm running myself into the ground, even before I'm being particularly challenged. Which is worrying in many ways. However, I've survived almost through a whole semester without major incident, which I think is more than I would expect of myself. I hear from reputable sources that I'm now more confident and outgoing than I was before (though I can't say I see it ) and I must say I'm like less likely to "dead a road" than I was 3 months ago. I've apparently been topping my Japanese class and going through my major pretty smoothly... So, all considered,I'll say I haven't been too bad.
My time has expired unfortunately, so eventually I may do an "On Many Other Things..." unless I start studying, since "The Tent" is up and I've been told by my sempai that once the tent goes up I should panic...
Signing out.
Me
Friday, 24 October 2014
Birthdays and Hypocrisy
Well, I haven't visited impulseprose in a while, but don't worry, I'm still writing. I'll probably make a prose section on Dark Colours and Silent Music since I've been doing a bit of story-writing thanks to The UWI Writers' Circle. Also, I've been busy. University, it seems, is a full time occupation.
So I will be gracing the pages of impulseprose with this post because, as the title or facebook might tell you, it's my birthday... and I've been led to believe that I'm either actually a hypocrite or I'm developing a mild case of multiple personality disorder... Put it this way: I'm of two minds concerning this whole birthday thing.
So as it goes, I was born, and birth in itself is miraculous in the sense that it's extremely normal for an occurrence of its magnitude; the entering of a new life into the world and all that. So birth is miraculous, I believe. Me being born is of course something I'm eternally grateful for, but I don't see the need to commemorate it on a yearly basis. Giving thanks for life is like a daily thing , that to me is more important than like celebrating it... So one mind would want the whole thing to just pass without me or anyone else even realising it did.
I pretty much thought this was my outlook on the whole matter of birthdays. I mean I even had this conversation with a certain kouhai about it while I was under the hands of the Almighty Gunya...
So just the hypocrisy of "politeness" of telling people you care nothing about "Happy Birthday!" gets to me, especially on the scale that it happens nowadays. I for one atleast try to tell people Happy Birthday face-to-face or in a more personal way than a facebook wall post or whatsapp group message.
But here's what gets to me. Last night I was expecting the flood, and come this morning there as little to nothing. Most of those closest to me and some others expressed their wishes and otherwise the world went on. This is what I wanted right? I guess... Yet, I still felt (and feel) saddened by it.
So I will be gracing the pages of impulseprose with this post because, as the title or facebook might tell you, it's my birthday... and I've been led to believe that I'm either actually a hypocrite or I'm developing a mild case of multiple personality disorder... Put it this way: I'm of two minds concerning this whole birthday thing.
So as it goes, I was born, and birth in itself is miraculous in the sense that it's extremely normal for an occurrence of its magnitude; the entering of a new life into the world and all that. So birth is miraculous, I believe. Me being born is of course something I'm eternally grateful for, but I don't see the need to commemorate it on a yearly basis. Giving thanks for life is like a daily thing , that to me is more important than like celebrating it... So one mind would want the whole thing to just pass without me or anyone else even realising it did.
I pretty much thought this was my outlook on the whole matter of birthdays. I mean I even had this conversation with a certain kouhai about it while I was under the hands of the Almighty Gunya...
And then remembering one's birthday isn't really a feat anymore. Facebook is a major culprit here. But guys, Google tells us happy birthday now.
I know more about you than you dare to know about yourself.
But here's what gets to me. Last night I was expecting the flood, and come this morning there as little to nothing. Most of those closest to me and some others expressed their wishes and otherwise the world went on. This is what I wanted right? I guess... Yet, I still felt (and feel) saddened by it.
Be careful what you wish for...
So, maybe after all my talk I'm just being a hypocrite. Maybe I do care about birthdays. Maybe there is more to this all than just another thing to remember and celebrate. Maybe our birthday is inconsequential, but no one wants to feel that way. Maybe the "politeness" is more important than I give it credit for.
Maybe.
If anything, it's not too late to celebrate my day, right?
Still contemplating,
-Me
Friday, 12 September 2014
I Am Prestonite Lace for...
I am unapologetic for my abandonment of writing during the orientation period which would have been the perfect time because it was so full of things to transcribe it's ridiculous. I must say that orientation was too much fun... It literally sickened me. However, since you may not have realised, I'm not going to be talking about orientation because I'm not a Presser anymore. I'm a Prestonite.
As usual I started writing this because of good ol' mandevillgirl, really, even though we haven't talked much since we came here I can't forget how much she supports my writing; and whenever she writes I say "fuck it" and put finger to keyboard. I should talk to her more... In retrospect I should talk to a lot of people more. In fact if my life and persona were a literary work my general suckishness at communication with people would be among the foremost themes. However, I will talk about that soon enough.
As usual: It's a long post. You have been warned.
In my first two weeks of being a Prestonite I have learnt a few things about myself and people. I could say "I am Prestonite Lace for I..."
1. "...realise that left to my own devices I will have little regard for my own general welfare."
Since coming here I'm sure I've eaten less than a handful of actual "meals". I am, as I write this, pretty hungry; however I'm going to finish this. Then I'm going to probably read some stuff, or write some code, or walk around my hall looking for people... you get the idea. Contrary to popular (and my original) belief, this horrendous behaviour has almost nothing to do with the fact that I can't cook. Knowing myself, if I genuinely acknowledged my own physical welfare as important I would fucking find a way to eat... learn to cook via trial and error if necessary. Acquiring skills isn't a problem for me. So obviously, the problem must be that deep down I really don't care about myself: physically at least, and honestly I never really ate when people were cooking for me either. So hopefully I don't starve. I will keep you posted on this...
2." ....now recognise the root of my propensity for the feeling of loneliness."
Loneliness is a thing I do to myself. I have however, through self reflection and observation, isolated three preconditions for my personal brand of loneliness. Firstly, I fluctuate internally between the states of wanting to be alone and wanting to be with people: generally however people> myself, given that people are such that they are cool, where cool equates to being fun/easy to be around. (haha... there is mathematical notation for that sentence. I won't share it since I actually want people to continue reading my blog.) So the first precondition is that I currently would prefer to be around people.
The second is a constant. I like people. Though tied with the first precondition, the major difference is that this is a constant, that is a variable (loool more math, well, computer science math. but I'm really working hard for them reader losses) This impacts my behaviour, for example, I have developed the habit of walking around Preston Hall aimlessly at night, moving towards every group of people I see. These two preconditions are why I'm, for the most part, a very friendly person who generally has at least acquaintances wherever I go. Also, on a bit of a tangent, I believe I care for other's well-being more than my own, encapsulated in the fact that I ask other people if they have eaten.
Finally, the key that opens the corned beef: my good ol' friend, abandonment anxiety. Though it may not be abandonment anxiety really, it's related to it, and I've already introduced the idea of my own anxiety on this blog, so it's easy to relate it to this. Long story short: I'm afraid that people don't actually enjoy my company (this must be some form or paranoia) Like all fears and anxieties this is self validating. What complicates the matter is that, in most cases, I have no way of knowing whether or not I'm right. This leads to strange behaviour like leaving a group of people I'm currently with to go somewhere else because I feel I've somehow "overstayed my welcome".
So given that my love of people is constant, I currently want to be around people, and I have somehow validated and acted on my social abandonment anxiety, I will feel excessively lonely and particularly shitty.
3. "... found out that awesome people are awesome"
I love my hall for this very reason. The people here are fucking amazing. (I believe at some point this can be a pun when I start inadvertently hearing (of)other's sexual relations.) Other than being talented and intelligent and amazing, some people here genuinely care about my well-being... I don't even know how to start talking about this. So I probably wont. However, to validate the point of their amazing-ness I'll say that I went to the Writer's Circle yesterday and my favourite person in the group so far just happened to be an off-campus Prestonite (well, a commuter who's affiliated with the hall by registration) These people be cool. (see 2. above)
4."... discovered that rum is the nectar of the gods"
I went to Fresher's Fete. I drank about 10 cups of mixed drinks containing Coco Mania (coconut rum), white rum, and rum.(I literally at one point said to the bartender "Rum and anything") I came back from Fresher's Fete around 2:30. I ended up in several hilarious conversations (with our former"Super Seniors" and "Super Senior Sergeants") and went to bed at around 4:30. I woke up at 6:30 fresher than spring water. I believe in Rum.
5."... see that changing to Computer Science has been the best life decision I've made since FairyTale"
The immense joy I feel when I realise I don't have to do labs. Or get up for 8:00 classes. Or do labs. I don't know how to explain it. I thought it could be put into words if I was writing but no... It's almost religious. I just know I would've been miserable, even at this early stage, had I continued on the path of a medicine or life science student. In truth the title says it all.
6."... admit that communication is a thing... That I should do... Good-er. "
I'm tired of promising people that I'll treat them better. From Signature (I just decided to refer to the girl in "The Letter I Signed" as Signature), to my parents, to a new person to you all who I will refer to as Pink, to my friends in Mandeville and even those here (like the aforementioned mandevillegirl) I should try better to keep in touch with them, because they all mean a lot to me and it doesn't seem that way by the way I treat them. If you read this and you belong to any of the aforementioned groups or others I've forgotten to mention: I'm sorry. But then, I'm always sorry.
That's all I can think about for now, however there is no doubt in my mind that there are tonnes of discoveries left to be made here: and you'll be sure to hear about almost all of them. Till then: "I am Prestonite Lace..."
Tying up this blogpost,
-Me
As usual I started writing this because of good ol' mandevillgirl, really, even though we haven't talked much since we came here I can't forget how much she supports my writing; and whenever she writes I say "fuck it" and put finger to keyboard. I should talk to her more... In retrospect I should talk to a lot of people more. In fact if my life and persona were a literary work my general suckishness at communication with people would be among the foremost themes. However, I will talk about that soon enough.
As usual: It's a long post. You have been warned.
In my first two weeks of being a Prestonite I have learnt a few things about myself and people. I could say "I am Prestonite Lace for I..."
1. "...realise that left to my own devices I will have little regard for my own general welfare."
Since coming here I'm sure I've eaten less than a handful of actual "meals". I am, as I write this, pretty hungry; however I'm going to finish this. Then I'm going to probably read some stuff, or write some code, or walk around my hall looking for people... you get the idea. Contrary to popular (and my original) belief, this horrendous behaviour has almost nothing to do with the fact that I can't cook. Knowing myself, if I genuinely acknowledged my own physical welfare as important I would fucking find a way to eat... learn to cook via trial and error if necessary. Acquiring skills isn't a problem for me. So obviously, the problem must be that deep down I really don't care about myself: physically at least, and honestly I never really ate when people were cooking for me either. So hopefully I don't starve. I will keep you posted on this...
2." ....now recognise the root of my propensity for the feeling of loneliness."
Loneliness is a thing I do to myself. I have however, through self reflection and observation, isolated three preconditions for my personal brand of loneliness. Firstly, I fluctuate internally between the states of wanting to be alone and wanting to be with people: generally however people> myself, given that people are such that they are cool, where cool equates to being fun/easy to be around. (haha... there is mathematical notation for that sentence. I won't share it since I actually want people to continue reading my blog.) So the first precondition is that I currently would prefer to be around people.
The second is a constant. I like people. Though tied with the first precondition, the major difference is that this is a constant, that is a variable (loool more math, well, computer science math. but I'm really working hard for them reader losses) This impacts my behaviour, for example, I have developed the habit of walking around Preston Hall aimlessly at night, moving towards every group of people I see. These two preconditions are why I'm, for the most part, a very friendly person who generally has at least acquaintances wherever I go. Also, on a bit of a tangent, I believe I care for other's well-being more than my own, encapsulated in the fact that I ask other people if they have eaten.
Finally, the key that opens the corned beef: my good ol' friend, abandonment anxiety. Though it may not be abandonment anxiety really, it's related to it, and I've already introduced the idea of my own anxiety on this blog, so it's easy to relate it to this. Long story short: I'm afraid that people don't actually enjoy my company (this must be some form or paranoia) Like all fears and anxieties this is self validating. What complicates the matter is that, in most cases, I have no way of knowing whether or not I'm right. This leads to strange behaviour like leaving a group of people I'm currently with to go somewhere else because I feel I've somehow "overstayed my welcome".
So given that my love of people is constant, I currently want to be around people, and I have somehow validated and acted on my social abandonment anxiety, I will feel excessively lonely and particularly shitty.
3. "... found out that awesome people are awesome"
I love my hall for this very reason. The people here are fucking amazing. (I believe at some point this can be a pun when I start inadvertently hearing (of)other's sexual relations.) Other than being talented and intelligent and amazing, some people here genuinely care about my well-being... I don't even know how to start talking about this. So I probably wont. However, to validate the point of their amazing-ness I'll say that I went to the Writer's Circle yesterday and my favourite person in the group so far just happened to be an off-campus Prestonite (well, a commuter who's affiliated with the hall by registration) These people be cool. (see 2. above)
4."... discovered that rum is the nectar of the gods"
I went to Fresher's Fete. I drank about 10 cups of mixed drinks containing Coco Mania (coconut rum), white rum, and rum.(I literally at one point said to the bartender "Rum and anything") I came back from Fresher's Fete around 2:30. I ended up in several hilarious conversations (with our former"Super Seniors" and "Super Senior Sergeants") and went to bed at around 4:30. I woke up at 6:30 fresher than spring water. I believe in Rum.
5."... see that changing to Computer Science has been the best life decision I've made since FairyTale"
The immense joy I feel when I realise I don't have to do labs. Or get up for 8:00 classes. Or do labs. I don't know how to explain it. I thought it could be put into words if I was writing but no... It's almost religious. I just know I would've been miserable, even at this early stage, had I continued on the path of a medicine or life science student. In truth the title says it all.
6."... admit that communication is a thing... That I should do... Good-er. "
I'm tired of promising people that I'll treat them better. From Signature (I just decided to refer to the girl in "The Letter I Signed" as Signature), to my parents, to a new person to you all who I will refer to as Pink, to my friends in Mandeville and even those here (like the aforementioned mandevillegirl) I should try better to keep in touch with them, because they all mean a lot to me and it doesn't seem that way by the way I treat them. If you read this and you belong to any of the aforementioned groups or others I've forgotten to mention: I'm sorry. But then, I'm always sorry.
That's all I can think about for now, however there is no doubt in my mind that there are tonnes of discoveries left to be made here: and you'll be sure to hear about almost all of them. Till then: "I am Prestonite Lace..."
Tying up this blogpost,
-Me
Sunday, 3 August 2014
On Masculinity: Attachment
You are not on drugs. This is legitimately happening. I'm writing the second blog post in two days. I understand if your panties can't handle it. Please, if you know you may need some time go and take a breather before you read any further. It'll be here when you get back. Promise.
So yesterday (this still feels weird) I spoke about masculinity in general and some implications of society's approach to the socialisation of boys into men, and some of the personal effects on me. However, to be honest, that wasn't the plan going into the blog post, it just kind of became that. Originally the post was titled: On Masculinity, Attachment and anything else that comes to mind. So this will be the Attachment portion.
But we must still go deeper. I was spurred to write the blogpost mainly because (Pathetic in...3...2...1...) I hadn't spoken to (our beloved) Fairytale in a mind-boggling 4 hours at the time. Not giving you much more background to that. It raised the whole matter of how powerful my attachments tend to be, and basically how much abandonment anxiety I have. Now, with the idea of masculinity I outlined yesterday, all I have to say is this isn't a part of my "me I can look at without shame or disappointment".
I believe this is one of those emotional shortcomings we males tend to have. I personally have some degree of abandonment anxiety, I'm not saying that's a male thing. But problems regarding attachment seem to be a male thing.
You see, we humans are social beings. Our brains are so big because social-ness takes up a shit tonne of space, processing power and complex systems. Complex communication, empathy, morals, that urge we have to "fit in"... all of these things are grounded in the brains pre-occupation with making this social thing work (believe me, it is. Whether you think so or not.) One of those mechanisms is, of course, attachment.
Think about it. What's an easy way to, let's say, ensure parent humans actually expend effort to ensure their offspring humans are fed, when they don't actually benefit directly from doing so? Well, of course you can create a social system where that's a social norm, so to ensure they aren't ostracized by their local humans who all feed their offspring humans they do it too. That may work. OR You can automatically assign value and importance to the offspring humans by forming an emotional bond to that offspring human, thus being compelled to feed them because if you don't your precious offspring human will die. While both of these are probably factors, the latter will most likely be the deciding one. I mean if only the former was present a lot more offspring humans would die. And attachment has many more uses. Like keeping relationships together. Because relationships are the basis of making that social thing work on the individual level.
Now back to attachment and masculinity. We teach males a lot about detachment. A man shouldn't show his emotions (Fun fact: Left unchecked emotions can be seen and read. These served social purposes.) A man should be independent. A man should be "strong". This whole thing just teaches boys detachment., so we know how to do that shit by time we're all grown up. However, the brain does attachment anyways. So we have friends, not too emotionally taxing most of the time, so we're good (generally). But the more emotionally demanding the attachment is the less we seem to be able to cope.
So personally, due somehow to how I grew up, I have abandonment anxiety. I don't have a problem with being alone per se. I do, however, have a problem being left alone. Specifically by those I'm attached to Now I can't say I understand why, but I make attachments faster than I make empty bags of crackers. It's not something I would recommend. Easily Attached + Abandonment Anxiety is one hell of a party. This is basically how it goes. Let's say we are friends (haha... only my friends read this anyways) and we're having a conversation via text or whatsapp or (God forbid) Twitter DMs, and you suddenly disappear (and by disappear I mean not reply for like... 5 mins) I panic. Usually I blame your disappearance on myself ("shit, I shouldn't have said that","ugh, it's because I'm boring") and sending a message a reasonable time later with my unsure face ("hey :x"), like a little puppy who's not really sure if he's okay with you right now. Sounds fun right?
So what about other men? What attachment issues do they have? I can't be sure, as I don't actually interact with my fellow guys particularly often. But let's see.
The Possessive Guy may be equating attachment with possession/ownership.
The Needy Guy may see attachment as an emotional outlet.
The Detached Guy may see attachment as a sign of weakness.
The Clingy Guy may equate (the object of) attachment with self-worth. (I think I'm somewhere here... Fairytale disagrees)
By no means an exhaustive list. But these are a few possible correlations between these common complaints (I have a lot of female friends) and possible flawed attachment philosophies.
I said attachment problems are a male thing. Well, honestly, it's (like everything else) a human thing. But the differences between sexes are not to be downplayed. Society affects both differently, and the factors which contribute to the male problems may not be contributing factors to female problems and vice versa.
I may have another On Masculinity blog post left. That's not a tomorrow thing though. But, till then:
-Me
We'll be back after this brief intermission
And we're back. Thanks for staying with us here at impulseprose as we continue On Masculinity. Today I'll be talking about attachment. As usual my thoughts aren't based on any proven facts and I may be dead wrong. This may be lengthy, you have been warned. Enjoy.
But we must still go deeper. I was spurred to write the blogpost mainly because (Pathetic in...3...2...1...) I hadn't spoken to (our beloved) Fairytale in a mind-boggling 4 hours at the time. Not giving you much more background to that. It raised the whole matter of how powerful my attachments tend to be, and basically how much abandonment anxiety I have. Now, with the idea of masculinity I outlined yesterday, all I have to say is this isn't a part of my "me I can look at without shame or disappointment".
I believe this is one of those emotional shortcomings we males tend to have. I personally have some degree of abandonment anxiety, I'm not saying that's a male thing. But problems regarding attachment seem to be a male thing.
You see, we humans are social beings. Our brains are so big because social-ness takes up a shit tonne of space, processing power and complex systems. Complex communication, empathy, morals, that urge we have to "fit in"... all of these things are grounded in the brains pre-occupation with making this social thing work (believe me, it is. Whether you think so or not.) One of those mechanisms is, of course, attachment.
Think about it. What's an easy way to, let's say, ensure parent humans actually expend effort to ensure their offspring humans are fed, when they don't actually benefit directly from doing so? Well, of course you can create a social system where that's a social norm, so to ensure they aren't ostracized by their local humans who all feed their offspring humans they do it too. That may work. OR You can automatically assign value and importance to the offspring humans by forming an emotional bond to that offspring human, thus being compelled to feed them because if you don't your precious offspring human will die. While both of these are probably factors, the latter will most likely be the deciding one. I mean if only the former was present a lot more offspring humans would die. And attachment has many more uses. Like keeping relationships together. Because relationships are the basis of making that social thing work on the individual level.
Now back to attachment and masculinity. We teach males a lot about detachment. A man shouldn't show his emotions (Fun fact: Left unchecked emotions can be seen and read. These served social purposes.) A man should be independent. A man should be "strong". This whole thing just teaches boys detachment., so we know how to do that shit by time we're all grown up. However, the brain does attachment anyways. So we have friends, not too emotionally taxing most of the time, so we're good (generally). But the more emotionally demanding the attachment is the less we seem to be able to cope.
So personally, due somehow to how I grew up, I have abandonment anxiety. I don't have a problem with being alone per se. I do, however, have a problem being left alone. Specifically by those I'm attached to Now I can't say I understand why, but I make attachments faster than I make empty bags of crackers. It's not something I would recommend. Easily Attached + Abandonment Anxiety is one hell of a party. This is basically how it goes. Let's say we are friends (haha... only my friends read this anyways) and we're having a conversation via text or whatsapp or (God forbid) Twitter DMs, and you suddenly disappear (and by disappear I mean not reply for like... 5 mins) I panic. Usually I blame your disappearance on myself ("shit, I shouldn't have said that","ugh, it's because I'm boring") and sending a message a reasonable time later with my unsure face ("hey :x"), like a little puppy who's not really sure if he's okay with you right now. Sounds fun right?
Life's a non-stop party
So what about other men? What attachment issues do they have? I can't be sure, as I don't actually interact with my fellow guys particularly often. But let's see.
The Possessive Guy may be equating attachment with possession/ownership.
The Needy Guy may see attachment as an emotional outlet.
The Detached Guy may see attachment as a sign of weakness.
The Clingy Guy may equate (the object of) attachment with self-worth. (I think I'm somewhere here... Fairytale disagrees)
By no means an exhaustive list. But these are a few possible correlations between these common complaints (I have a lot of female friends) and possible flawed attachment philosophies.
I said attachment problems are a male thing. Well, honestly, it's (like everything else) a human thing. But the differences between sexes are not to be downplayed. Society affects both differently, and the factors which contribute to the male problems may not be contributing factors to female problems and vice versa.
I may have another On Masculinity blog post left. That's not a tomorrow thing though. But, till then:
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